I Guess Raw Meat Isn't The Only Thing That Doesn't Sit Well With Me

I am straight up breaking the rule I made for myself about blogging about my relationship. I think this is a hot topic and could use outsiders opinions so I will post this one.
Ting grew up just him and his mother. His mother was a mistress and he was a product of this relationship. Needless to say his dad wasn't really around. His mom sent him to boarding school for high school for good reasons, the neighborhood he grew up in wasn't the best and she worked the night shift.


He had to grow up fast. His mother was never really an affectionate woman, and still isn't. She has a unique personality. One that is too much for me to handle. She is raw, has no hair on her tongue.


She isn't really social, and doesn't like to try to be. She is comfortable being by herself I guess or the act of being social might be too much for her to handle. Who knows, I am mo counselor or therapist and don't care to be. She is dependant on tings attention to a certain degree. He sometimes feels like a bad son. I strongly believe it is because she has that dagger in his back and likes to twist it any chance she gets. I can only judge by what I have seen and every time that I have been over, without fail, she has had a negative comment to say about anything. It's like he can't get shit right. He can't check the mail right, he doesn't have the time for the dog, he doesn't eat the cookies she bought, he can't open his mouth without her response being something negative I am going to say at least sixty percent of the time.


I don't like it but it isn't my place to say anything right?


Until...


He expects me to have a great relationship with her. Expectations aren't good and especially when you are expecting with someone who's social skills are not the norm. I've tried to spend time with her and I thought it went as well as it could have given the situation. Apparently it isn't enough. Tings response "she doesn't dislike you, which says alot".


Oh boy, I could have already seen I was going to have a swervy road ahead of me.


Then today happened.


In a nutshell ting told me he felt like a bad son because he didn't call his mom at all this weekend (we were really busy, I barely had time to eat) and when he did call her this morning to let her know he arrived okay her response was "you forgot you had a mother?"...


I took this opportunity to mention how I noticed she likes to throw little jabs all the time and he shouldn't feel bad for not being able to call her one weekend because he was swamped. He isn't a bad son, he literally didn't have the time to pick up the phone (sounds like bs but I was there working with him, anytime we had downtime we were eating and working and recording so we couldn't really talk).


That conversation snow balled into something I wasn't expecting but I am sort of glad it did...




Ting: niice


3:08 PM me: i know you get defensive about your mother though so sorry if you feel I was attacking


3:12 PM Ting: no i dnt fee that way.



i think that scenario is just different so i'm informing you. i hope i'm not coming across as defensive


3:13 PM me: no you weren't. you did mention how you get protective about your mother though so I just wanted to make sure I wasn't coming across as attacking.


Ting: i get protective about all the people in my life.


me: i know. im the same way


Ting: no i didn't think you were attacking. i know you have mine and my mother best interest at heart.



3:15 PM no worries babe. we can discuss this sort of stuff without fear of me getting defensive. I'll only do that if you say something outlandish... like my mother is a "stinky face" at which point i'll have to straight herb you in public :O)


3:16 PM me: lol can i be honest



its about your mother so answer that carefully


3:18 PM Ting: yes.


3:19 PM me: i have a hard time accepting the way your mom speaks to you sometimes. i don't think its fair and i find myself feeling the way I feel when someone speaks to my little sis a way i dont like.


3:21 PM Ting: that is fair for you to say. My mom has never been disrespectful to me in the slightest. She wants a certain kind of attention that is not where near out of this world. I'm the one who is hard on myself when i fall short.


me: no, i am telling you as an outsider looking in... your mom subliminally makes you feel guilty



3:22 PM she throws jabs all the time



little jabs*


Ting: that might be the case but it's the way she is and it's a huge improvement from what she recieved from her mother.


3:23 PM me: im sorry, i hate that excuse


Ting: it's not an excuse


me: its the same one people use for my father



3:24 PM and it makes sense



but i dont like it


Ting: it's a fact and the fact that my mom has over come her limitations and short comings with her mother to try and offer me a better relationship speak volumes on her willingness to grow as a person.



but at the end of the day she's still a person/human so she ain't gonna be perfect.



3:25 PM she has been loving and caring and all i needed to do was find 2min out of my day to call her and make sure that her and olly were still alive and kicking.



3:26 PM i feel guilty but that feeling doesn't extend past the first few minutes when i realized that i hadn't called.


me: but the fact that you missed a weekend because you were busy isnt a big deal... she doesnt need to throw comments out there like "you forgot you had a mother"



you didnt forget, you were just busy



jab


3:27 PM Ting: eh.... you're not wrong but remember i told you that as soon i explained she was like ok. which is often the case ...


me: ok


3:30 PM Ting: i know that i'm not gonna change your mind but i need for you to not let this mar your perception of my mother.



3:31 PM she's the only one I got and i think she's done a bang up job. she ain't perfect and that's ok. At the end of the day we love each other an are able to get along pretty well.



3:32 PM we might not be as healthy and successful as your relationship with your mother but i think we're still well above the avg. set of parent child relationships out there


me: its something ive felt for a while and I will feel the way that i feel because I care about you and i dont like to see the sudden slight change in your face, or long term effect her methods have. but your mother is your mother and I will respect her the same.


3:33 PM Ting: well what long term affects do you see babe?



it's not like i loose sleep over this stuff.


me: you feeling guilty and feeling like a bad son



3:34 PM sometimes



you are NOT a bad son.


Ting: yes she has gotten to me in the past and prolly will in the guture but with each conflict our relationship grows and evolves.



i might use that term losely



but i did feel bad that i didnt' call her like i would feel bad like i didn't call davin.



3:35 PM i told her i would as soon as I arrived and I totally forgot that....


me: ok Ting but i am not talking about this one situation


Ting: omg i just realized that you hold a bad image of my mother...



i know you are not.


me: its something ive heard you mention numerous time and I have noticed when I am there. I dont know if you noticed


Ting: you are talk about past situations that i've referenced


me: but i start to rub your arm when I feel she is being unreasonable lol


3:37 PM Ting: lol?



i didn't notice that rubbing thing


3:38 PM me: anyway, I will continue to mind my business when it comes to that.



it wasnt my place to say anything in the first place



if you are okay with your relationship with your mother then so am I (not that my opinion matters, really)


3:39 PM Ting: hold up hold up.



3:41 PM you dont' have to mind your business.



3:42 PM you should feel perfectly comfortable in broaching the subject and having a dialogue with me about your concerns



3:46 PM as long as you remain respectful i'm cool with it.



3:47 PM plus i value your opinion and if your support can help me get to a better place with my mother that's really the icing on the cake.



3:48 PM i'm sorry but in reading this chat i see that i haven't taken the steps to show you (even myself) that i would like to change my relationship for the better with her.



3:52 PM Ting: ok ....



BUT.....



3:53 PM i need for you to please revaluate your stance with my mom.



i feel like she has a bad wrap and it undeserving.



it bothers me to think that you don't like her.


3:54 PM me: Ting, I don't like to see you unhappy or being treated unfairly. But I know my place. As you can tell I have a hard time understanding your mother, so I wouldn't even know to offer anything but you know I am here for you whenever you need an outlet.


3:55 PM Ting: do i seem that un happy when it comes to mommy?



cause if i do maybe i need sometime to reflect on it.


me: a little


3:56 PM Ting: i think i know what is going on.



3:57 PM i only converse about the bad things or mention/bring to light what makes me uphappy or peturbed about a situation regardin my mother or our relationship


me: no, youve spoken about the good


Ting: i will still take the time to reflect on our relationship but i'll also try not only bombard you with the bad.


3:58 PM me: im also being tainted by what ive seen



i guess


Ting: but it's important to me that you reamain as open minded as you can towards her. because i love her and shes mommy and i need for you to be comfortable with her.



i'm leaving here at 430.


3:59 PM me: Im not going to lie to you Ting, I dont understand your mother but I respect her...


4:00 PM and i dont agree with some of the things she does but again, if you are okay with it then so am I



more some of the things she says*


not does


4:01 PM Ting: like what?


me: in a nut shell, EVERYDAY I"ve been there your mom has something negative to say about something youve done, or havent done



4:02 PM or something you are currently doing



or the way you say something



something is always a problem



if you dont read the mail



4:03 PM if you dont eat the cookies



Ting: oh man... i seee



me: i know she isnt one for positive reforecemnt



but i think its negative overload


Ting: she isn't she doesn't know how


me: and it affects you



4:04 PM i dont care if you say it doesnt



it does



no one can live that way and not be affected by it


Ting: babe i am the way that i am because of her.


me: all those little things have to have something to do with you feeling lilke a bad son sometimes


Ting: she's isn't tender all the time but she can be.


me: if your mom has constant negative comments


4:05 PM Ting: i ask that you give it time. me and her have some growing to do in our respective ways but just be mindful that at the end of the day the person you fell in love with was forged by her.


me: i know its an extreme... but my dad was constantly bad to me but he was there economically and he did what he had to do as a man that has children... and he hugged me from time to time, and was more affectionate then your mother is with you but it still doesnt make what he does okay



4:06 PM i was forged by my dad too



BUT IT STILL DOESNT MAKE IT OKAY



4:07 PM and like you woith your mom, my dad is my dad and he is the only one i have... it still doesnt make it okay



4:08 PM again, an extreme comparison but its the only one i have


4:13 PM Ting Ok i can see this isn't going to get us anywhere. i can sit here all day and defend my mother (and i will if i have to) but we're going around in circles.


me: im fine with dropping it


Ting: our relationship is different one that i'm content with. can it be better yes. can it be worse most certainly.


4:14 PM me: like i said, if you are okay with it, i am okay with it


Ting: it's clear that you will not be buddies with mommy and that's something that i had hoped for so i'm just a lil bummed about that.


4:15 PM me: thats okay


Ting: it's not anything big as long as you respect her i'm ok with it


me: i am always respectful of parents



even when they call me names in emails lol



4:16 PM (Ex Fiance's mom)


Ting: right.



well lets change the subject cause i've through a sway of all kinds of emotions and i'm thinking it's best to move on from it



i've gone*


4:17 PM me: ok



its still raining pretty hard here



4:18 PM (like im 20 miles away lol)


Ting: so i'll come and pick you up



dnt figh me on this



it's not that bad around here actually


4:19 PM me: hopefully itll stop soon


Dimas: why risk it...



i'll just pick you up .


4:20 PM me: ahhhhhhh its suppose to rain all night



crap



well, perfect night in for a movie!!



4:22 PM Ting before we move on from the subject I want to make sure you are comfortable in knowing that your mom and I might not be the best of friends- she is a little much for me to handle but it's not like I dislike her, or don't want to be around her. I am fine with having the sort of relationship a girlfriend of a son usually has with the mother of her boyfriend



4:23 PM I dont expect you and mami to call each other and talk when I am not around or to be okay with leaving you alone with my mother for two hours lol


Ting: but that's the thing i'm ok with all those things.



Ting: i'm ok with you leaving me alone with your mom.



now I HAVE to worry to never put you in that scenario



4:26 PM it's a lot to think about


me: my mom is a little more receptive then your mom. Maybe i should have used my dad as an example



you are right. it is a lot to think about.


4:27 PM Ting: my mom is receptive just not what you are accostimed to.



accustomed*



ugh.


me: she is alittle raw



and you are right. i am not equipt to handle that



4:28 PM if you need your time to think about that its cool



4:29 PM obviously having a girlfriend that has a genuine friendship with your mother is of higher importance then I had originally thought


We spoke after. In a nutshell he doesn't want me to judge his mother knowing her for this little time.



My response: I can only judge on what I have seen and what I have been told. (he agreed with me on this after his emotions cooled off).


It might be my stubborness but to me it is still an excuse. If the problem is recognized a solution can be reached, not have the problem accepted.If he doesn't have a problem with it then I don't either. That is his mother and he has to be comfortable with he relationship they have. He asked that I don't have a problem with his mom over this. It might had been too bold of me to respond this way but I told him it will only become a problem to me when she speaks to me that way. I don't come equipt to deal with that type of constant feedback.