Good Bye Oh Nine

I just read StarGazr's last post and oh shit did my heart go out to her. She had a boyfriend (who she also referred to as boo!) who found out about her blog and that was that (I am assuming, I don't know any details). I found myself nostalgic, and not in a good way. I got this flood of emotions, the heart ache, feeling of desperation when you are in love and it isn't going your way.

I remember my heartache with El Difunto is what drove me to therapy (and it worked). By the time I had my falling out with the Ex Fiance I had experienced heartache and just applied my therapy to that situation. It was still hard (and as you can see still am struggling).

I look forward to reading her future posts, whenever she is ready to return! (Everyone needs their time to heal).
------------------------------------------------
New Years Eve is upon us. Ahhh yes!

• Little slutty dress ::check::
• Manolo's ::check::
• Homies in tow ::check::
  

12 bad girls have confirmed, a few more might surprise us. The little sis is legal now, this New Years will be a good one. The Ex Fiance might come to the club with us, if not, Pang offered her services for the New Years kiss (she was my New Years kiss last year... It was a pleasant surprise lol, she caught me off guard).

In 2009 I:
-broke off my engagement
-celebrated my 25th birthday in Ireland
-got Lasik
-dated Fitness (remember him?)
-fell in love with salsa
-went to the beach almost every other day this summer
-didn't get into the academy TWICE
-haven't worked all year. Thank you unemployment.
-moved back to my parents house
-had to give away my dog because I^
-had a weird relationship (not sexual) with a 40 year old man (Scarf)
-went on a cross country road trip
-went to the Bahamas
-for the first time experienced sex against my will
-swam with dolphins and sea lions
-sky dived
-learned how much I really love the Ex Fiance
-hosted a fundraiser
-drank a lot more then I've wanted to (I don't usually drink this much, and honestly think I have a bad reaction to alcohol. My heart beats weird the day after)
-build a tolerance for Merlot
-dressed up for Halloween
-was the first girl a gay guy has ever been with

Here is to a better 2010! See you next year bloggers :)

Where the Heart Is... Doesn't Exist. So I Relaxed.

Before you read: The Ex Fiance and I call each other boo... it's an inside joke.
The Ex Fiance has been back for a few days... I would say it's been a roller coaster of emotions, but it really hasn't. I have felt the same since the day he arrived AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM. I see him and I think to myself I had him.

I'll copy and paste a draft of a post, an email I sent him, and a text conversation I held with him.

The draft of the post:
Its Christmas and I just realized I'm in love with someone who no longer exist.

The Ex Fiance I love is no longer there. I can't expect him to go through a life changing experience like join the army and expect him to come back the same. Re-reading that last sentence... That's where I failed, I expected.
He is still himself in many aspects, but he isn't the same with me.

I don't get the cute morning text or phone call. He is okay with canceling plans because of his family almost every time we've had plans. (This I can understand, I'm not asking for all of his time. I just would like for him to give me some sort of importance and tell them "I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with you, I would like to see IMWIR in the evening").

His tolerance to things I say is not the same.

Sometimes it's good to write things down. As I read this I am stricken with more realization.

I've tried to bring up things but like I just mentioned- his tolerance is not the same.

I am in love with a person that is no more.

I need to accept it and let it go. Get to learn the new him...

The e-mail I sent him:
Hey Ex Fiance.
Sorry for the email... Its almost 2:30 am and I haven't really heard from you. Being that you've fallen asleep early all the days prior I'm going to assume you are sleeping and will not call.
I know I'm suppose to see you later today but- some things don't change. I need to get this out before I go to bed.
I love you very VERY much. So much so that the thought of us not ending up together in the future is something I never dealt with. I've done this to myself by setting expectations but the Ex Fiance that I love isn't there anymore. You are new and improved, and although it might not benefit me- it does benefit you. You are a better person and much more comfortable within yourself, that makes me happy for you.
That doesn't change the fact that you aren't the boy I fell in love with last year (perhaps now you are a man)... I loved the attention I got from you, the daily morning text, the daily good night calls, the way that I came first, your tolerance for me is not the same.
This isn't a break up email or an email telling you I don't want to be with you ever (I can't break up if we aren't together lol). However, I did tell you that I want to marry you and its not fair for me to say that. I cannot marry someone I don't know. I do want to get to know the new you though. I love you Ex Fiance and accepting this is not an easy thing for me.
<3
IMWIR

His response to this was that I need to relax, he is having a hard time adjusting to the civilian world (I don't want to know what he will be like if he ever does go to war... adjusting to coming back is going to be horrible for him). He wants to do things right this time with me.

I can understand, and so, I relaxed.

A text conversation went like this: (FYI: I was hanging out with another guy... )
Me: Ill be getting home late. Talk to you tomorrow maybe.
::EX FIANCE calls me but I don't pick up because I was busy::
Ex Fiance: Ahhhh man. I was giving u chill space. I know how you used to be when u were with friends. My heart is racing now because of that "maybe" word. I don't know anything anymore except u... =(
Me: I love you boo and I want YOU but I need to look out for myself- going through the last couple of days has been rough
Ex Fiance: I working things out boo...i am doing my best. I feel like ur moving further w/ each passing second
Me: I won't lie, I am. Doesn't mean I love u any less, but it isn't the sane- you've changed towards me and I won't fight it
Ex Fiance: Stop saying that. Stop. You need to give me more than one week to get adjusted. It doesn't happen right away. Please. Now i am back to begging you.
Me:Its hard, I know you need to do you that's why I've left you alone.
Ex Fiance: but I didn't ask you to leave me alone.
Me: you don't have to ask me to do it...
Ex Fiance: I know but pls don't leave me alone :(
Me: When I was on u told me I need to relax. I leave you alone u don't want that either.

Today my dating situation came up...
In a nutshell, I told him he is the one I love but maybe the timing isn't right, he isn't ready to have me in his life. I can't force him to be ready so I will continue dating. He is my #1 and whenever he decides to come around, if ever, he'll know where to reach me and hopefully I"ll be available.

He called me and explained he didn't want me dating anyone else, he is working on making US better. It might be taking a little longer, and time is working against us but to please work with him.

He also knows I've been talking to one of my closest friend the break dancer and has asked me to speak to him instead, he doesn't want me to stop turning to him when I need to talk.
I told him I still turn to him for a lot but there are certain things he does NOT need, me being emo about whats going on is one of those things. I tried talking to him about how I feel re: this situation and I was told I need to relax.

I have been working with him and I will continue as long as he keeps showing me he is working for us.

This is probably the last post about this situation, I prefer to keep it private.

Love the Good, Hack the Bad...

Being the TV junkie that I am, I was watching Tough Love on VH1 and one of the girls was being reprimanded for always having something set up before she left the guy.
I've known a few people who are guilty of this. My neighbor is one of them... And honestly, its wrong, BUT being human myself I can understand why. The distraction makes it easier to deal with. I have a few other friends who I know do the same thing.

When El Difunto dumped me I didn't have anything set up. Mainly because he left me and caught me off guard so I couldn't have anything set up. The heartache of that was so bad I have been guilty of having something set up before leaving the Ex Fiance (Fitness) to avoid feeling that again. When I left Fitness I didn't have something else set up so I know its not repetitive behavior.

Can you hack the pain?

I know I can't, not right now. This is how I know...
The Ex Fiance is here for a few days, I am very excited about this. I knew I loved him still, and I'm pretty sure my previous blogs gave it away but seeing him just confirmed it.
I had cancelled plans, and left my days open for him. The day after he got here he had to cancel last min because he was running Army errands. That was cool with me.
He tells me he is sitting down for dinner and will call me once he is done. Two hrs go by, I sent him a text telling him I will be salsa dancing, and I hope he enjoyed his very long meal. He calls me back to tell me he fell asleep after eating. Cool with me.
The next morning he and I are suppose to meet up at 10 am. I call him at 9:30 to see what his status is and he was still sleeping. He tells me he will sleep another half hour and then get ready. 2 hrs go by, he should have been in my house already, so I call him.

He was just hopping out the shower.

This is where I get pissed. He could have called me to tell me he was running late if he was already awake. I have literally put my life on hold for him, haven't gone christmas shopping for my parents, and he is being too laid back about me.

His response: IMWIR. I am laid back in general because for the past 5 months i have been on edge. Being yelled at for everything. And I thought you of all people would understand. I never told you to cancel plans with people. I never told you wait to buy your parents gifts. While i appreciate the fact that you are doing all that for me.
I told him I know he didn't ask me to do all that for him but I did it because I wanted to take advantage of the time he was here. I guess I had put too much of myself out there and he had just put everything into perspective for me. We had no obligations to each other and I already knew he was bothered by what had taken place, we didn't have to hang out that day.
His response was I dont get how you flip flop. I wanna come. I just dnt want drama the 3rd day I am here. I am sorry that you cancelled plans today and yesterday.

He came anyway, we had an okay day. I miss the old him, but am being realistic and accepting that he might not exist anymore. I am so into him though, my heart is invested to the point where I have put a wall up and am only allowing myself to enjoy him a certain amount because I don't feel the same in return.

This is why my answer is NO, I can't hack it.

I loved you once, I love you still, I always have, I always will...

It's been snowing in New York. I wasn't in the mood to go out in the snow again, take the train, and find something to do while out in the snow. I had spend a drunken Saturday night caught in the blizzard and the last thing I wanted to do was this... but that is what the guy I was suppose to hang out with wanted to do.
NOTE TO SELF: Date only men who drive.

This guy I had met at the Fundraiser I had put together, he came with my little sisters friend, we had good chemistry and kept in touch. Nothing has ever happened between him and I. I had went on a double date with my little sister, her friend (which is his cousin), him, and I... and he let me pay for the movie. I wasn't even craving a popcorn but I let him get me one out of spite. Sad I know... I just think it is proper etiquette, as the guy, if you invite the girl out TO PAY.

Anyway, I make my way to Union Square, I call the guy and he does not pick up. I send him a text and then get a call from the Ex Fiance. This was the day he was due to come home from basic but due to the snow storm his flight had been delayed. I told him I was in Forever 21 in Union Square and described what the city was like. After some short chit chat he has to let go of the phone, tells me he will call me later and we hang up.

I am online to pay when the guy calls me and tells me he was running late, the transportation from NJ was running slow. He comes to the register where I am paying, I ask him what the plan of action is and he tells me he doesn't know, we will just wing it. GREAT (I am being sarcastic).
As we are walking out of Forever 21 I see the Ex Fiance about to walk into Forever 21.

My heart dropped to my ass- I don't think there has been a moment in my life where I have been so happy to see someone. I ran to him and gave him a loooooooooong hug and asked him WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE? Then I remembered, I am with another guy. I quickly introduced them, and told the guy sorry but the Ex Fiance had just gotten back from the military (he was in uniform). The other guy was cool about it and went on his way.
The Ex Fiance and I went to Max Brenner and this is when I started to tear up...
He looked so good, I was very proud of him and realized how much in love I still am with him.

I LOVE HIM, yes, my cousin that girl was right in her final post...

I have enjoyed the company of other men but there is no one else I want... through out all he has still remained a good friend of mine, someone I have become very dependant on for support. I want to be his wife one day, I am not interested in getting to know someone else. I found the man I can call my better half. I honestly think the timing for everything before was not right, but if through all we have been through we have managed to maintain good communication and a great friendship...

I've never told anyone but him this but the reason I have dealt with the breaking of my engagement so well is because deep down inside I never really accepted us not being together. I would think about the day he wouldn't talk to me anymore and it would make me cringe, he told me he loved me and I to him every time we spoke. That is what would put me at ease.

Womp Womp POMP!

OH JESUS where do I begin with this one...

If you ever want to get to know someone, spend two weeks in a car with them.
Scarf and I literally spent 24 hours of the day together. No, we didn't have sex- he had a conversation with me about this before we even went on the road trip (whew). This is how the conversation came about and it should have been my first clue to what I would have to be dealing with.

He sends me a text (remember, this is before the trip) while I was sleeping to please give him a call when I have the time. I call him as soon as I see that message. He goes on to tell me that a friend of his called him to ask him if he was still going on this trip with me because she had seen me with a guy earlier that week at a salsa party and the guy was kissing on my neck. (This did NOT happen, I am a very private person when it comes to salsa). If this would have been true then I would have fessed up but who the hell is going around making shit up about me? ARE WE IN THE FIFTH GRADE???

I thought about not even catering to this, which is what I should have done... But he kept talking about it and said if I had something with someone else to just tell him. I told him it is no ones business if I am having someone kiss on my neck... no one in Salsa knows I was hanging out with him like that and I did that for a reason. I asked him to do the same to avoid shit like this but apparently he couldn't. He said he never told her but she just put two and two together when he told her I was going on this trip alone with him. THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HER THAT?

1. He then goes on to speak about what is going on with him and I. I tell him I am not ready for anything serious with him and I refuse to deal with this kind of elementary bull, so it's best if we just remain friends.
   This is the very short version of what happened. During the road trip he brings it up AGAIN. Sweet Jesus, give me patience.
   He likes to twist things around to make himself look alright. He noticed I kept getting bothered by the bull shit of having a girl call him with this "he said she said" shit. I told him he is a 40 year old man, I don't know why am I dealing with this kind of stuff with a man twice my age, after I said this he changes his story a little bit that the phone call wasn't a big deal, he was using it as a bridge to ask me about us. I began to even wonder if that phone call even happened.
   He is POMPOUS. Brags about money to other people, talks about how he has money to me all the time. I was kind of tired hearing him talk about money. He will twist the truth so that he comes out looking okay, Ex:
   
   We were in a car with another guy in the passenger seat. I was sitting in the back seat. The passenger was giving him directions and he points to the left and says "turn left". Scarf turns right. We all ask him what is he doing and he says "you said turn right", we all correct him and say he said left. Scarf then goes "oh, I meant he said left and pointed right so I followed his hand." We all had this confused look on our faces, and I KNOW he pointed left but the little man cannot admit he made a mistake in this case so we let it go.
   
2. A guy from a tattoo shop had wanted to hang out but did not want to go out clubbing. So he told me to invite everyone over to his house, he has a hot tub and a pool table with a bar in his basement. I told everyone but we did not end up going. The night I was in the hotel room throwing up my In-n-Out french fries he makes a comment to my sister about how I give out my number to anyone and mocks me wanting to hang out with the guy from the shop and that the guy probably did not even invite us all. He said that I probably said we all have to come.I called him out on this the next day and he then says he is offended because he thought him and Pang were friends. That he meant it as a joke and there was no need for her to bring that up. OH REALLY?



3. We were in a cab in Denver, the total was 6 bucks. He hands he guy a 5o dollar bill but the cabbie does not have change for that, he had just started his shift. Scarf asks him what kind of cab is he that carries no change. The cab responds that business isn't good and that he JUST STARTED HIS SHIFT. He asks Scarf if he has anything smaller, Scarf says no, he is from NY and people from New York and with money don't carry anything smaller then a 50. PFFFT. They get into it and the cab tells him there is no need to argue, they will find a solution. I had enough of hearing this so I tell the cab I am a poor New Yorker so I have a $10. I gave it to him, apologized and got out of the cab.



4. Another time he was checking in and I waited in the car , the valet guy had to move it to make way for other cars and we had a brief conversation. He asked me where I am from, I told him NY. He asked what were we in town for and if it was my first time, I told him it was my second and I was there with my friend for dancing- he responds "oh I thought that was your boyfriend". I tell him no, he is just a friend... he says bye and that was that.Once we are in our room Scarf says "the valet guy was giving me props, asking me where did I get such a pretty girlfriend" (he is saying this in a very Scarf way, Pang knows what I am talking about) and I tell him, without even looking at him "he knows I am not your girlfriend". I turn around and he is just looking caught. Then he says "he asked you?! he isn't suppose to be asking you things like that."



5. When that whole thing with Pang and the tattoo artist happened he woke me up to ask me if he should cancel the Cirque tickets because one thing he does not mess around with is money. Those tickets were expensive (they were alright, he bragged about them like they were the best seats in the house) and if we aren't going to be his friend that he doesn't need to spend his money. Or something along those lines. ARE YOU SERIOUS... AGAIN?!

He wasn't all bad all the time... but I saw a side of him that I know I could NOT live with. I am glad Pang got to see it as well because I started to think I was crazy for seeing this ALL THE TIME.

Besides that- I had a great time, there was never an awkward moment. He was a great host, he knew where he was going and I just had to sit back and relax :)

Viva Las Wegas

Its Friday Morning in Vegas as I write this...
Thursday is little Friday and we treated it as such.
Let me begin...

We went salsa dancing at this hole in the wall spot (there is a big Rodeo something in town and all the big salsa places were closed so we had to find the local places). It was cool, no one there really knew how to dance. Let the drinking begin there. I only had one shot of Cuervo. I was too full from dinner to drink again.

On our way back to the hotel we stop by a Walgreens and buy necessities for the drinks- club soda, and juices. Next door is a liquour store that looks closed. When I am done at Walgreens I get in the car with Scarf and tell him we need to go to the liqour store. He responds in a dry tone and looking at me "its closed". I asked if he checked and he said yes. I go back into Walgreens to get my sister Pang and the other salsa dancer that came with us (we will call him Mr. Rican because he is Puerto Rican).

We go back to the hotel and I decide that before we head upstairs I'm going to ask if there is a liqour store walking distance. The man directs me and Pang and I go on our way. It was chilly so I had to lend Pang my jacket. We walk up to the same effin liqour store, GOOD JOB SCARF! I get the cherry flavored Vodka and walk back.

When I arrive to the room Scarf is standing there looking dumbfounded at the fact that we found liqour. He asks where I get it and I told him the truth, at the exact same liqour store he told me was closed. He notices I'm bothered and says sorry, he didn't know. (Pls remember he told me he checked).

Mr. Rican comes in, Pang and I are getting ready in the bathroom and I hear Scarf telling Jim how I came in pissed that I had to walk to the liqour store. NO, that's not the reason I was bothered... I was bothered because I know he didn't check and told me he did. Mr. Rican says how nice it was for us to have gone and asks Scarf if he thanked us. He tells him yes (which he didn't), then walks in the bathroom 10 mins later while I am putting on my make up and says thank you. I decided to brush the situation off- I'm in Vegas and with other people.
Off we go to Tao. Long story short... Mr. Rican and Pang end up kissing a few times, I had red panties with a purple dress on and I was dancing so carelessly I think a few ppl saw my underwear (talk about classy), I was sippin on Vodka on the rocks, we lost Scarf a few times... AND

I ended up making friends with this security guard who tells me that my sister and I could go to VIP. I tell him we are salsa dancers from New York and we had a show at the Tropicana the day before and are guest instructors for a few classes on Saturday. I explained the two guys we were with were our salsa partners and we couldn't go in without them because that would be rude and thanked him for the offer. I need to stop reading Chelsea Handler's book. I kept telling people my sisters name was Ana (those of you who know me personally know her name is NOT Ana...)

Our friend Mr. Rican, being the salsa dancer that he is, is spinning to music and knocks down the phone of a passing security guard (who happened to be the boss) and he immediately gives the sign to escort him. A few guards come and tell us we can stay but he has to go. They know it was an honest mistake and no one was being hostile- none of us were being sloppy drunks, but the power hungry little asian had to feel important... We didn't fight it (it was already 3:30 am and were literally planning on leaving like 10 mins later) and so we walked out.

I looked at the pictures this morning and couldn't stop cracking up, especially since I don't remember posing for half of them. GOOD TIMES!

I AM ALREADY IN NY AS I WRITE THIS NEXT PART

The next day we decide to go to In-n-Out because Mr. Rican just couldn't get enough. I am a vegeterian but I decide to take one for the team and order a side of French Fries.

I spent the rest of the night throwing up greasy french fries. I literally saw the grease bubbles in the toilet water. It was disgusting. They all went to the hotel club TRYST where Scarf's company apparently had a hard time standing up lol. (A blog about Scarf coming soon)

Saturday night we went to see the show Mystere (cirque du soliel). It was great. We were so tired though we ended up staying in that night.

So Vegas wasn't too crazy- one of us got kicked out the club, and one of us threw up so I guess we did what people do in Vegas lol.

Late Night Movie MADE ME CRY

I rarely cry at movies. Its been known to happen where I TEARED with:

1. P.S. I Love You


2. World Trade Center (ok, I might have shed a few tears with this one...)

Its Thanksgiving night and I decided after family dinner to stay home for once (instead of going dancing). There isn't much on TV, so I go to the Free Movies on Demand channel. This channel mostly shows old movies, or movies I never heard of. Last time I did this I saw the movie Shattered (with Gerard Butler, I love that man). It was an okay pass time. Tonight I chose a movie called One Last Thing.

Its about a boy who has cancer and for his last wish he wants to spend the weekend with a super model. Its classified under comedy... I have never cried as much as I did through this movie (I guess watching a movie alone at night intensifies emotions???). This kid in the movie has been dealt one shitty hand... And has kept an attitude I can only hope to maintain if I was ever faced with the hardships he has.

I've always wanted to volunteer as one of those people who keeps people company in hospitals. Watching this movie has confirmed I will not be able to hold myself together. I have always had a thankful attitude, even if its just in my head, about the kind of life I live. I am healthy, I have love, shelter, and have fun. This is one of those movies that makes you realize what you have to be thankful for- and life is short. Ironically I watched this on thanksgiving night. Read my first post...

Natural Beauty

I am sad to admit that I have become a reality T.V. junkie. One show that I randomly got caught up watching is SEX REHAB with Dr. Drew.

One of the exercises on the last episode was for the women only, they had to remove their make up (after they spent all morning putting it on). A few of the women on the show had a really hard time with this for various reasons. One of them thought she looked like a boy without make up... And never left her house without it.

This got me thinking- I know a few people who don't walk out of their house without make up... My cousin Grace is one of them, my little sister is kind of one of these people as well...
I noticed I am also (as of this year) becoming one of these people who need to put on a little blush to step out of my house because I am so damn pale. Well, today I stepped out of my house WITHOUT any make up. One day, not today, I will go party without make up. I dare all of you to do the same. One night of the natural face OUT.

Good luck to those with the cojones to do it :)

Saltiest Kiss of My Life

I am back from vacationing at the Bahamas and although I had a horrible experience (I will touch base and elaborate on this later in the post) I did:

• Get to enjoy a hot day (I need to move somewhere hot. It truly puts me in a happy place. I hate the cold.)


• Swam with dolphins (check that off my "must do in life" list)


• Unexpectedly got kissed on the mouth by a sea lion (it was the sweetest, best, saltiest kiss of my life... And it came from a sea lion named Cassie. I kissed a girl, and I liked it.)


• Went down the slide on the Mayan Temple in the Atlantis resort (after walking up, chickening out, and being pep talked by the resort employee).

This vacation was an experience to say the least. I want to go back to my last post I Packed for Heat.
My sister Pang told me she had told my neighbor what happened and I immediately asked her "why?!" This caught me off guard, my neighbor is like family and we aren't ashamed to tell each other things. The reality of it is that I am embarrassed, and that's why I asked why.

Now that I have the time to write, let me go into further detail...
I had been drinking a good amount- I usually don't depend on alcohol but I could tell to survive 3 nights with this guy I WAS GOING TO NEED IT.
We went to bed and I started to doze off. I should have woken up when I felt him attempt to come snuggle with me. I kind of just tried to push him off and repositioned myself and KNOCKED OUT. I can't even tell you how much time in between that and the moment he started to rub the inside of my leg happen but I remember feeling that but still sleeping. Apparently I moaned when he went down on me (I found this out through conversation with him later)...
He went in and when he flipped over to put me on top is when I finally was forced to kind of wake up. I was so dizzy. I thought to myself wtf is going on. It was my first night there so it took me a while to register that I wasn't home sleeping in my bed. I remembered that I was in the Bahamas with HIM and I opened my eyes, jumped off, and ran to the shower.
He asked me if I was okay, I said yes from inside the shower and replied "I hope you aren't mad at me..."
Now I'm just feeling hung over because the reality of what just happened took any drunkenness I had away... And I'm pretty pissed but not recognizing it because I'm still in disbelief.
I tell him to leave me alone and I go to sleep.

The next day we barely exchange words. I went to walk around and found the beach. I couldn't stop thinking about the ex fiance and how I wish I was there with him instead. I wanted to talk to him about what happened, he is a comfort of mine.

The guy finally brings it up and tells me he enjoyed making love to me. ::gag::
We exchange the following points.The conversation didn't go word for word like this but here are the key points...

IMWIR: I was drunk. If I was sober that wouldn't not have happened. It was a mistake and very poor judgement on my part.
Him: I didn't seem that drunk. I moaned and made suggestions that I was enjoying it. Do I feel like I was raped? Do I honestly feel this was a mistake?
IMWIR: I don't have to stagger to be drunk. People who know me can tell I am drunk by the look on my face and he knows I was drunk. I drank a lot, and he paid for them so he knows I drank a lot. Rape is a strong word so I won't use it but I do feel I was taken advantage of in a state where I could not make decisions. I not only had been drinking but already in slumber... The combination of the two is enough to put me in the wrong state for him to have tried that. That would have NEVER happened had I been okay.
Him: I can ask anyone and they will say me accepting the trip knows sex would probably be involved.
IMWIR: He booked a trip to the Dominican Republic for us before and his money went to waste because I never went for that reason and he knew the reason why. He knows how I feel about him, I never lead him on. I accepted this trip because he asked endlessly and I didn't want his $ to go to waste. He is a man, I didn't think I needed to sit and talk him through the rules of the game again. I never demonstrated they would have changed. Regardless, the moment to try that was not when I was drunk and sleeping.

This situation is open for interpretation. People will have their opinions, some will say I got raped (like the ex fiance), others will think that I got taken advantage of (which is what I prefer to say), some find no difference between the two. Whatever the case, it is an ugly situation.

To top it off- AFTER this conversation, I am looking through his camera (with his permission of coarse) and as I flip through them I see he took close ups of my crotch area- disgusting! All in all, I have never felt so violated- to top it off by a police officer.

His defense: he took a picture of every part of my body (my feet, eyes, butt, back of my head...) which he did.

I can't believe I even have a post up here like this...

I Packed For Heat

Hello Bloggers

I am here in Atlantis and have 15 minutes to use the internet so I will make this quick.

1st- it not THAT hot and I packed for heat so I am wearing a mismatching jean jacket every where I go. I might just wear the one pair of long jeans I brought every single night.

2nd- most of the pools are closed. Ef you Atlantis.

3rd- there is NO NIGHT LIFE on the resort from Monday-Wed... which happen to be the nights that I am here.
As a result I ended up getting drunk at the casino bar (where I played and lost $20 in a drunken state)... with a tiny dance floor. I got my ass smacked when they played "she turned around and I gave that big booty a slap! HEY!" By an older white woman. Good times. I took video of a local dancing. I will show you guys when I get home.

Which leads me to the following. I let something happen that I NEVER pictured myself letting happen. I had sex with the guy who brought me here. I don't like him AT ALL and I get pissed because he knew I was too intoxicated and took advantage of that. As soon as I realized what was fucking happening I STOPPED and went to the shower.

This reminded me of a moment THAT GIRL would have (sorry cousin, I love you) and that isn't me. I don't do these kinds of things! It is the first time I have ever done something I regret from drinking. And so, I think from now on I will go back to my sober ways unless I am hanging out with my girls, or the ex fiance.

OFF TO SWIM WITH THE DOLPHINS IN THE RAIN I GO!

Vaca- here I come!

Hey all,

I decided to make this a light one. I realllly didn't want this blog to be just about boys and that's all it seems to be about (I guess that is what happens when you are single and DON'T work).

Believe me, there is a lot to tell but I will leave all boy stories out of this one. Just for personal peace of mind I guess lol.

I'm posting this up today but I know most of you will not read this until Monday- because you read this while at work... But PEACE BITCHES! (I mean that with love)... I'm out to the Bahamas for an all inclusive trip at Atlantis.
Hopefully while you are reading this I'll be on the airplane, or who knows- I might be in my Bikini sippin on a cocktail at the beach...

He Thinks I have Potential. How Flattering.

Here is one for shit's and giggles.

This is a guy I went to college with and that is that. Nothing every happened and he has never been mentioned, nor will get a label on the post because- well... he will probably never be mentioned again. I will keep his initials JD.

I have not changed anything except the names.

Participants:-------------In My World I ROCK (IMWIR), J D

Messages:---------

J D: Hi

IMWIR Hola :)

J D: Hi chula

J D: Como estas

IMWIR: With a stuffy nose :) lol

J D: Ouchh

J D: Hope u geT better

J D: What's new

J D: What are you up to

IMWIR: Not much. A few vacations coming up

J D: A few?

IMWIR: Well- 2

J D: Are you a cop already?

J D: Hmm I just came back from dr

J D: 8 days

IMWIR: How was that? No I'm not a cop yet? Where r u working now? The same place?

J D: Yes

J D: It was fun I needed it

J D: Nothing crazy but I got to relax

J D: You still live up In the heights

J D: ?

IMWIR: Yeah man

J D: Cool

J D: Todavis soltera?

IMWIR: Yea

J D: Tempting

J D: Olle viene el frio ya

J D: Hmm

J D: Lol

IMWIR: I hate the cold

J D: I see

J D: So what's up?

J D: Vamo a comenzar los amores ahora pa cuando llegue el frio tar ready

J D: Lol

J D: Que diga tar abrigados lol

IMWIR: Lmao

J D: I'll take that as a yes.

J D: Hmm I know I liked u school

J D: Debimos salir

J D: I always wanted to do you

J D: ;)

IMWIR: Wow

IMWIR: Lol that straight forward

J D: Lol

J D: Ya tamo en el 2010 casi

J D: Muchacha

J D: Its true I think your a good fuck

J D: But you prob make a nice wofe too

J D: I'm jusy trying to say you have potential

J D: In the event

IMWIR: Wow

IMWIR: I'm glad you see me as a good fuck but I give my "pussy" value... And I don't go around just fucking guys.

IMWIR: So I appreciate the compliment (I suppose) but you can't scratch that idea out of your "to do" list

IMWIR: Take care J D

J D: Dique now your shy

J D: No no te ofenda

J D: Ok

J D: I actually think your a descent girl

J D: What?

J D: But you look very interesting

J D: I just suck at expresing myself

J D: :(

IMWIR: Apology accepted but this conversation ends here. Again, take care JD.

JD: kk bye

*END CONVO*

Then he deleted me off of Black Berry Messanger.

Grand Canyon Lovin' Preview

I don't feel like doing too much writing about this so I will copy and paste a conversation I had on gmail with one of my best friends Break Dancer. Ladies, he is the shit.

Participants:-------------In My World I ROCK (IMWIR) , Break Dancer
Messages:---------
Break Dancer: Word! I hate itttttttt
IMWIR : Me too. I don't think anyone likes being broke
IMWIR: Yo so u want to hear the latest
Break Dancer: Tell me lol
IMWIR: I went to sleep over Scarfs house
IMWIR : ...
IMWIR : Where do I begiiiiin
Break Dancer First time?
IMWIR: Sleeping over, no- the first time I slept over was the night I THREW UP
IMWIR : Remember my blog
Break Dancer: Ooooh yea haha
IMWIR : K
IMWIR : So...
IMWIR : That time nothing happened cuz... Well... I was throwing up.
Break Dancer: Right
IMWIR: In short: 1-he is a horrible intense kisser (but okay when it isn't a heated kiss)... But great orally... 2- we didn't have sex because he told me he wants to wait until the grand canyon BUT he has a small package... 3- I couldn't stop thinking about the ex fiance.
Break Dancer: Woah
Break Dancer: Hold on
Break Dancer: Take it back lol
IMWIR : ...
IMWIR : To which one
Break Dancer: 1 you are just figuring out now he's a bad intense kisser like u say?
IMWIR : No
IMWIR: Wait
Break Dancer: Oooh ok
Anel : I said he is an okay kisser but you know when things get intense... Sometimes the kiss changes
Break Dancer: Lol yea
Break Dancer: Yo i'm laughing here
IMWIR: So he is horrible at the but when he is kissing anything that isn't my lips its great
Break Dancer: Hahahha
Break Dancer: Lmao
IMWIR : Lol
IMWIR : Jesus
Break Dancer: So a man that wants to wait? That's strange
Break Dancer: Also about his little problem. Tell him to try one of those pills on tv. Maybe it will work lol
IMWIR : I'm not telling him shit
IMWIR : After the road trip it won't matter
Break Dancer: Why?
IMWIR : I am still in love with the ex fiance.
Break Dancer : So after the trip u are going to dead scarf?
IMWIR : I don't know what to do
IMWIR : I enjoy him
IMWIR : And I know I'll have fun on this trip and its fucked up of me to go on this trip and accept all his dates knowing my heart is somewhere else.

*END CONVO*

Jesus how fuckeD up am I?

I really do enjoy Scarf but being in bed with him... didn't feel right.
When I was with Fitness I didn't mind being in bed with him at all.
How fucked up is it of me to think- thank god he wants to wait until the Grand Canyon, that's half way through the trip and the other 4 days my sister Pang will be sharing a room with us in Vegas! Then we have just 3 days.

I almost deleted that last bit because I felt THAT HORRIBLE writing it... but what's this blog for if I have to censor it?

Who knows- hopefully I come back from this trip and have to EAT MY WORDS because his intentions are super sweet. He wants me to dress up for a photo shoot in my elegant dresses in the Grand Canyon- he is bringing his professional camera for this.

He is booking a bunch of fun activities like a helicopter ride in the Grand Canyon, rock climbing, seeing shows...

Although, I probably won't be getting much sleep on this trip. HE SNORES.

I Know Too Much

This wasn't meant to be a blog about my dating life. Actually, I tried to make it a point to NOT make it about just boys but I guess all I have been doing is having fun- while dating.

Today I am going to flip the switch and write about something else that is very important in my life. MY PARENTS.

Usually I will write, and re write a blog but this one I am just winging it. I actually don't even know where to start...

I've always felt that I KNOW TOO MUCH. I love my mother, I've said it before- I have had, since little, an unhealthy attachment to that woman. She is my friend, actually, she is one of my better friends.

I think my mom feels the same about me. I think that sometimes it is hard for her to draw a line between mother and friend ONLY WHEN it comes to talking about her personal business. I feel like I KNOW TOO MUCH.

I've had my differences with my dad. Every fight I have had with him has been because of my inability to back down from something I think is unfair. I have my rights to judge him for what has happened between him and I. Honestly, I have judged him for things I know about him through my mother. I know that I know too much.

But how do you tell your mother, who you can tell is telling you these things because she needs an outlet... "Mom, stop... Maybe I shouldn't know all of this..."

I never said it. And today, I wish I did.
Let me explain...

When the ex fiance and I broke up I moved back home to a hostile situation between my parents. Shortly after moving back my parents "separated" and my mom has been sleeping on a couch in my room. At first I thought this was just one of their shenanigans.

It wasn't.

My mom still sleeps in my room.

My parents talk divorce.
He says my mom has put his personal business out there about problems they've had in the bedroom, and my mom has just had problems with him for years...

My mom suffers from depression and insomnia. I think what has been helping her has been READING.

While at the library, she is at the Spanish books section just flipping through books and finds this book of magic where there is a section about insomnia. She decides to look at a few other books in that genre and finds that a few of them have a insomnia section. She takes 3 out and brings them home.

My dad comes home and finds this. It triggers his curiosity so he looks through all her books and of coarse he finds two more.

He approaches my mom about this, starts to fight to her that he thinks she is into some brujeria. That there is a smell in the house that she refuses to explain (its a glade plug in... and she refuses to tell him what or where it is because then he will remove it), and then he finds these books.

My mom and him start going back and forth about snooping through each others shit, and a bunch of other things.

I am in the bathroom getting ready for an event while this is happening and I start to get that feeling of anxiety so I shut the door and put the music up. Pang is in our bedroom and she does the complete opposite, she lowers the music so she could hear better lol.

Anyway, my mom comes up to me today and asks me if I heard what happened yesterday. I smirk and say yes. She goes on to repeat the entire argument as she saw it and tells me that at night she was thinking that once he told her that he thinks someone did some brujeria (witchery) to him. After he saw that book that maybe he thinks the reason why he is IMPOTENT is because she was the one who did it to him.

MY HEART DROPPED, I tried not to react to what I was hearing.

I kind of wish I didn't know. I know that I know too much.

It's 4:30. No, really... It is.

I Have to start off by saying LET'S GO YANKEES! Congrats on the 2009 World Series Win

Moving on...

Things IMWIR strongly dislikes:

• Soggy Cereal
• Wet Clothes
• The train during rush hour
• Waking up to an alarm clock
• Being rushed

I had plans to meet Scarf at 3 p.m. There was no hot water (I should have added cold showers to the list of dislikes) at home so he pushed plans back to 3:30 to give me time to find a solution to this very big problem.
We finally get hot water and I'm getting ready when I get a phone call at 2:24 p.m... Its Scarf.

Scarf: Heeeey, what are you doing?

IMWIR: We just got hot water so I just hopped out the shower.

Scarf: Oh, well... IM HERE!

::silence::

IMWIR: ummm okay cool- you're early, I need a few minutes to get ready.

Scarf: Ok. How much time do you need?

(This is where I start to get bothered, you said 3:30 and are pressuring me for time when you are AN HOUR early. As I said before, I strongly dislike being rushed).

IMWIR: Another 20 minutes.

Scarf: I'll be getting coffee, see you in 20.

I get another call at 2:52

Its Scarf.

Scarf: Hey...

IMWIR: Yessss....

Scarf: what's up? What's your status?

IMWIR: (a little dry) I'll be out in 10 minutes.
This is so unlike him, he is such a chill dude, why is he being so damn persistent when he is super early and he was the one who offered to push the time back an extra half hour?

I don't know where we are going or what we are doing. We drive to Columbus Circle, put the car in the garage and walk towards Central Park.

All the horse and carriages are on the side and I comment on how I would love to own a horse and although the rides are nice, I hate to see them so restricted and tied up.

Scarf: oh, well... Surprise! We are going for a horse and carriage ride around central park. They are closing the stables soon so these are their last weeks.

Talk about putting my foot in my mouth!! It was a good ride, very romantic.

On our walk back he asks me for the time.

IMWIR: It's 4:30

Scarf: No it isn't.

I scramble in my purse for my phone. I check the time on that.

IMWIR: yes it is.

Scarf: that's impossible. It can't be.

I start to think maybe we are running late for something...

Scarf: I picked you up at 4:30... That's why I was rushing you, I wanted to do this before the sun went down.

IMWIR: no, u were in the heights at 2:30 and we left a little after 3.
This entire time he went by the time in his car and was an hour early. Damn this day light savings.

After, we went to Hummus in Hells Kitchen- and I must say the food was impressive. To end off the night he met up with me after dance school to dance a few salsa songs and off we went to meet up with my older sister Pang to watch the World Series.
Needless to say, to end a perfect date- the YANKS won the World Series.

IN NEW YORK THEY SMOKE PHILLIES.

Earlier today Scarf and I were emailing back and forth- he sent me some of the pics from yesterday's date. I responded thanking him again, and here goes his response:

That was cool and what I considered, "simple romance." In short, planning days like that is a reflection of how I feel about you. I want effortless, unique and fun experiences with you. There is nothing like seeing a smile on your face. :)

Baseball Managing: COME TO MY TEAM

There are many things I've done that I thought I never would do...

There are many things I haven't done that I want to do...

Let me explain

My neighbor has this gay co-worker whom through out the years has become a good friend of hers. Let's call him Confused.

I got the chance to really see Confused at my neighbors birthday party in May. I know that one does not have to fit the stereo type but this guy does not look or act gay... and on top of that I think he is pretty good looking. Not usually what I am attracted to but he is a good looking guy.

I tell my neighbor this and she tells me that he has had one girlfriend when he was younger and I guess she scared him out of liking girls, so he was into guys BUT that he was attracted to my neighbor once and has never been with a girl so she says he is just confused. She says he shouldn't shut girls out completely until he has been with one. On top of that he is a real shy guy so for him to get to know a girl is difficult.

Halloween night comes along and my girls and I are looking better and sexy as ever. Confused comes in his Robin costume (I was dressed as a ballerina) and it all started in the car ride. We didn't have enough space so someone had to sit on top of someone else. Being that I am the smallest, I sat on top of Confused. My neighbor is winking at me the entire ride...

We get to the club and I was already into my third double shot of Vodka (I had been there 20 minutes) when I come back from the bathroom my neighbor says "IMWIR kiss Confused!".

I turn around and plant one on him. His lips were so soft that we just tapped... tapped... TONGUE. Yes, we were making out in the club. I spent my entire Halloween night making out with a gay guy. Most of the time I went to kiss him, that's how shy he was... or maybe it's that's how drunk I was???

We talked a lot. I can't remember half the shit we spoke about but at one point he is talking to me about his family and acceptance from his father. Good conversation to have at a Halloween party held in a strip club while drunk. I go on to tell him my story about the last time I tried with my father and that "I am still angry but he can pass away and I have no regrets, because I told him why". Mind you, now him and I are tearing in the club talking about this shit.

He says "give me your phone, I need to make a phone call". (He had lost his at this point at night)... We step outside and he is calling all his family members to try to get his dads phone number at 2 o clock in the morning crying. I was in utter shock at what was going on. I kept asking him "are you sure you want to do this?" He told me if he didn't do it at that moment, he was never going to do it.

I decided to back off, take a few steps back and just watch. He finally got his dads number and left him a voicemail that broke my heart. I started to cry watching him. It was basically telling him he knows he doesn't accept his life style and that's why he treats him different then the others but that he still loves him, and told him the reasons he was angry- mostly for things that he has done to his mother. That's all I will put up here out of respect for the situation.

When we left the club I got dropped off at his house, I told him I wanted to cuddle (he had to be up for work an hr and a half later). We lay down in bed and cuddle... and we started to fall asleep when I turned to face him and my hand landed on his inner thigh.

I got to business.

I wasn't too aggressive with anything, I kinda wanted to let him do what he wanted with me since he "had never been with a girl."

I'm calling bull shit when I see it.

Although he was very gentle (per my request) he knew what he was doing.

We ended up waking up LATE. He had to be at work at 7 and we woke up at 7:45.

I woke up with my thong and pantyhose hanging from one leg. I slipped it back on, threw on my leotard and tutu and walked out. This walk of shame reminded of something out of My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler.

He paid for my cab to go home and I stood outside of my building in my tutu hoping someone was awake to open the door. I had no keys or no cell phone on me. My mom was awake. I made up some bull shit excuse as to why was I coming home at 8 in the morning still in my costume and went to bed.

I am about to go talk to my neighbor now so I'll have his side of it later. He did tell her he wants more of me.

I had sex with a gay guy and I was the first girl he had ever been with. I might have just turned him straight.

Drop & Flush? Maybe Not

I've been doing some free lance work at my older sister Pang's job.

It is a small office and the work area I have been assigned to is literally right IN FRONT of the bathroom door.

After a few hours of being there I needed to take a crap... But I couldn't in the office because some genius decided putting the restroom in the middle of the office was a good idea.

I tried to wait until I got home but I was beginning to loose concentration, that's how bad it was getting. Pang suggest I do what she does, GO TO LORD & TAYLOR.

Fuck it.

I go.

They have really nice bathroom lounges.

I go to the 2nd floor, there is a lady just hanging out in the lounge area ALONE.

Time to go to the 4th floor.The cleaning lady is cleaning... Great. She tells me I can use one anyway, I decline.

8th floor it is.

I lay my toilet paper down and in my head I'm thinking do the drop and flush like Sassy Daisy.

I sit and get ready to go when I hear ass explosions from like 3 different directions.

NO SHAME.

Pang, I guess you aren't the only one with this master plan.

He Put His Name On The Card

I know you are all probably thinking WHAT ABOUT SCARF?

Scarf... Here is the latest:

My moms birthday was rolling around. I was planning a very intimate surprise gathering for her and decided against cake. I opted for Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake. Being that I live in the city, there are no Cheesecake Factory's in the city, and I don't have a car, I was either going to have to haul ass or ask for a favor.

I asked for the favor and Scarf was at the receiving end.

He agreed to pick up the cheesecake for me. Awesome!

He is very creative and asked me if I wanted him to spice it up a bit. I told him he could do his thing. He tells me he made a card to go along with it that says its from In My World I Rock and Scarf, and asked if that was ok.

nice right?

this wasn't the original product but it was the only one I could find without the card with our names or any family members in it.

It wasn't a big deal to me UNTIL...Out of courtesy I ask how much do I owe him. He says "it's more but just give me $50". I was taken a back because I honestly didn't think he would charge me. He hands me the receipt from the cheesecake factory and I realize the things I ordered just came out to a total of an estimated $30. Meaning he charged me for all the extra things he spent on making it pretty... Which is cool. It's my moms birthday, I won't cry over spending money on her, and it's just $20 but it is the principle he PUT HIS NAME ON THE CARD!

WTF

3 days later we are at a salsa social. We didn't arrive together and I kind of don't like my personal business out there in that scene so I keep it low key. He on the other hand kisses me hello, good bye, and always sits to chit chat <- which is cool.

I'm sitting alone, minding my business when he comes to me and says "whenever you have time during the week, we need to talk" and walks away.

This shit made me feel like when I was 10 and my mom would tell me "tenemos que hablar". You know that meant nothing good. She would never warn me about talking about anything good.

I decided he wasn't going to keep me wondering until we both had time to talk. It was a busy week for the both of us so it was going to be at least 6 days before that would happen. I told him we could step outside and speak then. Sometimes I just wish I would let things be.

We sat in his car and he basically confessed how much he likes me and how I make him feel.

He hasn't felt this way about a girl since his ex girlfriend (his last and only love). He can tell I sometimes hold back and he doesn't know what to make of that. If I don't want to kiss him I don't have to but he is human and if he isn't something I want I need to let him know so he can let it be what it is.

I explained why I it is I am not affectionate at the socials, and that he knows that right now I am not ready for exclusivity (he doesn't know how I feel about the ex fiance and he doesn't need to know), but I do enjoy him and spending time with him. I always have had a good time. He was content with this response.

He further explained that he is very proud to walk with me and he is lucky to get to know me and be the one to be with me. Then he told me, in non perverted words, that his penis won't be able to act like a gentleman much longer around me.

Hehe.

Other then that... Everything with him has been smoooooth sailing but obviously, if you read the post below this one, I still have some unresolved love for the Ex Fiance.