It Hit Me In Wholefoods

I did it.

I had the talk with the ex fiance.

I had a talk with my mom and she suggested if I wanted to do it, to just do it. She knew in my heart I was never going to find the moment I was looking for because I still loved him.


The next time he called I just did it.


I told him I didn't want to keep strumming him along in something in my heart I didn't think was going to work. Love isn't enough, and we differ in the way we like to spend our time. At the moment it might not seem like a big deal but I like to vacation, and go away on weekends, go try different things, dance. I won't say he doesn't ever try. The few times he does plans never go through. He lives a "wing it" life and is satisfied with being a homebody. In the long run, its going to catch up to us- it already has some what.


The first three years of a relationship are suppose to be the best and with him I have gone through some hardships people married for ten years haven't gone through.


His family gives me anxiety. I can't deal with it. I don't know how to be with a family I don't get along with.

Love isn't enough.

I didn't tell him about Ting. I didn't want him to think Ting was the reason why.


He was upset at first and told me he wasn't going to fight me on this.


That changed two hours later. He said it wasn't fair and he was not going to take this lying down. He loves me and it isn't fair for me to say my peice and walk away. Then he tried to guilt trip me and say the stuff depressed guys say when they loose their woman.


He said he had big things planned for us this week. I had a feeling he was just saying that because of what was going on.


I am okay when he isn't telling me these things. Well, I am better then expected.


I am trying to stick to my guns and follow the advice I give other people.


Then it happened. Yesterday I went to the supermarket. Ting was suppose to come with me but he got stuck at work so I went ahead and he picked me up; The ex fiance and I always had a good time doing our groceries. I was walking down the isles by myself and it hit me. I started to tear.


My handsome ex-fiance, I will miss you but I need to be greedy and do what is right for me.

Trimming the Fat

New Year... Time to TRIM THE FAT! Scarf... remember him?

Well, after the trip I've hit him up out of courtesy, basic "hey, how are you doing? Did you make it safe?" type stuff and I would get very short answers like "Yes, I am fine. You'll get you're stuff next week".
Ummm... I didn't even ask for my things but thanks for letting me know when I will get them.

This goes on a few times...

New Years Day arrives. I decide to go on his FB wall and say Happy New Year. I search every name and he isn't on it. Just to double check before I die of laughter at what is going on I go to a mutual friends page and see that they are still friends. I click his name and surely he deleted me.

SERIOUSLY?!

My message to him titled UH OH LOL on FB reads:
seriously??? Scarf, I have no idea what was done for me to receive short answers- and to be removed from your FB.FB isn't a big deal... I just don't think that anything I've done has been that bad to the point for you to react this way.We are both adults... I don't mind that we don't continue a friendship, I'll get over it but thanks for the good talks. See you sometime next week.

His response (my side comments are in parenthesis):
IMWIR, I can't say its anything that you did or said. It more of a poor judgement choice on my part. Like I said, I didn't quite know why i found myself liking you so much. The more I thought about it, it probably came down to I just found you attractive and really had very little to go on from there (pfffffft). FB, i removed not only you, but quite a few others too. To me, FB should be for friends that I want to interact with and keep up with. I know I will be seeing you out at salsa venues and feel that is good enough for me. I know you don't mind continuing being friends, and sure getting over it is not a problem for you. The trip certainly opened my eyes to who I need to focus my time and energy on. You got a great trip out of it, you made some new friends. I know this whole thing is NOT a big deal to you, which is WHY i did not make any attempt, (until now) to explain or discuss it with you. I've felt for quite some time, that our friendship wasn't a "big deal." So, no hard feelings.

My response:
I'll keep this brief. My friendship with you was a big deal... What I couldn't deal with (and its not just with you, its with anyone at this point) was a relationship. I can respect everything you just said, thank you for even responding.
Hasta Luego,
In My World I Rock

For him to say that it was just a physical attraction and nothing else after all that shit he told me is Bull. I think it was just an ego blow (maybe) that he got shut down by someone he liked (twice, he fell for this girl in Vegas who wasn't feeling him like that either).

He knows how I feel about the Ex Fiance and knows that is the only person at the moment I am willing to get into anything serious until I meet someone who I am willing to take the chance on. He isn't it.

For a 40 year old man he sure has some childish tendencies. From the phone call about the guy kissing on my neck (which didn't happen), to then saying that he was just using that as a bridge to ask me what was up with us after he saw how bothered I got by this high school behavior, to kicking his charger because it wasn't working (Pang and I got some good laughs out of this one)... and a few other things Pang can attest to.

Honestly, after this trip and seeing what he is like, he is right- I don't think we should remain good friends... and I wasn't trying to be his best friend BUT to just completely wipe each other out of our lives like there was some wrong doing I think is a little excessive. But there is Scarf for ya.

Duty Calls

When Fitness and I broke up I found myself talking to the Ex Fiance about it and he was surprisingly very supportive. I have never told him Fitness and I were an item but he wasn't stupid, it was unspoken knowledge.

When I told him Fitness said I was unstable he said "you aren't unstable, you are just delicate. It takes a special kind of guy to be with you IMWIR and that guy is ME!" I bursted into tears. Until this very moment I did not realize how dependant I was. Even through our break up, and me being with Fitness I still spoke to the Ex Fiance every other day about nothing, or something.

It's reminds me of the break dancer, I know I could always count on him to tell me the truth without being harsh- and laugh about the situation if need be.

I've been asked many times- especially by Fitness... WHY do I still keep in touch with the Ex Fiance.

Despite his downfalls, and the cause of the end of our relationship I was going to marry him for a reason. He will always be a friend of mine.

The Ex Fiance left to the Army on Sunday, the last two days before he left we made time to see each other and it was so easy to just sit and eat with him.

Saying good bye to him was hard. I cried, a few times while with him... I cried after seeing him... Even now, when I am alone I'll cry. I miss him. I guess you really don't know what you have until it is gone. I can no longer call him at random times when I am bored.

The break dancer tells me he thinks it is loneliness. The fact that Fitness and I are no longer together and then the Ex Fiance leaves. I do think that might play a part in why I am so sensitive BUT I don't think I would have missed him any less.

I've never really been good at good-bye's anyway.