I know I Am An Adult When I Am Making These Types Of Decisions...

Bloggers! Long time no see...

It's been over a month. I am sorry. Well, lots been going on! Where shall I begin. Right, well... this happened...

Yeap.

It was Tings.

You read right. WAS. I didn't keep it. It was a mutual decision. It is for the best, he and I aren't ready for that yet, it wasn't the right time for US. I had the support of a lot of people and felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders when the procedure was over. I know I did the right thing.
^ADULT DECISION 1^

HELLO NUVA RING!

Staying on the subject of Ting, I am in trouble. My feelings for him are just growing stronger and stronger. I am happy to have him as a friend and more. It hasn't been peaches and cream this entire time (obviously, see above lol). We've gotten through everything together and have kept GREAT COMMUNICATION through it all.

The ex-fiance. Oh man I just had a hard talk with him yesterday. I had to let him know that I had to let go for real. I know he and I aren't going to work, atleast not right now. He had his chance to slide back in when he came back from boot camp and he didn't take it. It is time for me to be fair to someone else. The ex-fiance still had hope for us and would guilt trip me for not answering his calls. It hurt, but it needed to be done. I am going to miss him.
^ADULT DECISION 2^

The NYPD called me. I don't want to jinx it so all I will say is there is a high chance of a large class going in July. This might be my turn. ::FINGERS CROSSED::


Ting has to go to Vegas for a week for work. He bought me my flight so we could spend some time together assuming I will be getting into the July academy. I didn't think I would look forward to spending an entire week alone with someone like this. I bought a few sexy little things to thank him ;o)... I'll let you know how it goes.
 
FYI I am almost up to my 100th blog and I don't know what to do with that lol.

It Hit Me In Wholefoods

I did it.

I had the talk with the ex fiance.

I had a talk with my mom and she suggested if I wanted to do it, to just do it. She knew in my heart I was never going to find the moment I was looking for because I still loved him.


The next time he called I just did it.


I told him I didn't want to keep strumming him along in something in my heart I didn't think was going to work. Love isn't enough, and we differ in the way we like to spend our time. At the moment it might not seem like a big deal but I like to vacation, and go away on weekends, go try different things, dance. I won't say he doesn't ever try. The few times he does plans never go through. He lives a "wing it" life and is satisfied with being a homebody. In the long run, its going to catch up to us- it already has some what.


The first three years of a relationship are suppose to be the best and with him I have gone through some hardships people married for ten years haven't gone through.


His family gives me anxiety. I can't deal with it. I don't know how to be with a family I don't get along with.

Love isn't enough.

I didn't tell him about Ting. I didn't want him to think Ting was the reason why.


He was upset at first and told me he wasn't going to fight me on this.


That changed two hours later. He said it wasn't fair and he was not going to take this lying down. He loves me and it isn't fair for me to say my peice and walk away. Then he tried to guilt trip me and say the stuff depressed guys say when they loose their woman.


He said he had big things planned for us this week. I had a feeling he was just saying that because of what was going on.


I am okay when he isn't telling me these things. Well, I am better then expected.


I am trying to stick to my guns and follow the advice I give other people.


Then it happened. Yesterday I went to the supermarket. Ting was suppose to come with me but he got stuck at work so I went ahead and he picked me up; The ex fiance and I always had a good time doing our groceries. I was walking down the isles by myself and it hit me. I started to tear.


My handsome ex-fiance, I will miss you but I need to be greedy and do what is right for me.

Someone Elses Turn

Oh lord, what an eventful weekend.
Ting and I went to Philadelphia for the Philly Salsa Jam. We spent the weekend at his friends house and I, ladies and gentlemen... had an experience.
I arrived before Ting did, I have a cousin in Philly and wanted to spend some time with him and see his apartment. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I left with Ting because we had an action packed weekend, so I opted to leave a little earlier and have Ting pick me up when he arrived at night.

I arrived, walked the city with my cousin, went to his place- and I got HOMESICK! WTF I had only been there for six hours and I was homesick. It usually happens if I am not being kept occupied, which was the case (my cousin is a very mellow dude, and his live in girlfriend is even more). Ting arrives and I had never been happier to see him. My homesickness had gone away.

Weird.

Moving on.

We went out to party that night. The next day we went to tour the city on the Ride the Duck tour, had lunch with his friends, saw the liberty bell, went out to dinner, went salsa dancing, and the next morning he surprised me with a trip to the aquarium! (He had remembered in conversation that I love the aquarium and anytime I am in a new city I try to visit their aquarium).

He was amazing.
And then it happened.

He asked me to be his girlfriend.

Sounds great, especially since I like the guy and I said YES... right?

I wouldn't ask the question if the answer wasn't no. So NO. What's the problem you ask? THE EX FIANCE.

He told me once, while arguing about something that had nothing to do with this (I had asked him "what were you thinking with?")  "I was thinking with my heart, if I thought with my head In My World I ROCK I wouldn't have asked you to marry me".
It hurt like all hell to hear that, funny enough now I am having to think with this mentality.

It is no secret that the ex fiance is something I have been battling with for a few weeks.

My heart loves him but my head is almost positive that there are so many things that are missing. Love is powerful, but it is not enough to make a successful relationship work.
I don't plan on telling him that I am seeing someone else, but I need to break the news to him that I need to stop thinking we will work. Or stop seeing Ting.

Rest Your Head, Dry Your Eyes, Baby You'll Be Alright- Ryan Donn

I have so many things happen that I think are funny enough to blog about and I just don't muster the energy to log on and write. I don't like to write when I am not happy... and obviously, right now I am not too happy.

Again, I hate the fact that all my recent post have become heavy to some degree and are about love and those in it.

Ting- I don't want to like him but I do. I enjoy him a lot. He isn't even my type physically. He is chubby but we have good talks, we laugh, we dance, we have sex- I get my rocks off and he doesn't. That's a whole other post within itself. He told me it has happened with almost every girl he has been with so I don't take too much offense to it. I told him he should go get his rocks off with someone who could keep up with him.
He took offense to this.
I enjoy when he kisses my hand.
I enjoy the way he caresses me when we lay together.
I love the fact that he can't stop kissing me. He wants to kiss all the time.
I catch him starring at me every once in a while. It reminds me of when Fitness used to do that. Remember him?

He is a little sensitive to certain issues, just like any other person that is falling in like with someone. He is a great communicator and likes to talk shit out right then and there. I have been so emotionally out of it that I don't really have the energy to make strong statements. I say what I have to say and keep it moving.


Ex Fiance- I am at a loss with what to do with him. There is no denying that I love him. I love him. I am going to be completely honest with myself. I don't think it will work out because the effort in him is different. He still comes to see me, and we speak EVERY DAY. But we don't go out on dates. He comes over right after work to see me for two hours before he has to run home to let the dogs out.

I can't bash him completely. He does ask me for time but I'm usually at salsa class the days he wants to go out. Salsa is the only thing keeping me sane right now, but I guess I need to skip a few classes if I want to give things with him a fair shot?

He plans on making a career of the military. Me, an army wife?

I refuse to give up until I can say I truly tried this time around. He isn't doing anything wrong, he just hasn't done anything to sweep me off my feet. I am used to him sweeping me off my feet. I think he is at a point where he is trying to settle himself. It is only fair I give him his time to do that. When I needed my time he gave it to me. I ended up dating Fitness, but he gave it to me none the less.

I'm not ready to walk away from him just yet.

Something is not letting me. Not yet.

I still remember the day I met him :)

Trimming the Fat

New Year... Time to TRIM THE FAT! Scarf... remember him?

Well, after the trip I've hit him up out of courtesy, basic "hey, how are you doing? Did you make it safe?" type stuff and I would get very short answers like "Yes, I am fine. You'll get you're stuff next week".
Ummm... I didn't even ask for my things but thanks for letting me know when I will get them.

This goes on a few times...

New Years Day arrives. I decide to go on his FB wall and say Happy New Year. I search every name and he isn't on it. Just to double check before I die of laughter at what is going on I go to a mutual friends page and see that they are still friends. I click his name and surely he deleted me.

SERIOUSLY?!

My message to him titled UH OH LOL on FB reads:
seriously??? Scarf, I have no idea what was done for me to receive short answers- and to be removed from your FB.FB isn't a big deal... I just don't think that anything I've done has been that bad to the point for you to react this way.We are both adults... I don't mind that we don't continue a friendship, I'll get over it but thanks for the good talks. See you sometime next week.

His response (my side comments are in parenthesis):
IMWIR, I can't say its anything that you did or said. It more of a poor judgement choice on my part. Like I said, I didn't quite know why i found myself liking you so much. The more I thought about it, it probably came down to I just found you attractive and really had very little to go on from there (pfffffft). FB, i removed not only you, but quite a few others too. To me, FB should be for friends that I want to interact with and keep up with. I know I will be seeing you out at salsa venues and feel that is good enough for me. I know you don't mind continuing being friends, and sure getting over it is not a problem for you. The trip certainly opened my eyes to who I need to focus my time and energy on. You got a great trip out of it, you made some new friends. I know this whole thing is NOT a big deal to you, which is WHY i did not make any attempt, (until now) to explain or discuss it with you. I've felt for quite some time, that our friendship wasn't a "big deal." So, no hard feelings.

My response:
I'll keep this brief. My friendship with you was a big deal... What I couldn't deal with (and its not just with you, its with anyone at this point) was a relationship. I can respect everything you just said, thank you for even responding.
Hasta Luego,
In My World I Rock

For him to say that it was just a physical attraction and nothing else after all that shit he told me is Bull. I think it was just an ego blow (maybe) that he got shut down by someone he liked (twice, he fell for this girl in Vegas who wasn't feeling him like that either).

He knows how I feel about the Ex Fiance and knows that is the only person at the moment I am willing to get into anything serious until I meet someone who I am willing to take the chance on. He isn't it.

For a 40 year old man he sure has some childish tendencies. From the phone call about the guy kissing on my neck (which didn't happen), to then saying that he was just using that as a bridge to ask me what was up with us after he saw how bothered I got by this high school behavior, to kicking his charger because it wasn't working (Pang and I got some good laughs out of this one)... and a few other things Pang can attest to.

Honestly, after this trip and seeing what he is like, he is right- I don't think we should remain good friends... and I wasn't trying to be his best friend BUT to just completely wipe each other out of our lives like there was some wrong doing I think is a little excessive. But there is Scarf for ya.

Good Bye Oh Nine

I just read StarGazr's last post and oh shit did my heart go out to her. She had a boyfriend (who she also referred to as boo!) who found out about her blog and that was that (I am assuming, I don't know any details). I found myself nostalgic, and not in a good way. I got this flood of emotions, the heart ache, feeling of desperation when you are in love and it isn't going your way.

I remember my heartache with El Difunto is what drove me to therapy (and it worked). By the time I had my falling out with the Ex Fiance I had experienced heartache and just applied my therapy to that situation. It was still hard (and as you can see still am struggling).

I look forward to reading her future posts, whenever she is ready to return! (Everyone needs their time to heal).
------------------------------------------------
New Years Eve is upon us. Ahhh yes!

• Little slutty dress ::check::
• Manolo's ::check::
• Homies in tow ::check::
  

12 bad girls have confirmed, a few more might surprise us. The little sis is legal now, this New Years will be a good one. The Ex Fiance might come to the club with us, if not, Pang offered her services for the New Years kiss (she was my New Years kiss last year... It was a pleasant surprise lol, she caught me off guard).

In 2009 I:
-broke off my engagement
-celebrated my 25th birthday in Ireland
-got Lasik
-dated Fitness (remember him?)
-fell in love with salsa
-went to the beach almost every other day this summer
-didn't get into the academy TWICE
-haven't worked all year. Thank you unemployment.
-moved back to my parents house
-had to give away my dog because I^
-had a weird relationship (not sexual) with a 40 year old man (Scarf)
-went on a cross country road trip
-went to the Bahamas
-for the first time experienced sex against my will
-swam with dolphins and sea lions
-sky dived
-learned how much I really love the Ex Fiance
-hosted a fundraiser
-drank a lot more then I've wanted to (I don't usually drink this much, and honestly think I have a bad reaction to alcohol. My heart beats weird the day after)
-build a tolerance for Merlot
-dressed up for Halloween
-was the first girl a gay guy has ever been with

Here is to a better 2010! See you next year bloggers :)

Stern v. Free Spirit

Since I've been slacking on the blogging, I decided to blog randomly to make up for loss time.

You might not remember His Boys Girl...
(read about her in the highlighted link)

She's been very good to me ever since I met her. She had asked me how I was and I didn't answer, a few days later (yesterday) I sent her this email:

Hey His Boys Girl,

I know this email is RANDOM...I have some stuff on my mind. I've spoken to my girls about it but of coarse their opinion is going to be biased, even though they try to be as truthful as they can.

Obbbbvvvviioooussslllyyy this e-mail is about Fitness lol...I don't understand why I am having trouble with this. I know he and I cannot be together, our personalities don't mix. He is stern and serious, I am a free spirit and like to laugh- even at things that are serious... You have to find some humor in it (at least I do). In the end, this is the real reason behind all of our problems.

I felt I couldn't open my mouth without there being something wrong with what I said so eventually I stopped talking. That ended up being a problem as well. That's no way to live, when communication is fucked ITS FUCKED. Its weird because I'm not one to ever have a problem with communicating with someone. I actually pride myself in my ability to talk out a problem, maybe not at the exact moment but give me a few minutes and I'll be good.

I told him from the get that I wasn't ready for the downs that came with being with somebody. Usually I am a much stronger person when it comes to dealing with this but I knew I didn't give myself enough time. I've written and erased a few times looking for the right way to word this but I can't so here is a weak attempt: The thing I'm having a hard time dealing with isn't the fact that we aren't together. I understand the reasons why and the desire I had to work things out isn't there because I need to be with somebody who loves and accepts me... ALLLLL of me, and vice versa. I want to be able to grow and be able to make mistakes without being worried that I won't be forgiven if its not something major. Walking on eggshells isn't something I could get used to... But I won't deny that I loved him and it seems he is having a much easier time with this. For the most part I am okay until I get reminded...

Anyway, thanks for reading :), I hope your anniversary went well.

IMWIR

The Story Behind the Men Series: El Difunto

This probably should have been the first one to write about... But I wanted to take my time with this one.

When I was 15 my cousin Mother Theresa and I were going to go out with a friend ice skating. The third party flaked, Mother Theresa and I decided to go anyway. We had no idea where the rink was, we asked an MTA worker and they gave us 3 different locations. We still had no idea where we were going and ironically, while on the train, we see two girls with ice skates. NICE! We followed them without them knowing.

We end up in Wollman Rink in Central Park.

This day changed my life in many many ways.

Once there, we recognize nobody. We get our rentals and get our asses on the ice. There are these people called RINK RATS who know how to skate very well (my cousin and I were later to become known as one of these). The guys use this skill to pick up chicks. El difunto was one of the good skaters but he was very to himself.

I can't really remember too well but I noticed him looking at me a few times. During an ice break he was sitting near me and I was having trouble tying my skates tight. He heard me suck my teeth, or sigh, and asked me if I needed help.

... We skated together the rest of the night...

The next week I went again, and we shared our first kiss. I still remember exactly where on the ice it happened. (I ended up working at Wollman Rink for 6 years, I know that rink like the back of my hand).

El difunto became my boyfriend but I quickly ended it when he told me he loved me about a month after we started dating. I was about to turn 16 and it was too much for me at the time. He told me I would be his wife one day and that he will wait until I am ready. For the following YEARS we were on and off- but always talking even when we weren't dating.

At 23... We were hanging out, he was trying to teach me to drive stick shift and I looked to my right to express my frustrations and concerns and he had this look in his face that just melted my heart. I can't even describe it but I finally saw, next to me was a guy who LOVED me and would do a lot to make me happy... And obviously I enjoyed him.

I decided that day to give him my all.

I fell in love, like really in love but we had a lot of problems. I was still very much of a "free spirit" and he didn't like that, he was very jealous. I have a lot of guy friends and that bothered him, I like to dance a lot and that bothered him. My argument is, you have known me since I was 15... You know the way I am, why would you try to pursue a relationship with someone you KNOW is this way. His answer: because he loved me.

Four months after constant bickering about this things just kept getting worst.

I go to his house to try and work things out because he was being an ass hole, I didn't want to talk over the phone. He told me not to go, but I was FED UP... We needed to figure something out because we couldn't keep going the way we were.

I get to his house and things are weird. We start some fore play... And then have sex. As soon as he cums- he gets off and goes to the bathroom. He comes back with his boxers on, I am still naked on his bed and tells me it is over...

...WHILE I AM NAKED ON HIS BED...

I tell him there are only so many smacks to the face a person can take before they realize what's happening. This was my last slap to the face, no matter how in love I was.

I must admit, I played it off as well as I could for someone who had just gotten dumped while still naked after sex... Once I got home that's when the water works began. My mom was in the living room sitting on the couch, I laid my head on her lap and cried my eyes out. Pang walks in to find me puffy eyed, and red nosed from crying so much. As soon as she learns what happened she asks me if I want to go out for a drink. At this point anything to get my mind off of this shit will do. I get up and go.

We end up in Pizza Bar and I got retartidly drunk off of Martinis. I got home and had a one on one moment with the toilet. It was nice, I appreciate the toilet being there for me. Once I throw up I loose my ability to get up right away, so I laid down on the bathroom floor. My mom woke up (its like 4 a.m.) and brought crackers for me to eat on the bathroom floor. That's all I remember, that and my little sister taking pics of me and all I could manage to do from the bathroom floor was give her the finger with a smile on my face. GOOD TIMES eh?

The following weeks he turned into the biggest ass hole. I had left some brand new Coach sunglasses in his car, we scheduled to meet up and the mother fucker stood me up THREE TIMES. Then when I would try to reschedule for ME TO GET MY GLASSES BACK he would give me attitude like you wouldn't believe... That's when he decided to pick up the phone.

I needed to get rid of everything that reminded me of him. This break up was turning me into someone I wasn't: I was drinking (I hardly drink), I was bitter about seeing other couples, I was a lot more to myself. I noticed when my parents approached me about this two months after the break up. I decided enough is ENOUGH. Despite my short comings I was good to him and I didn't deserve this, and he wasn't worth my tears. I went to his house and left all the letters, birthday cards, valentines day cards, cute napkin notes that he had given me over the 7 years. I didn't personally give it to him, I put it in a yellow envelope and left it on his car windshield.

That was my step one to recovery.

Step two. GET HELP. People say it takes one month per year that you were together for you to get over the person/relationship. Fuck this, I wasn't going through this for another 5 months. I like instant results (its a problem I know) and I needed to speed this baby up! Hello Therapist!

Personally, that was the best thing I could have done. I walked out of that therapist office every Friday feeling better then ever.(by Tuesday I couldn't wait to go see her again)

He found out I was engaged and was not happy about that. He confessed that he had planned on proposing to me on Valentines day (9 months after he left me)... But found out I was engaged and then he realllllllly didn't want to know about me. I was suppose to be "his" wife. Pfffffffffft. NIGGUH PUHLEEZ. You don't want me to get started on my thoughts about this.

He has always been very immature in the way he goes about handling his anger. I've been asked a few times if I would go back.

I didn't know until recently.

He started to slowly talk to me again. In this, he showed me some people NEVER CHANGE.

The Story Behind the Men Series: The Ex Fiance

What's the story with the Ex Fiance?

I met the ex fiance 3 months after experiencing my first heart break at 23. When we met, I was still healing and he knew this. We had an instant connection, there was this innocence to him that I just loved.

We met August 10, 2007. We started dating August 23,2007 and were engaged November 23, 2007. Everything happened very quickly, too quickly. I knew I shouldn't have said yes, not because it was too soon, but because I was still healing from my previous relationship.

You know when some shit happens, the straw that breaks the camels back and you sit back and think... I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. The warning signs were there. But something kept me there... And that's what this blog is about.

I don't like to use the word never but the Ex Fiance NEVER told me no... Even when he knows he probably should have.
I can't say I only received flowers on special occasions. Even if it was just a single rose, I got flowers at least ever 3 days. No exaggeration.

The materialistic girl in me wants to mention he always bought me little things here and there :).

I came first and he would do anything to put a smile on my face, ironically that included lying... GO FIGURE.

He was always on my side, one thing that boy was to me was LOYAL. I never feared him cheating, even when we didn't have sex for two months... I didn't think it was because he was laying with someone else. Turns out I was right... I remember having this conversation with my cousin THAT GIRL. He was dealing with a lot of stress and guilt because of the lying he was doing that I didn't know about yet. He was also working two jobs and trying out law school.

He and I would have made some cute babies but that would have been all. He is a good guy, but a lot was lost. Trust isn't there. I stopped having as much fun with him because I was very angry at a lot of things.

Also, I grew up very close to my family and believe that when you marry the man, you marry the family. I dislike the way his father treated him. When we first got engaged we road tripped to Canada so that he and I could meet. Once there the man said he had a cold and didn't want to meet up, not even for a hello. He pulled the same stunt when I went up there a second time with my mother and friend.

I do not get along with his sister. Her and I have had our differences. Personally I think she isn't all there. She is like the best of both worlds, she could be the nicest and the bitchiest. My way of handling it: steer clear. I stood out of her way and she sometimes out of mine.

His mother and I have also had our exchange of words. A time in Atlantic City I cheated (it was a kiss) on him and the Ex Fiance went and TOLD HIS MOTHER. I might not be an expert on relationships but I do know certain things parents do not need to know. That being one of them. I had written an email to the mother apologizing for my actions and hurting her son. She responded with a very well written email explaining how my words have no value and she will believe I am sorry when I show it, and that I am a slut... She wrote it in a very educated way, which to me was even more insulting. I just found this to be a little hypocritical coming from a woman who is having an affair with a married man.

After the break up he and I have had our ups and downs (read here for an example). I can't really get mad at him though because when I went through dealing with the break up with El Difunto I did things I normally wouldn't do (like show up to his house unannounced to return all the letters he ever gave me- I left them on the windshield of his car). Its hard to watch him hurt and sometimes I truly believe I will never find someone like him but when you accept someone you have to accept them flaws and all. His flaws I'm not willing to put up with, atleast not right now.

You say Po-ta-toe, I say Po-ta-toh

The reason why I find this picture hilarious is because Facebook has almost gotten me in some shit. The ex fiance posted a picture of us kissing so that Fitness could see once. He was trying to fuck up my flow man! MOVING ON...

Today the ex fiance has asked to meet with me. He met me on my way to Dello Russo for my follow up appointment (read LASIK). What a mistake.

The first sign that this was going to be one of those: I took my phone out of my pocket and checked my messages.

Ex Fiance: so we are going to start with this again. You ignore me when you are with other people...

IMWIR: Ex Fiance please! Don't start...

After the appointment, on the crosstown bus back to the train... It starts. (FYI: he doesn't know Fitness and I are in a formal relationship). Ex Fiance begins with why I don't want to kiss him. I tell him we aren't together.

He brings up the cable bill (he took over paying the cable bill that is under my name and let the bill get up to $400) and how he is bothered that my mother keeps pushing me to call to make sure he has paid.

I tell him my mother is just looking out for my credit. Every week he says he paid and every week I get a phone call from time warner.
That turns into "your parents think I am an asshole, anything good I've done gets overshadowed by my mistakes".

IMWIR: you've made a lot of mistakes.

Ex Fiance: so have you.

IMWIR: ok, you have your opinions and I have mine. The past is the past, we can leave it there.

Ex Fiance: oh now you want to say the past is the past...

::tosses a bag to his left where I am sitting and it hits my face::

IMWIR: whatever EF... We are on a bus, we aren't together, we don't need to keep talking about this.

Ex Fiance: can I get my closure

IMWIR: sure

He tells me his ItalianMobFriend found Fitness already, to be ready for a world of hurt.
I do not respond to this.

He asks me if I love Fitness. I am NOT stupid, I know what this will turn into... I tell him ill talk about him and I. Not about Fitness and I.

He asked me if I have slept with Fitness. Not answering the question gave it away. I wasn't going to lie... I have slept with Fitness and IT IS AWESOME.

He tells me I could do way better then Fitness. I am still shut... I refuse to talk about this with him. He doesn't know Fitness and the reasons why I choose to dedicate my time to him. He is being bitter. I guess if I was in his shoes though so would I???

He asked me if it was about the money? And I told him that although he was a great provider I wouldn't put up with this for money... (We both lost a lot of money by not going through with the wedding)

He tells me he has broken his back for me and in the next relationship I am I need to be more understanding.

IMWIR: so when I'm constantly getting lied to I'm suppose to take it with a grain of salt?
Ex Fiance is getting pissed and tells me he wishes Fitness breaks my fucking heart so I can feel the pain that he is in. Whoever he ends up with next is going to be a lucky girl.

IMWIR: that's fucked up Ex Fiance. But its cool, I never wish any bad on you though. And yes you are right, whoever you end up with is a lucky girl.

Most of this conversation was him talking and me not responding.

He wishes Fitness can continue in his business with broken legs.

To this I chuckle.

He says he isn't kidding.

I tell him to tell ItalianMobFriend to look for me instead... If I was "cheating" it was my fault not Fitness.

He continues with his questions.I continue to not answer most, because I feel we have gone through this 20 times.

IMWIR: I am not going to keep doing this. This is mentally exhausting. Get what you need to say out and after this I'll go my way and you, please, go yours. Are you done?

This is where he turned it. Now it turned into the I love you so much, I hate myself for being in love with you stuff. Then he asked me if we can still sleep together.

Que BUZZER NOISE.

He waits for the train with me and keeps asking me for a kiss and tells me he is sorry and he loves me. At this point I will give everything I have for the train to come, I just want to get out of this situation.

He hits me up when I get back home like if this didn't just happen. I speak with Fitness and I am really contemplating changing my number.

Just so you guys see this up and down... I sent him a text reiterating that maybe we should just cut contact for a while, seeing and speaking to him is doing nothing good for me and obviously he cannot handle seeing me as just a friend. I wished him happiness and no more heartache.

Ex Fiance: I was being immature IMWIR. I understand about moving on. I do. But I have it in me to do so as your friend and it doesn't have to mean seeing less of you. My heartache is something I can cope with. IMWIR- you are still my best friend. IMWIR- you are a huge part of the person I am. And I want to see you quite a bit before my ship date, please.

(Oh did I forget to mention he said he is joining the army now? )... I will believe it when I see it, he says his ship date is in two weeks. The only reason I have a hard time believing this is because he just started a VERY good job (if it was about the money I would have stayed with him now that he is currently making over 150k).

Meet the Friends

I know, I've been M.I.A.

My apologies... not that anyone reads this anyway lol.

A lot has been going on in my life.

The ex fiance and I are officially not together- after months of me wanting out and him thinking we could make it work. It took another person to come into the picture sadly for this to happen.

I love him but right now that relationship I had with him was not right. I am very happy with myself for sticking to my guns and not going back at moments of weakness.

The past two days have been rough. Besides moving out of the apartment he and I had (we moved out alone- my back is killing me from lifting heavy stuff)- he has been having a hard time with what has been going on with us and he has these eyes that break me. I can't look at him when he is hurting without needing to comfort him. DAMN THOSE EYES.

I have been spending time with Fitness and enjoying his company... A LOT.

My friends are my world and without the words of encouragement from my girls (I fucking love my girls- they are the best) I probably would have had an extreme hard time with what has been going on.

Prime example of my girls being the best:

Fitness friends bday at a bar/lounge in LES. He had mentioned his friends wanted to meet me, cool- I'm there. All I need is a partner in crime- I wasn't going alone. Ofcoarse I invited ALL 3 of my girls but two couldn't make. The one who could make it we will call her Mother Theresa. Mother Theresa and I don't have vehicles but this is NYC so we fuck it and train it there. I walk up to the door and the door man let's me know that the party I am looking for has a room in the back. As I step foot in the door I receive a text from Fitness "are you coming?" (I told him I was not going if I didn't find anyone to go with). I put my phone back in my pocket because- well... I was already there.

I walk into the back room and see NOBODY I recognize.

I look at Mother Theresa.

I turn to walk out.

I get pulled back.

I turn around to see who it is. I don't recognize her.

Girl I don't recognize: "::yells my name::"

I smile.

Girl I don't recognize: "Hey, it's me _______ (Fitness friend). Where is Fitness?"

Me: "Oh I don't know, I thought he was here already"

Girl I don't recognize: "Oh we thought he was coming with you. Hey everyone, look ::says my name:: is here!"

Everyone greets me with some excitement. In my head I think "oh crap, am I suppose to know these people?"

One girl confesses that she has been Facebook stalking me, they've all been dying to meet me.

Mother Theresa is in full alert for the sign of help we have. Thanks Mother Theresa.



Fast Forward > > > > >



We are all on the dancefloor. Fitness has already arrived- he thought I wasn't going since I didn't respond so he took his time getting ready. Someone burps up that salami stench. We all make that face, but we are at a lounge, it is to be expected.

His Boys Girl "oh man, and I know that smell must really bother you since you are a vegeterian"

Mother Theresa "IMWIR (in my world I rock), you know her?"

Me: "NOPE"

These people know more about me then I thought, it's flattering that he talks about me enough that they know these details.



Fast Forward > > > > >



All on the dance floor again... Standing in this order.

His Boys Girl, Fitness, Mother Theresa, Me.

His Boys Girl goes to Fitness "I want to talk to IMWIR, do you think she would mind if I ask her to accompany me while I go out for a smoke? I know she doesn't like it"

Mother Theresa is ON IT like a true girl. I love her.

She turns to me: "Yo IMWIR, she wants to talk to you and she is about to ask you to go outside"

Surely... this happened. I wasn't going to say no. Out without a jacket I went (yes, it was cold).

I can't type the conversation word for word... but the point was, they didn't like his ex, she was crazy- I give everyone a good vibe, he really likes me and she hopes that I stick around and she sees more of me. He is a good guy and doesn't deserve to get hurt.

She gave me the talk.

Back inside.

Older Sister is in the area and is giving Mother Theresa a ride home. I stayed behind to hang out with Fitness- I was having fun with him.

Another friend of his- who knows someone I know (this can be good and bad)- we will call her Mutual comes with me to sit down in the back room. I was complaining about my feet and her feet hurt as well, the shit we go through to look cute...

Mutual talks to me about Fitness- all great things (he is every ones favorite friend from their group, she tells her boyfriend sometimes he needs to be like Fitness, his ex took advantage of his kindness, nobody wants to see him get hurt- I seem to make him smile... they were all dying to meet me and are happy that I am normal). Then she mentions a mutual friend her and I have told her I was engaged.

I get that dry throat. I swallow hard.

I don't think it is any of their business yet but my past is my past and it is a part of me. I simply say "Yes I was, and it just didn't work out so we cancelled the wedding". She is satisfied with that answer I guess because she also leaves it at that. Then she asks what is up with Fitness and I, if we are together.

I think to myself "is this a trick question?". How do I answer this? Shouldn't she be asking Fitness this instead? I tell her we are getting to know each other, and smile. Fitness walks in at this point. The conversation ends there.

Despite the unexpected talks- I had a great night, his friends were fun.



As for El Difunto... I haven't heard from him... and I don't mind it. If he calls he calls- if he doesn't he doesn't.

I have a feeling I am going to hear from him on a very random day.

Bad Habbits Die Hard

Do you remember when El Difunto dumped me... While still naked on his bed after sex?

Do you remember that same night how I SOBBED on my mothers lap?

Or how OS (older sister) walked in and saw me puffy eyed and recommended we go out for a drink?

I remember going to Pizza Bar in the meat packing district, getting hammered off of their margaritas- taking one of my favorite pictures ever, of me smiling after a good cry... And you could tell.

I remember getting home- throwing up in the bathroom... And eating crackers on the bathroom floor.

I also remember waking up the next morning and thinking this horrible feeling I felt was a hangover... until the pain in my heart, the disbelief, and the desperation didn't go away... Not that day, or the day after, or the week after.

Time for HISTORY 101:

El Difunto- my ex boyfriend.We met when I was 15 at the iceskating rink.

At 16 we started dating. He was very serious and in love... To the point where it got too serious for me, I WAS ONLY 16.

I decided to end the relationship.

He always told me that when I was ready to just give him the word because he knew I was the one he wanted for the rest of his life (can you see why I was scared?!)

We dated on and off- but spoke all the time, we became good friends.

At 23 I decided I was ready.

We started dating.

He was a jealous guy.

4 months later he dumped me without explanation.

I experience my first heart ache.

I later find out he was scared.

He was getting a new apartment- making moves with his job... And he thought the next move was to move me in... (Please keep in mind I was NEVER the one to talk about moving in together or marriage).

So he ran (left me).

Coward.

Moving on...

A few days ago I get an email from Twitter "El Difunto wants you to follow him on twitter"

::Scratch my head::

This guy goes to great lengths to NOT be my friend.

Yet I get numerous emails that he wants me to follow him on twitter.

For some bizzar reason I decide to probe a little more and send him a text that reads: "Hey, I just got a few e-mails from twitter... I don't know if you sent those by mistake".

Don't ask me why I did this.

He replies that he sent it to everyone on his email list on his phone.

This was enough to spark the same conversation we have had twenty times.

He will always love me, I am the only girl for him, no girl has or ever will compare to me.

I tell him I care about him a lot, I never stopped and I always will but we had our differences and for some reason he decided to leave when he had me.

He says he was stupid.

I agree.

This goes on for like an hour.

Then he asked me if he can ask me out on a date.

I said yes.