I Peed On The Stick

I've been a little unfair with my lack of details with certain things. Let me rewind to last posts pregnancy.

I had been having pre menstrual cramps like usual, so i didn't think anything was up. Until a few days later I had noticed my sleep was ALL OFF. I was having weird dreams and just a hard time sleeping period. I NEVER have had this problem. My body was fatigued (I thought it was because of the sleep). I was taking naps during the day because I just couldn't stay awake.

Then I thought I am still having these cramps but where the fuck is my period?
Mothers day was around the corner, I was going to Michaels to buy my mom her gift. On my way to the train station I stopped by Rite Aid and picked up the most idiot proof pregnancy test available. One with words.

I get out the train station and see a Whole Foods I have shopped at before. I was about to pee my pants in the train so I ran straight to the bathroom.

I peed on the stick.

I calmly waited because I didn't think I was pregnant. I was just taking it to put my mind at ease.

And then...

Oh Holy Shit.

I had a panic attack in the bathroom stall. I didn't know what to do with myself. I almost shitted my heart out. I was hyper ventilating.

I pulled myself together enough to walk out of the bathroom. Once outside I called my mother crying.

"MA! I'm pregnant" :*(

The woman was happy! She has been dying to become a grandmother. She told me this is nothing to cry about, everything is going to be okay, and to go home.

I called Ting- to tell him I was pregnant and that I had already called to make an appointment to terminate the pregnancy. He was upset that I didn't talk to him about it before making this decision. I understood where he was coming from but in reality we had only been dating for a little while and I am in no place in life to have a baby. I don't have a job and I live at home with my mother. He was actually considering keeping it! After some real talk he said he supports whatever I decide to do. He knows we shouldn't keep it, he isn't ready for a baby either (he is only 24. Yes, I am a cougar).

He was super supportive throughout out the entire process. I had morning sickness and he did great with that. He came with me to the procedure and wanted to take care of me after.

Like I mentioned before, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't think I would feel so relieved after.

So kiddies: I am living proof that PULLING OUT DOES NOT WORK.

Potent sperm is potent sperm.

I didn't use birth control consistently because I would get sick. My doctor recommended Nuva Ring and I haven't felt nausea at all. Nice!

On to the next topic. In my relationship with the Ex Fiance he loved more then I did. A lot more then I did. Ting is adamant about being with someone who loves him just as much or close to. He says 60/40 is the most if he had to put it in numbers but 70/30 is unbalanced and there is no way that relationship could be a healthy one.
Opinions?

I know I Am An Adult When I Am Making These Types Of Decisions...

Bloggers! Long time no see...

It's been over a month. I am sorry. Well, lots been going on! Where shall I begin. Right, well... this happened...

Yeap.

It was Tings.

You read right. WAS. I didn't keep it. It was a mutual decision. It is for the best, he and I aren't ready for that yet, it wasn't the right time for US. I had the support of a lot of people and felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders when the procedure was over. I know I did the right thing.
^ADULT DECISION 1^

HELLO NUVA RING!

Staying on the subject of Ting, I am in trouble. My feelings for him are just growing stronger and stronger. I am happy to have him as a friend and more. It hasn't been peaches and cream this entire time (obviously, see above lol). We've gotten through everything together and have kept GREAT COMMUNICATION through it all.

The ex-fiance. Oh man I just had a hard talk with him yesterday. I had to let him know that I had to let go for real. I know he and I aren't going to work, atleast not right now. He had his chance to slide back in when he came back from boot camp and he didn't take it. It is time for me to be fair to someone else. The ex-fiance still had hope for us and would guilt trip me for not answering his calls. It hurt, but it needed to be done. I am going to miss him.
^ADULT DECISION 2^

The NYPD called me. I don't want to jinx it so all I will say is there is a high chance of a large class going in July. This might be my turn. ::FINGERS CROSSED::


Ting has to go to Vegas for a week for work. He bought me my flight so we could spend some time together assuming I will be getting into the July academy. I didn't think I would look forward to spending an entire week alone with someone like this. I bought a few sexy little things to thank him ;o)... I'll let you know how it goes.
 
FYI I am almost up to my 100th blog and I don't know what to do with that lol.

Pulling at My Heart Strings

The Ex Fiance is in Vegas this week. His first real vacation.

We were engaged, he knew me and knew I loved vacationing. Any time I mentioned a vacation it wasn't anything of interest to him. To him, it was just another way to spend money. I guess looking at it from his perspective, someone whose never had a good vacation I can see why his excitement at the word vacation was lacking.
He's been good with the calling all the time... but when he does call the phone call does not go without an I love you, or an I miss you, or just a positive attitude that we can and will make things work at some point. That breaks my heart, he is so hopeful and patient with me. I tell him I am not ready to be with you. My fault for not telling him the truth about Ting.
Today he called to say hello and let me know he was still alive in Vegas and that he is having a good time.
"Boo, I am sorry. I want to take a vacation with you, this summer if possible. I can't stop thinking about you."
He is finally getting it... A year too late :*(

Update... I've been M.I.A.

Hey all,

I know. I've been M.I.A. I've been busy with Ting and as of last week, trying to get over oral surgery I had. Leave it to me to have the "what could go wrong" go wrong. I ended up getting a fat cheek, which in reality was a blood clot. I had to take medication to help the swelling, and once that went down I had bruising near my lip and a black eye. Great week.

The ex-fiance: I am happy and at peace with the decision I have made. I knew for a while he wasn't the man I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with. I loved him but it shouldn't have been so hard. It was a little difficult at first but it was all habitual. The habit broke and I am okay.

Ting: things are going great. I appreciate him. We are together and having fun with each other, learning along the way.

With that said, I close that chapter of my blog off. I might shut down the blog completely but I am doing things right by Ting this time and will not be posting anything about my relationship on a blog. I hold the special moments close to me and that's where I will keep them.

It Hit Me In Wholefoods

I did it.

I had the talk with the ex fiance.

I had a talk with my mom and she suggested if I wanted to do it, to just do it. She knew in my heart I was never going to find the moment I was looking for because I still loved him.


The next time he called I just did it.


I told him I didn't want to keep strumming him along in something in my heart I didn't think was going to work. Love isn't enough, and we differ in the way we like to spend our time. At the moment it might not seem like a big deal but I like to vacation, and go away on weekends, go try different things, dance. I won't say he doesn't ever try. The few times he does plans never go through. He lives a "wing it" life and is satisfied with being a homebody. In the long run, its going to catch up to us- it already has some what.


The first three years of a relationship are suppose to be the best and with him I have gone through some hardships people married for ten years haven't gone through.


His family gives me anxiety. I can't deal with it. I don't know how to be with a family I don't get along with.

Love isn't enough.

I didn't tell him about Ting. I didn't want him to think Ting was the reason why.


He was upset at first and told me he wasn't going to fight me on this.


That changed two hours later. He said it wasn't fair and he was not going to take this lying down. He loves me and it isn't fair for me to say my peice and walk away. Then he tried to guilt trip me and say the stuff depressed guys say when they loose their woman.


He said he had big things planned for us this week. I had a feeling he was just saying that because of what was going on.


I am okay when he isn't telling me these things. Well, I am better then expected.


I am trying to stick to my guns and follow the advice I give other people.


Then it happened. Yesterday I went to the supermarket. Ting was suppose to come with me but he got stuck at work so I went ahead and he picked me up; The ex fiance and I always had a good time doing our groceries. I was walking down the isles by myself and it hit me. I started to tear.


My handsome ex-fiance, I will miss you but I need to be greedy and do what is right for me.

Someone Elses Turn

Oh lord, what an eventful weekend.
Ting and I went to Philadelphia for the Philly Salsa Jam. We spent the weekend at his friends house and I, ladies and gentlemen... had an experience.
I arrived before Ting did, I have a cousin in Philly and wanted to spend some time with him and see his apartment. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I left with Ting because we had an action packed weekend, so I opted to leave a little earlier and have Ting pick me up when he arrived at night.

I arrived, walked the city with my cousin, went to his place- and I got HOMESICK! WTF I had only been there for six hours and I was homesick. It usually happens if I am not being kept occupied, which was the case (my cousin is a very mellow dude, and his live in girlfriend is even more). Ting arrives and I had never been happier to see him. My homesickness had gone away.

Weird.

Moving on.

We went out to party that night. The next day we went to tour the city on the Ride the Duck tour, had lunch with his friends, saw the liberty bell, went out to dinner, went salsa dancing, and the next morning he surprised me with a trip to the aquarium! (He had remembered in conversation that I love the aquarium and anytime I am in a new city I try to visit their aquarium).

He was amazing.
And then it happened.

He asked me to be his girlfriend.

Sounds great, especially since I like the guy and I said YES... right?

I wouldn't ask the question if the answer wasn't no. So NO. What's the problem you ask? THE EX FIANCE.

He told me once, while arguing about something that had nothing to do with this (I had asked him "what were you thinking with?")  "I was thinking with my heart, if I thought with my head In My World I ROCK I wouldn't have asked you to marry me".
It hurt like all hell to hear that, funny enough now I am having to think with this mentality.

It is no secret that the ex fiance is something I have been battling with for a few weeks.

My heart loves him but my head is almost positive that there are so many things that are missing. Love is powerful, but it is not enough to make a successful relationship work.
I don't plan on telling him that I am seeing someone else, but I need to break the news to him that I need to stop thinking we will work. Or stop seeing Ting.

Rest Your Head, Dry Your Eyes, Baby You'll Be Alright- Ryan Donn

I have so many things happen that I think are funny enough to blog about and I just don't muster the energy to log on and write. I don't like to write when I am not happy... and obviously, right now I am not too happy.

Again, I hate the fact that all my recent post have become heavy to some degree and are about love and those in it.

Ting- I don't want to like him but I do. I enjoy him a lot. He isn't even my type physically. He is chubby but we have good talks, we laugh, we dance, we have sex- I get my rocks off and he doesn't. That's a whole other post within itself. He told me it has happened with almost every girl he has been with so I don't take too much offense to it. I told him he should go get his rocks off with someone who could keep up with him.
He took offense to this.
I enjoy when he kisses my hand.
I enjoy the way he caresses me when we lay together.
I love the fact that he can't stop kissing me. He wants to kiss all the time.
I catch him starring at me every once in a while. It reminds me of when Fitness used to do that. Remember him?

He is a little sensitive to certain issues, just like any other person that is falling in like with someone. He is a great communicator and likes to talk shit out right then and there. I have been so emotionally out of it that I don't really have the energy to make strong statements. I say what I have to say and keep it moving.


Ex Fiance- I am at a loss with what to do with him. There is no denying that I love him. I love him. I am going to be completely honest with myself. I don't think it will work out because the effort in him is different. He still comes to see me, and we speak EVERY DAY. But we don't go out on dates. He comes over right after work to see me for two hours before he has to run home to let the dogs out.

I can't bash him completely. He does ask me for time but I'm usually at salsa class the days he wants to go out. Salsa is the only thing keeping me sane right now, but I guess I need to skip a few classes if I want to give things with him a fair shot?

He plans on making a career of the military. Me, an army wife?

I refuse to give up until I can say I truly tried this time around. He isn't doing anything wrong, he just hasn't done anything to sweep me off my feet. I am used to him sweeping me off my feet. I think he is at a point where he is trying to settle himself. It is only fair I give him his time to do that. When I needed my time he gave it to me. I ended up dating Fitness, but he gave it to me none the less.

I'm not ready to walk away from him just yet.

Something is not letting me. Not yet.

I still remember the day I met him :)

Let Nature Take It's Course?

Hello Blog Followers. I've been slacking on my blogging... I've had things happen, random ones, that I think would make good blogs but the inspiration just isn't there. I think I am caught in a funk. I really am not a fan that most of my blogs are about my experiences with males, but it is what it is. I try not to blog about the ex fiance. He is such a big part of my life it is hard not to.

I might not even post this blog. There are so many things I want to tell him but I feel the right thing to do right now is to just sit back, despite my emotions. Sometimes you need to let things unfold on their own.

He's asked me for time and I have given it to him. I love him, there is no denying that. What am I suppose to do when I have this little part of me inside telling my something is not right. Usually I would fight it, say something, react- DO SOMETHING. But I am tired.

I don't tell him anything anymore. He see's this.

He tells me before he loved me but didn't love himself. He is finally at a place where is content with himself and is learning. He has never been in a place where he has been comfortable in his own skin- inside and out. He is learning to love himself, and love me at the same time.

There is so much I want to say but I don't tell him anything anymore. I know he needs his time, and I am letting him do things his way. I love him and I cherish the genuine friend that he is to me. They say people don't change, I think some people do change once they hit rock bottom. He hit rock bottom last year, or something close to it. I do think he changed for the better, for the better hasn't caused me much happiness with him. What does that tell me?


____ I love you but I don't know what to do. You tell me this is going to work, I'm trying to stay positive but so many things have changed and I wonder is it really time that I let go.

On a Different Page ... and Photo Shopped

Some one please sign me up for Tool Academy.

I try not to blog about the ex fiance- but in a nut shell....

• I still love him very much.
• We see each other about once a week.
• We haven't had sex, he hasn't tried.
• We are "doing things right" according to him and taking things slow.

He has a point, and I was the one who introduced the idea of taking things slow- but I feel we are going very slow... and that's cool, but I have self diagnosed myself with a mild form of ADD and slow things bore me.

He knows, I've been honest with my feelings about this. I refuse to nag though, I nagged when he first got here and it didn't work in my favor so I let him be... I love him but I can't fight him anymore. Time will tell.

In turn, someone else has been keeping me busy. He is a dancer... his blog name will be Ting.

Of coarse, just like almost anyone I start hanging out with, Ting was something casual. Then it became sexual. Now he is feeling this. He throws comments out there that make it obvious that he wants this to go somewhere. He knows some details about the ex fiance but I have opted to try and not talk about it.

Two men, I always get caught up in some shit like this. I am enjoying Ting a little more then I care to (no, don't worry... I am not sprung lol).

On a lighter note... I have been asked to join a bachata recital team, and will join a salsa one next month so you might be hearing a lot less from me since all I will be doing in dancing.

Oh, enter the perfect opportunity for AN EXAMPLE. Speaking of dancing, here is something Ting would say:

IMWIR: I have a feeling dancing will get in the way of my next relationship.

Ting: Why

IMWIR: I am enjoying it a lot, and don't think I will stop until I am satisfied with where I am with it. I have already chosen dancing over many things (I did not mention I have chosen going to salsa class over hanging out with the ex fiance... I kept it as broad as possible).

Ting: Well, maybe you will meet a guy who can share the passion of dancing with you (and then he gives me the stare with the smile... FYI: he is a performer).

Now for what I really wanted to blog...

I'VE BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED!

I got called in for a photo shoot earlier this week... I took a few pics in some dresses and final shots were taken in a bikini.

While I was getting dressed the photographer played around with some of the pictures and calls me over to show me one.

Its one of me in the bikini.

IMWIR: WOW! This looks great!

Photographer: Yeah, I worked on it a little, look at the original ::opens up the original picture::

This is where I almost passed out.

I have never in my adult life been self conscious about my body, until I saw the before and after pictures.

I HAVE BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED, it was my first time seeing this and I hate it. Now, I know people get photo shopped for magazines, I don't think all those models really look like that but sweet jeezus- it's different when you look at yourself.

I swore off food, and then I got hungry two hours later- that plan went out the window quick.

Scattered Thoughts, Nothing Important...

... So don't get excited.

Whats up guys?

How is everyone? Good, yeah, that's nice.

I actually have nothing to blog about so I am blog free styling. I felt I hadn't blogged in a week, and you guys might be worried. I just wanted to let you guys know that I am alive and well, for the most part.

It is my cousins birthday today- she knows who she is- HAPPY BIRTHDAY COUSIN!

My birthday is in two days and I am very excited about seeing every one at my birthday dinner on Tuesday and partying with them on Saturday.

I know I said I wouldn't blog about my relationship with the ex-fiance, and I really haven't been. I just wanted to update everyone though (since most who read this will be at the dinner on Tuesday)......

I've been enjoying the company of other men- non sexual as of yet (no the ex fiance and I STILL haven't had sex... please, spare me the comments- I KNOW). I've had a good time with the guys but there is something the ex fiance and I have that I adore. I love him.

We are not officially together yet. He hasn't asked. It's coming soon though, I feel it lol. When it does happen I will def be letting you guys know.

Out of respect for my relationship with him I WILL LEAVE THAT AT THAT.

Moving on. You guys have to read Simply T's blog. That girl CRACKS ME UP!

I have a lot to write about but everything I want to say is other people's business... lol... I'll let them post THEIR OWN business.

I have decided in March to start doing temp work in hopes to start the saving process so that in 2 years I can have enough to buy a place since I live rent free. The NYPD better effin call me in July. I am seriously running out of patience with these people (I don't really have a choice though do I?)

My sister Pang just bought a condo. I will miss living with her, and borrowing her belts. As she moves out, the little one will be moving in. She can be a handful though lol. She is a sassy little one. I wonder where she gets it from? ::slowly looking away::

GOOD NEWS: I am buying tickets to go see Chelsea Handler perform at Radio City in May. WOO HOO!

Second Date: Keep it Proper

I've been a little M.I.A.

Sorry blog followers.

Last I said- the guy (we need to give him a blog name, suggestions please) wanted to hang out again. What I had failed to mention was that he had asked me if I wanted to go over to his place and he make me dinner.

Obviously we all know what that means. Then I thought about it, not only is this the second time I would be seeing this guy but he knows my way too proper dad's side of the family. This was not going to be a good look.

Luckily he brought it up before I had a chance to, he said maybe later on... but for this weekend he would come into the city and hang out. Maybe go to a comedy club or something. Cool, I am down with that.

I almost felt guilty about hanging out with him, you know, because of the ex fiance. I love the ex fiance, a lot. He really is my best friend but the guy needs to step his game up. When you are in a relationship you have to accept all that comes with that person. The ex fiance is not aggressive, in all this time he has not tried to sleep with me. EXACTLY. He has been here since December and not once has he tried. I am pretty sure we all have our opinions about this one...

I know that being with him I will never have a surprise vacation- or a vacation period, the guy is the worst at planning ANYTHING. Even a date (well a complicated one, he can plan buying movie tickets... we did go to the sex museum once, but it was a wing it date). Just not his thing. I guess I am okay with being the one to plan everything. That doesn't really bother me that much.

Technically speaking, I am single. I will date freely until that status changes.

Next topic.

I saw the movie UP last night.

WHAT THE FUCK... That movie made me want to cut my veins within the first 15 minutes. Shit that movie was sad (but those characters were funny). I think that is the first Disney movie where they displayed blood like that. Was this movie really meant for kids to watch?

Good Bye Oh Nine

I just read StarGazr's last post and oh shit did my heart go out to her. She had a boyfriend (who she also referred to as boo!) who found out about her blog and that was that (I am assuming, I don't know any details). I found myself nostalgic, and not in a good way. I got this flood of emotions, the heart ache, feeling of desperation when you are in love and it isn't going your way.

I remember my heartache with El Difunto is what drove me to therapy (and it worked). By the time I had my falling out with the Ex Fiance I had experienced heartache and just applied my therapy to that situation. It was still hard (and as you can see still am struggling).

I look forward to reading her future posts, whenever she is ready to return! (Everyone needs their time to heal).
------------------------------------------------
New Years Eve is upon us. Ahhh yes!

• Little slutty dress ::check::
• Manolo's ::check::
• Homies in tow ::check::
  

12 bad girls have confirmed, a few more might surprise us. The little sis is legal now, this New Years will be a good one. The Ex Fiance might come to the club with us, if not, Pang offered her services for the New Years kiss (she was my New Years kiss last year... It was a pleasant surprise lol, she caught me off guard).

In 2009 I:
-broke off my engagement
-celebrated my 25th birthday in Ireland
-got Lasik
-dated Fitness (remember him?)
-fell in love with salsa
-went to the beach almost every other day this summer
-didn't get into the academy TWICE
-haven't worked all year. Thank you unemployment.
-moved back to my parents house
-had to give away my dog because I^
-had a weird relationship (not sexual) with a 40 year old man (Scarf)
-went on a cross country road trip
-went to the Bahamas
-for the first time experienced sex against my will
-swam with dolphins and sea lions
-sky dived
-learned how much I really love the Ex Fiance
-hosted a fundraiser
-drank a lot more then I've wanted to (I don't usually drink this much, and honestly think I have a bad reaction to alcohol. My heart beats weird the day after)
-build a tolerance for Merlot
-dressed up for Halloween
-was the first girl a gay guy has ever been with

Here is to a better 2010! See you next year bloggers :)

Where the Heart Is... Doesn't Exist. So I Relaxed.

Before you read: The Ex Fiance and I call each other boo... it's an inside joke.
The Ex Fiance has been back for a few days... I would say it's been a roller coaster of emotions, but it really hasn't. I have felt the same since the day he arrived AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM. I see him and I think to myself I had him.

I'll copy and paste a draft of a post, an email I sent him, and a text conversation I held with him.

The draft of the post:
Its Christmas and I just realized I'm in love with someone who no longer exist.

The Ex Fiance I love is no longer there. I can't expect him to go through a life changing experience like join the army and expect him to come back the same. Re-reading that last sentence... That's where I failed, I expected.
He is still himself in many aspects, but he isn't the same with me.

I don't get the cute morning text or phone call. He is okay with canceling plans because of his family almost every time we've had plans. (This I can understand, I'm not asking for all of his time. I just would like for him to give me some sort of importance and tell them "I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with you, I would like to see IMWIR in the evening").

His tolerance to things I say is not the same.

Sometimes it's good to write things down. As I read this I am stricken with more realization.

I've tried to bring up things but like I just mentioned- his tolerance is not the same.

I am in love with a person that is no more.

I need to accept it and let it go. Get to learn the new him...

The e-mail I sent him:
Hey Ex Fiance.
Sorry for the email... Its almost 2:30 am and I haven't really heard from you. Being that you've fallen asleep early all the days prior I'm going to assume you are sleeping and will not call.
I know I'm suppose to see you later today but- some things don't change. I need to get this out before I go to bed.
I love you very VERY much. So much so that the thought of us not ending up together in the future is something I never dealt with. I've done this to myself by setting expectations but the Ex Fiance that I love isn't there anymore. You are new and improved, and although it might not benefit me- it does benefit you. You are a better person and much more comfortable within yourself, that makes me happy for you.
That doesn't change the fact that you aren't the boy I fell in love with last year (perhaps now you are a man)... I loved the attention I got from you, the daily morning text, the daily good night calls, the way that I came first, your tolerance for me is not the same.
This isn't a break up email or an email telling you I don't want to be with you ever (I can't break up if we aren't together lol). However, I did tell you that I want to marry you and its not fair for me to say that. I cannot marry someone I don't know. I do want to get to know the new you though. I love you Ex Fiance and accepting this is not an easy thing for me.
<3
IMWIR

His response to this was that I need to relax, he is having a hard time adjusting to the civilian world (I don't want to know what he will be like if he ever does go to war... adjusting to coming back is going to be horrible for him). He wants to do things right this time with me.

I can understand, and so, I relaxed.

A text conversation went like this: (FYI: I was hanging out with another guy... )
Me: Ill be getting home late. Talk to you tomorrow maybe.
::EX FIANCE calls me but I don't pick up because I was busy::
Ex Fiance: Ahhhh man. I was giving u chill space. I know how you used to be when u were with friends. My heart is racing now because of that "maybe" word. I don't know anything anymore except u... =(
Me: I love you boo and I want YOU but I need to look out for myself- going through the last couple of days has been rough
Ex Fiance: I working things out boo...i am doing my best. I feel like ur moving further w/ each passing second
Me: I won't lie, I am. Doesn't mean I love u any less, but it isn't the sane- you've changed towards me and I won't fight it
Ex Fiance: Stop saying that. Stop. You need to give me more than one week to get adjusted. It doesn't happen right away. Please. Now i am back to begging you.
Me:Its hard, I know you need to do you that's why I've left you alone.
Ex Fiance: but I didn't ask you to leave me alone.
Me: you don't have to ask me to do it...
Ex Fiance: I know but pls don't leave me alone :(
Me: When I was on u told me I need to relax. I leave you alone u don't want that either.

Today my dating situation came up...
In a nutshell, I told him he is the one I love but maybe the timing isn't right, he isn't ready to have me in his life. I can't force him to be ready so I will continue dating. He is my #1 and whenever he decides to come around, if ever, he'll know where to reach me and hopefully I"ll be available.

He called me and explained he didn't want me dating anyone else, he is working on making US better. It might be taking a little longer, and time is working against us but to please work with him.

He also knows I've been talking to one of my closest friend the break dancer and has asked me to speak to him instead, he doesn't want me to stop turning to him when I need to talk.
I told him I still turn to him for a lot but there are certain things he does NOT need, me being emo about whats going on is one of those things. I tried talking to him about how I feel re: this situation and I was told I need to relax.

I have been working with him and I will continue as long as he keeps showing me he is working for us.

This is probably the last post about this situation, I prefer to keep it private.

Love the Good, Hack the Bad...

Being the TV junkie that I am, I was watching Tough Love on VH1 and one of the girls was being reprimanded for always having something set up before she left the guy.
I've known a few people who are guilty of this. My neighbor is one of them... And honestly, its wrong, BUT being human myself I can understand why. The distraction makes it easier to deal with. I have a few other friends who I know do the same thing.

When El Difunto dumped me I didn't have anything set up. Mainly because he left me and caught me off guard so I couldn't have anything set up. The heartache of that was so bad I have been guilty of having something set up before leaving the Ex Fiance (Fitness) to avoid feeling that again. When I left Fitness I didn't have something else set up so I know its not repetitive behavior.

Can you hack the pain?

I know I can't, not right now. This is how I know...
The Ex Fiance is here for a few days, I am very excited about this. I knew I loved him still, and I'm pretty sure my previous blogs gave it away but seeing him just confirmed it.
I had cancelled plans, and left my days open for him. The day after he got here he had to cancel last min because he was running Army errands. That was cool with me.
He tells me he is sitting down for dinner and will call me once he is done. Two hrs go by, I sent him a text telling him I will be salsa dancing, and I hope he enjoyed his very long meal. He calls me back to tell me he fell asleep after eating. Cool with me.
The next morning he and I are suppose to meet up at 10 am. I call him at 9:30 to see what his status is and he was still sleeping. He tells me he will sleep another half hour and then get ready. 2 hrs go by, he should have been in my house already, so I call him.

He was just hopping out the shower.

This is where I get pissed. He could have called me to tell me he was running late if he was already awake. I have literally put my life on hold for him, haven't gone christmas shopping for my parents, and he is being too laid back about me.

His response: IMWIR. I am laid back in general because for the past 5 months i have been on edge. Being yelled at for everything. And I thought you of all people would understand. I never told you to cancel plans with people. I never told you wait to buy your parents gifts. While i appreciate the fact that you are doing all that for me.
I told him I know he didn't ask me to do all that for him but I did it because I wanted to take advantage of the time he was here. I guess I had put too much of myself out there and he had just put everything into perspective for me. We had no obligations to each other and I already knew he was bothered by what had taken place, we didn't have to hang out that day.
His response was I dont get how you flip flop. I wanna come. I just dnt want drama the 3rd day I am here. I am sorry that you cancelled plans today and yesterday.

He came anyway, we had an okay day. I miss the old him, but am being realistic and accepting that he might not exist anymore. I am so into him though, my heart is invested to the point where I have put a wall up and am only allowing myself to enjoy him a certain amount because I don't feel the same in return.

This is why my answer is NO, I can't hack it.

I loved you once, I love you still, I always have, I always will...

It's been snowing in New York. I wasn't in the mood to go out in the snow again, take the train, and find something to do while out in the snow. I had spend a drunken Saturday night caught in the blizzard and the last thing I wanted to do was this... but that is what the guy I was suppose to hang out with wanted to do.
NOTE TO SELF: Date only men who drive.

This guy I had met at the Fundraiser I had put together, he came with my little sisters friend, we had good chemistry and kept in touch. Nothing has ever happened between him and I. I had went on a double date with my little sister, her friend (which is his cousin), him, and I... and he let me pay for the movie. I wasn't even craving a popcorn but I let him get me one out of spite. Sad I know... I just think it is proper etiquette, as the guy, if you invite the girl out TO PAY.

Anyway, I make my way to Union Square, I call the guy and he does not pick up. I send him a text and then get a call from the Ex Fiance. This was the day he was due to come home from basic but due to the snow storm his flight had been delayed. I told him I was in Forever 21 in Union Square and described what the city was like. After some short chit chat he has to let go of the phone, tells me he will call me later and we hang up.

I am online to pay when the guy calls me and tells me he was running late, the transportation from NJ was running slow. He comes to the register where I am paying, I ask him what the plan of action is and he tells me he doesn't know, we will just wing it. GREAT (I am being sarcastic).
As we are walking out of Forever 21 I see the Ex Fiance about to walk into Forever 21.

My heart dropped to my ass- I don't think there has been a moment in my life where I have been so happy to see someone. I ran to him and gave him a loooooooooong hug and asked him WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE? Then I remembered, I am with another guy. I quickly introduced them, and told the guy sorry but the Ex Fiance had just gotten back from the military (he was in uniform). The other guy was cool about it and went on his way.
The Ex Fiance and I went to Max Brenner and this is when I started to tear up...
He looked so good, I was very proud of him and realized how much in love I still am with him.

I LOVE HIM, yes, my cousin that girl was right in her final post...

I have enjoyed the company of other men but there is no one else I want... through out all he has still remained a good friend of mine, someone I have become very dependant on for support. I want to be his wife one day, I am not interested in getting to know someone else. I found the man I can call my better half. I honestly think the timing for everything before was not right, but if through all we have been through we have managed to maintain good communication and a great friendship...

I've never told anyone but him this but the reason I have dealt with the breaking of my engagement so well is because deep down inside I never really accepted us not being together. I would think about the day he wouldn't talk to me anymore and it would make me cringe, he told me he loved me and I to him every time we spoke. That is what would put me at ease.

Grand Canyon Lovin' Preview

I don't feel like doing too much writing about this so I will copy and paste a conversation I had on gmail with one of my best friends Break Dancer. Ladies, he is the shit.

Participants:-------------In My World I ROCK (IMWIR) , Break Dancer
Messages:---------
Break Dancer: Word! I hate itttttttt
IMWIR : Me too. I don't think anyone likes being broke
IMWIR: Yo so u want to hear the latest
Break Dancer: Tell me lol
IMWIR: I went to sleep over Scarfs house
IMWIR : ...
IMWIR : Where do I begiiiiin
Break Dancer First time?
IMWIR: Sleeping over, no- the first time I slept over was the night I THREW UP
IMWIR : Remember my blog
Break Dancer: Ooooh yea haha
IMWIR : K
IMWIR : So...
IMWIR : That time nothing happened cuz... Well... I was throwing up.
Break Dancer: Right
IMWIR: In short: 1-he is a horrible intense kisser (but okay when it isn't a heated kiss)... But great orally... 2- we didn't have sex because he told me he wants to wait until the grand canyon BUT he has a small package... 3- I couldn't stop thinking about the ex fiance.
Break Dancer: Woah
Break Dancer: Hold on
Break Dancer: Take it back lol
IMWIR : ...
IMWIR : To which one
Break Dancer: 1 you are just figuring out now he's a bad intense kisser like u say?
IMWIR : No
IMWIR: Wait
Break Dancer: Oooh ok
Anel : I said he is an okay kisser but you know when things get intense... Sometimes the kiss changes
Break Dancer: Lol yea
Break Dancer: Yo i'm laughing here
IMWIR: So he is horrible at the but when he is kissing anything that isn't my lips its great
Break Dancer: Hahahha
Break Dancer: Lmao
IMWIR : Lol
IMWIR : Jesus
Break Dancer: So a man that wants to wait? That's strange
Break Dancer: Also about his little problem. Tell him to try one of those pills on tv. Maybe it will work lol
IMWIR : I'm not telling him shit
IMWIR : After the road trip it won't matter
Break Dancer: Why?
IMWIR : I am still in love with the ex fiance.
Break Dancer : So after the trip u are going to dead scarf?
IMWIR : I don't know what to do
IMWIR : I enjoy him
IMWIR : And I know I'll have fun on this trip and its fucked up of me to go on this trip and accept all his dates knowing my heart is somewhere else.

*END CONVO*

Jesus how fuckeD up am I?

I really do enjoy Scarf but being in bed with him... didn't feel right.
When I was with Fitness I didn't mind being in bed with him at all.
How fucked up is it of me to think- thank god he wants to wait until the Grand Canyon, that's half way through the trip and the other 4 days my sister Pang will be sharing a room with us in Vegas! Then we have just 3 days.

I almost deleted that last bit because I felt THAT HORRIBLE writing it... but what's this blog for if I have to censor it?

Who knows- hopefully I come back from this trip and have to EAT MY WORDS because his intentions are super sweet. He wants me to dress up for a photo shoot in my elegant dresses in the Grand Canyon- he is bringing his professional camera for this.

He is booking a bunch of fun activities like a helicopter ride in the Grand Canyon, rock climbing, seeing shows...

Although, I probably won't be getting much sleep on this trip. HE SNORES.

Enjoy the Memories without Interruptions

I'm sitting in the living room... Feeling very nostalgic.
I've been wanting to sit and look at pictures of the ex fiance and I but I haven't because every time I've had some down time my moms been home... my mom is nosey and I kind of just want to sit and look back, reflect, enjoy the memories without the interruptions of 3,000 questions and personal opinions of outsiders. (The pleasure's of living at home)

What lead to this...

I went to my cousins birthday gathering at a place on 12th street and 2nd Ave. It was a small underground bar/lounge. We were all hanging out at the seating area talking about what girls talk about ;)...
When in walks the DJ...
Who looks like the Ex Fiance's twin.
I mean down to the sneakers he wore. They had same physical features, same stature, same style of clothes, even the same red/blonde beard. I caught myself staring and smiling a few times, and not at the guy himself... It was at what he reminded me of. There were points where it was overwhelming and too much for me to handle. I thought to myself what the fuck is wrong with me? I know what's wrong with me. I still love him very much.
It amazes me how much ONE DAY could change your life.
If I NEVER went to Dirty Disco but that day I went because Sassy Daisy's ex co worker was D.J.ing there that night, or else I would have never met the ex-fiance. I wonder how different my life would have been had we never decided to actually go that day. That DJ invited us out allllll the time and we hardly went. But that day we did...It's not like I would have met him somewhere else.

• We don't go to the same places.
• He doesn't like to go out.
• We didn't have mutual friends.
• I was never in his neighborhood nor him in mine.

I would have not known what his love was like. Although it is a love that lead to some unhealthy habits of his to come out-- it is a love I don't think many people experience.
I might be making excuses for him... but the Ex-Fiance is not a bad guy. He's just been in some shitty situations in the past that he never learned to deal with (funny, his mom was a psychologist), the timing was just not right (neither were his actions, but he is human and we fuck up).

sometimes it is good to just sit back and remember the good... sometimes.

FYI: Girls Poop Too

To go or not to go?

I plan on writing a few of these but I decided to make the first one a little interesting. My neighbor has been dating her guy 9 years and she refuses to fart in front of him.

I think that is ridiculous. Whoever I am with is going to have to know I pass gas. After 9 years, we better be comfortable with each others stink.

Farting almost goes hand in hand with taking a dump. Something Scarf said stood out about how brave he thought I was when he thought I was taking a shit (when in reality I was throwing up) and he admired that because some girls will come up with some weird excuses to leave when they have to release.

How have you broken the ice, if ever?

Every new guy means a new experience, and having to do this all over again. Here goes how I've handled a few of mine.

El Difunto:He had his own apartment. I never lived with him but would stay over from time to time. He had a stand up shower that fit ONE person so taking a shower together was not an option. I would turn on the shower and handle my business and just pray that it didn't smell.

Ex Fiance: We went on a weekend trip to Montreal 2 months and change after we started dating. While in the shower I thought I could let one go without him hearing it. It sounded like a quacking duck and HE HEARD IT! You better believe after that situation all shyness went away. He has been the one I have been most open to about my body functions.

Scarf: He doesn't know yet but during one of my throw up sessions I took a shit. It was one of those "I've been throwing up for hours and can't deal with holding it in" things so I just went. He was sleeping.But we have this road trip coming up. We will be together for over 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure I will have to let him know I GOTTA GO.

Fitness: When I would stay over I would use it while he went to go get breakfast outside.Any other time with other guys I never really stayed over to the point where I couldn't hold it until I got home.

Pls feel free to share one of your boys and #2 bathroom experiences.

Cold Rain

Things have been on the up and up with Scarf. Totally unexpected, I didn't want to like anyone right now because I still have something for the Ex Fiance. I don't know what to call what I still have for him. I still love him very much, I care about him, and I get excited when I speak to him. (I am still very much aware of the troubles we had and his family).


Scarf is so easy to spend time with, and he's got his shit TOGETHER. I'm not talking money, I mean everything. He has got himself together. Hanging out with him is so worry free and I really enjoy that.

I had gone hosiery shopping for my Halloween costume. I needed a specific type and wasn't finding it anywhere. I spent 3 hours going from store to store looking. Scarf suggested I go to Loehmann's, according to him they usually have everything (I had never been to the store). The next day, its cold and raining (both I dislike, its just uncomfortable being out in that type of weather). He tells me he is in the city and asks if he could pick me up. He picked me up and we head downtown... IN SEARCH OF MY PANTYHOSE. WOW, now that's a man. He had a list of stores ready for me to check out. Luckily, we found them at the first store, LOEHMANN'S. (I'm still trying to figure out how we would know this store would have them... AND he was the one who found them!).


He wasn't ready to stop hanging out with me so quickly, so he invited me to go see the movie Good Hair. Funny movie if you like Chris Rock humor. I won't ruin the movie for those of you who have not watched it but it reminds me of the movie Borat.

We got to the theater a bit early, so we started talking. He asked me about the current situation with my father and I told him about a conversation my dad had with my aunt (That Girl's mother) and how he said I am good for nothing and I am going through this phase where I don't want to work. Also, that he is the one who kicked my mom out the room and he wants a divorce and my mom not to dare deny him a divorce (FYI: my mom left their room because she wanted to and has asked him for a divorce on numerous occasions).


We spoke about that for a little while and he mentioned how uncomfortable certain things might be for me and if I ever need to get away his place has an open door. If I ever want to be alone at his place without him there he will find something to do... He wants me to know he is someone I can count on. I make fun of his old age all the time but with his old age comes a lot of experience and understanding.


Side note: I met him just as his birthday passed and offered to take him to dinner for his bday when we first hung out so I took him to Max Brenner after the movies where we started talking about our Grand Canyon Salsa Road Trip. Las Vegas is only 2.5 hrs away from where we were originally stopping so we have just added Vegas to our trip where we will be going to see a Cirque du Soleil show :), and dance more salsa!



Scarf asked me some good questions about my dad... In short, here is how I feel about the situation: You can read a little about my father here


I was very angry at him, FOR YEARS (I spent 7 yrs where the only time we exchanged words was when we argued). I was angry at him for many reasons, for the beatings, for his demeanor, for the way he treated my mother and my sisters, and especially for the fucking fake persona he had. People outside the walls of Apt 1E do not know who that man is.


Then, I grew up and tried again but the man was the same. I gave up until he broke down in front of me over something that was happening between him and my mother. I intervened because it broke my heart to see him cry. Don't ask me why. But the man was the same. I gave up and was very angry.I saw a therapist for El Difunto once and she spoke to me about my father and that opened my eyes to something. I had a fear. A huge fear that my dad would pass away and I never told him "dad, this is why I hurt..." I don't know why I figured I could have solved things with words when it came to him. I sat him down and laid it all out for him.


It was a long conversation from my end, and I cried the entire time I spoke. I looked at him in the eye at the end and told him that I didn't want him to pass away and I had all this anger in my heart about shit because at the end of the day I hurt because I love him. If I didn't I wouldn't. All I wanted to know was that he was sorry for some of the things, or to just admit he was wrong, or to admit he was a little aggressive. He looked at me back and told me I deserved everything I GOT.


Stubborn mother fucker.


At that point I had to just stand up and walk away because really, what else is there for me to do? My mother was sitting there and even her jaw dropped to the floor when he exchanged those few words with me.


What I am trying to get at is after that day I no longer have the fear. My mission when it comes to him is to steer clear, let him be him and me stay out of the way. So if he thinks I'm good for nothing, that's cool. I know he'll be the first one gloating when I get to where I want to be.


My father is going to die a very lonely man. He doesn't know how to take care of what matters and I honestly feel sorry for him. My dad is like cold rain...

Italian Dinner and Red Wine

Scarf is 1/4 Cuban and 3/4 Italian.

He had told me one day, in casual conversation, that he was having sauteed spinach for dinner.
He asked if he could make it for me one day.

I accepted.

I make my way to NJ where he lives with a bottle of the red wine he likes in hand.

I get to his apt, which is small (a studio) but beautiful. Very artsy, brick wall, high ceiling... the whole nine.

He gives me the grand tour, admits that his place doesn't usually look that clean, he only dusted and picked up because I was going over... He showed me some of his work, we popped open the bottle of wine and he started cooking while I doodled in his drawing pad.

On the menu:

• Some sort of Italian bread with olive oil and Parmesan cheese.
• An assortment of olives and mozzarella cheese.
• Sauteed spinach
• Asparagus
• Italian mashed potatoes
• Red Wine.

He thanked me endlessly for bringing the wine- he said no one has brought him wine in a WHILE. Shit, if this is all it took to impress him lol.

He set the table very nicely, I wanted to take a picture but my phone was in my purse and I didn't want to disturb the flow.

We had good talk during dinner, so much so- time flew by and we didn't get to watch the movie he rented.

He introduced the game of PENTE.

We played a few rounds of this game (it's funner then it sounds, I swear)... and got ready to go (I had a previous engagement).

On our way out he decides he needs to use the restroom so I sit on the stairs. On his way out he sat on a chair and we spent another hour talking, him on the chair and me on the stairs.

You could tell he is attracted but doesn't know how to go about making a move.

He drove me home in his new Audi S line... which he bought for his 40th birthday as a gift to himself.

Yes, you read right... 40.

The man is 40 years old but looks 28.

When he told me he was nervous... but understood that we had no obligations and it could be an issue.

THAT GIRL was in town for my cousins wedding. She had met Scarf the day she arrived at a Salsa club. Good times. He is in the people business so he knows how to get along with people. Shots of Patron going around all night, good times... Until she saw him talking too much to this other woman lol... Her face was priceless. Again, he is in the events business so he has to be social. There was nothing behind it, and if there was... OH WELL. Shit happens.

I had no way of getting to this wedding, it was in NJ. Scarf had offered to drive me and pick me up... I was suppose to be going with my dad but plans changed- my dad wasn't coming anymore, so I told Scarf to put on his suit- he was going to be my date. He gladly accepted.

I loved it, I didn't have to babysit him and the man made me look WONDERFUL on the dance floor :-D. We had people at our table asking us how many YEARS have we been dancing together... I've been dancing for two month and only look good when my leader dances well... Being the gentleman he is the entire time he would answer back "we haven't been dancing together that long but it's all her, she makes me look good on the dance floor- I wouldn't dance as well if I didn't have a good partner".

At the table he confessed that he doesn't know how to go about this situation, he likes me and is scared because it is risky. He doesn't know if I am at a point in my life where I want to be with someone. He enjoys me so much he doesn't care if this becomes nothing more then a friendship. Or else I think this is what he said, I don't know. I was drunk and trying really hard to not spill any oil from my food on my dress.

He was an excellent date. He danced with everybody, was very social, and took pictures of everything for me- I wasn't on camera duty. He would even take pictures of me dancing while HE was dancing with me lol.

We then went to a salsa club after, we brought That Girl with us. I danced every song while I was there... 3 of them with Scarf lol. When we walked out he finally did it. He built the courage to do it.

He kissed me.

I can't tell you if it was good or not- I was drinking alot- not enough to not remember this happening but enough to not remember the details. I don't remember it being horrible- if it was I think I would have remembered that.

Apparently he has been telling That Girl wonderful things about me. She approves of him.

Too bad the ex-fiance is still in my <3.