Saucy With My Daddy

The Robert Carlo concert date arrived.

My dad and I took the train down town and at first it was a little weird. I never had to spend alone time with him like this, there was definitely that awkward silence for a moment. I mean, what can I really talk to this man about?
He started to talk to me about stuff going on with his friends and I had a better understanding of the union they shared. I am not really a fan of some of his friends, BIRDS OF A FEATHER STICK TOGETHER. They are like him. I don't agree with some of the things they have done but just like my girls are my girls... his boys are his boys.

We arrive at the concert, I offer to buy my dad a drink. I remembered he didn't have time to eat, so I bought him a hot dog as well. Got myself a red wine and headed back to our seat. We were seven rows away from the stage, Roberto Carlo came out and the look on my dads face was one of true content. After a second round of drinks, I was saucy with my dad at a concert. Who would have thought. One song came on that reminded him of my mother and he started to cry.

I didn't know what to do.

So I asked him if he wanted another hot dog...

I also remember farting during the concert and hoping it didn't smell. If it did I was ready to start looking at the lady to my left as if something was wrong with her.

The concert was actually a very nice concert. Live music is always good to me, and the artist is a great one. I am happy I went. That concert is a day I will never forget. It was the first time I hung out with my father and actually had a good time.

Which leads me to my next point.

Ting has his own issues with his father. He hasn't spoken to him in a while and told me that a conversation he had with me about my father had inspired him to take that step to call him one day. We then started talking about my situation again and for the first time ever, I spoke about my father and did not cry.

Rest Your Head, Dry Your Eyes, Baby You'll Be Alright- Ryan Donn

I have so many things happen that I think are funny enough to blog about and I just don't muster the energy to log on and write. I don't like to write when I am not happy... and obviously, right now I am not too happy.

Again, I hate the fact that all my recent post have become heavy to some degree and are about love and those in it.

Ting- I don't want to like him but I do. I enjoy him a lot. He isn't even my type physically. He is chubby but we have good talks, we laugh, we dance, we have sex- I get my rocks off and he doesn't. That's a whole other post within itself. He told me it has happened with almost every girl he has been with so I don't take too much offense to it. I told him he should go get his rocks off with someone who could keep up with him.
He took offense to this.
I enjoy when he kisses my hand.
I enjoy the way he caresses me when we lay together.
I love the fact that he can't stop kissing me. He wants to kiss all the time.
I catch him starring at me every once in a while. It reminds me of when Fitness used to do that. Remember him?

He is a little sensitive to certain issues, just like any other person that is falling in like with someone. He is a great communicator and likes to talk shit out right then and there. I have been so emotionally out of it that I don't really have the energy to make strong statements. I say what I have to say and keep it moving.


Ex Fiance- I am at a loss with what to do with him. There is no denying that I love him. I love him. I am going to be completely honest with myself. I don't think it will work out because the effort in him is different. He still comes to see me, and we speak EVERY DAY. But we don't go out on dates. He comes over right after work to see me for two hours before he has to run home to let the dogs out.

I can't bash him completely. He does ask me for time but I'm usually at salsa class the days he wants to go out. Salsa is the only thing keeping me sane right now, but I guess I need to skip a few classes if I want to give things with him a fair shot?

He plans on making a career of the military. Me, an army wife?

I refuse to give up until I can say I truly tried this time around. He isn't doing anything wrong, he just hasn't done anything to sweep me off my feet. I am used to him sweeping me off my feet. I think he is at a point where he is trying to settle himself. It is only fair I give him his time to do that. When I needed my time he gave it to me. I ended up dating Fitness, but he gave it to me none the less.

I'm not ready to walk away from him just yet.

Something is not letting me. Not yet.

I still remember the day I met him :)

How Could I Tell Him No?

One time, because of a specific conversation, Scarf asked me if I have the heart to be honest with someone, even though I know it is going to hurt them.

I answered no.

Those of you who read this regularly know about my father...

Him and my mother are no longer together but sleep in the same apartment. My mom in my room and my dad in theirs. I know he feels very alone here, I could never imagine feeling that way in such a busy house hold. I know he is not comfortable in his own home. In most ways he brought that upon himself, but the man is human and I can't help but to feel for him.

It is 1 a.m. on a Friday night and my dad sneaks into the house, making sure he doesn't make noise with the door. To his surprise he finds me sitting on the couch (I was suppose to be away for the weekend but postponed the trip due to what I think is an ear infection). I can tell he has been drinking, he looks happy.

We shoot the shit about why I am not away, he goes back to his room and I go back to my computer. He comes back and asks me if I can check on the Internet for some concert he just heard about on the radio, it is one of his all time favorite artist. He swore when he came to this country 30 years ago that he would see this man perform, and never had the chance to. He doesn't want to let this one pass by.

He kneels next to me and I look online and find the concert. I ask him how much is he willing to spend.
Dad: The best seats available
IMWIR: Alright big baller, the best seat in the house is $170
Dad: That's okay
::I input the information and request for one ticket::
Dad: can you check for two? would you like to come with me? I don't really want to go alone.

I can't even keep a dry eye typing this. My heart was completely broken. I have my reasons to say no. Do I really want to spend three hours with the man who made me feel this, this, and this? NO. But he is my father and is obviously going through something I wish I never put myself through. It is always easy to blame someone else, facing yourself isn't. I refuse to see him in his casket and think "I wish I..."

He is aging already, I see it physically and even in his eyes. I think I would be crying harder if I had said no.

He asks me to go into his room to see a DVD of the artist. He was singing along to every song, smiling and chumming around with me. How could I tell him no?

Dad, despite the fact that I can't agree with the fact that you can't say you are sorry- something in me just doesn't let me tell you no,

Usual Morning Routine

I slowly wake from my sleep because I feel a presence in my room. I turn over to look at the time and notice its not the usual Pang getting ready for work I felt. There was nobody there.I'm still tired, I have a slight cold, so I disregard and go back to sleep.


I wake up again because my feet are frigid- as if it was sticking outside the window in 25 degree weather. I wake up- this time I really wake up- and cover my feet. I go back to sleep. I feel someone in my room again. I turn over to look at the time. Its 10:37 a.m. I am a little freaked out by what I am experiencing, I decide going to sleep isn't my best bet. I get up and start my morning routine.

I grab my towel, grab my box of bobby pins, pick up my hair, place the box of bobby pins on the sink, and hop in the shower.


I feel like someone is in the bathroom.


IMWIR: Pang?


No response.


Maybe the dog walked in the bathroom. I pay this no mind and continue to shower. I hear something fall on the floor. I peak my head out through the shower curtains and see my bobby pins all over the floor. Great, picking up bobby pins is so much fun.


I hop out of the shower and start to dry myself and I notice the bobby pins are being shuffled around- there is no one else in the bathroom with me. I stand still in disbelief.


I run to my room and get dressed. My father is in his room, he and I do not really bond but I had to tell someone what is going on.

I walk into my dads room, he is sitting on his usual corner, reading some sort of pamphlet.

IMWIR: Dad, I had a weird experience this morning. I think there is something in the house.

Dad: There is no one here, it's just you and I.

I explain what I felt this morning. He tells me I am crazy for thinking there is something in the house.

He is interrupted by foot marks walking across his bed and the room door closing on it's own.

IMWIR: Did you not just see that?!

My dad doesn't respond, he is in disbelief.

I was livid.

IMWIR: Whatever you are, I know you are here! If you are really here slam that closet door shut!

The closet door slams shut.

I was hoping it didn't happen. I was kind of hoping I was crazy. I wasn't.

I feel force push me back, now I am laying on the bed. I cannot breathe through my nose or my mouth. I start to shake trying to get air. I look at my dad and try to speak to him with my eyes. He is staring back scared. He doesn't see whatever this is, is covering my nose and mouth.

I jump up catching my breath. I am in my bed. I look at the time, it is 10:32 a.m. I grab my towel for my usual morning routine. As I walk to the bathroom I realize, it's only me and my father home...

I Know Too Much

This wasn't meant to be a blog about my dating life. Actually, I tried to make it a point to NOT make it about just boys but I guess all I have been doing is having fun- while dating.

Today I am going to flip the switch and write about something else that is very important in my life. MY PARENTS.

Usually I will write, and re write a blog but this one I am just winging it. I actually don't even know where to start...

I've always felt that I KNOW TOO MUCH. I love my mother, I've said it before- I have had, since little, an unhealthy attachment to that woman. She is my friend, actually, she is one of my better friends.

I think my mom feels the same about me. I think that sometimes it is hard for her to draw a line between mother and friend ONLY WHEN it comes to talking about her personal business. I feel like I KNOW TOO MUCH.

I've had my differences with my dad. Every fight I have had with him has been because of my inability to back down from something I think is unfair. I have my rights to judge him for what has happened between him and I. Honestly, I have judged him for things I know about him through my mother. I know that I know too much.

But how do you tell your mother, who you can tell is telling you these things because she needs an outlet... "Mom, stop... Maybe I shouldn't know all of this..."

I never said it. And today, I wish I did.
Let me explain...

When the ex fiance and I broke up I moved back home to a hostile situation between my parents. Shortly after moving back my parents "separated" and my mom has been sleeping on a couch in my room. At first I thought this was just one of their shenanigans.

It wasn't.

My mom still sleeps in my room.

My parents talk divorce.
He says my mom has put his personal business out there about problems they've had in the bedroom, and my mom has just had problems with him for years...

My mom suffers from depression and insomnia. I think what has been helping her has been READING.

While at the library, she is at the Spanish books section just flipping through books and finds this book of magic where there is a section about insomnia. She decides to look at a few other books in that genre and finds that a few of them have a insomnia section. She takes 3 out and brings them home.

My dad comes home and finds this. It triggers his curiosity so he looks through all her books and of coarse he finds two more.

He approaches my mom about this, starts to fight to her that he thinks she is into some brujeria. That there is a smell in the house that she refuses to explain (its a glade plug in... and she refuses to tell him what or where it is because then he will remove it), and then he finds these books.

My mom and him start going back and forth about snooping through each others shit, and a bunch of other things.

I am in the bathroom getting ready for an event while this is happening and I start to get that feeling of anxiety so I shut the door and put the music up. Pang is in our bedroom and she does the complete opposite, she lowers the music so she could hear better lol.

Anyway, my mom comes up to me today and asks me if I heard what happened yesterday. I smirk and say yes. She goes on to repeat the entire argument as she saw it and tells me that at night she was thinking that once he told her that he thinks someone did some brujeria (witchery) to him. After he saw that book that maybe he thinks the reason why he is IMPOTENT is because she was the one who did it to him.

MY HEART DROPPED, I tried not to react to what I was hearing.

I kind of wish I didn't know. I know that I know too much.

Cold Rain

Things have been on the up and up with Scarf. Totally unexpected, I didn't want to like anyone right now because I still have something for the Ex Fiance. I don't know what to call what I still have for him. I still love him very much, I care about him, and I get excited when I speak to him. (I am still very much aware of the troubles we had and his family).


Scarf is so easy to spend time with, and he's got his shit TOGETHER. I'm not talking money, I mean everything. He has got himself together. Hanging out with him is so worry free and I really enjoy that.

I had gone hosiery shopping for my Halloween costume. I needed a specific type and wasn't finding it anywhere. I spent 3 hours going from store to store looking. Scarf suggested I go to Loehmann's, according to him they usually have everything (I had never been to the store). The next day, its cold and raining (both I dislike, its just uncomfortable being out in that type of weather). He tells me he is in the city and asks if he could pick me up. He picked me up and we head downtown... IN SEARCH OF MY PANTYHOSE. WOW, now that's a man. He had a list of stores ready for me to check out. Luckily, we found them at the first store, LOEHMANN'S. (I'm still trying to figure out how we would know this store would have them... AND he was the one who found them!).


He wasn't ready to stop hanging out with me so quickly, so he invited me to go see the movie Good Hair. Funny movie if you like Chris Rock humor. I won't ruin the movie for those of you who have not watched it but it reminds me of the movie Borat.

We got to the theater a bit early, so we started talking. He asked me about the current situation with my father and I told him about a conversation my dad had with my aunt (That Girl's mother) and how he said I am good for nothing and I am going through this phase where I don't want to work. Also, that he is the one who kicked my mom out the room and he wants a divorce and my mom not to dare deny him a divorce (FYI: my mom left their room because she wanted to and has asked him for a divorce on numerous occasions).


We spoke about that for a little while and he mentioned how uncomfortable certain things might be for me and if I ever need to get away his place has an open door. If I ever want to be alone at his place without him there he will find something to do... He wants me to know he is someone I can count on. I make fun of his old age all the time but with his old age comes a lot of experience and understanding.


Side note: I met him just as his birthday passed and offered to take him to dinner for his bday when we first hung out so I took him to Max Brenner after the movies where we started talking about our Grand Canyon Salsa Road Trip. Las Vegas is only 2.5 hrs away from where we were originally stopping so we have just added Vegas to our trip where we will be going to see a Cirque du Soleil show :), and dance more salsa!



Scarf asked me some good questions about my dad... In short, here is how I feel about the situation: You can read a little about my father here


I was very angry at him, FOR YEARS (I spent 7 yrs where the only time we exchanged words was when we argued). I was angry at him for many reasons, for the beatings, for his demeanor, for the way he treated my mother and my sisters, and especially for the fucking fake persona he had. People outside the walls of Apt 1E do not know who that man is.


Then, I grew up and tried again but the man was the same. I gave up until he broke down in front of me over something that was happening between him and my mother. I intervened because it broke my heart to see him cry. Don't ask me why. But the man was the same. I gave up and was very angry.I saw a therapist for El Difunto once and she spoke to me about my father and that opened my eyes to something. I had a fear. A huge fear that my dad would pass away and I never told him "dad, this is why I hurt..." I don't know why I figured I could have solved things with words when it came to him. I sat him down and laid it all out for him.


It was a long conversation from my end, and I cried the entire time I spoke. I looked at him in the eye at the end and told him that I didn't want him to pass away and I had all this anger in my heart about shit because at the end of the day I hurt because I love him. If I didn't I wouldn't. All I wanted to know was that he was sorry for some of the things, or to just admit he was wrong, or to admit he was a little aggressive. He looked at me back and told me I deserved everything I GOT.


Stubborn mother fucker.


At that point I had to just stand up and walk away because really, what else is there for me to do? My mother was sitting there and even her jaw dropped to the floor when he exchanged those few words with me.


What I am trying to get at is after that day I no longer have the fear. My mission when it comes to him is to steer clear, let him be him and me stay out of the way. So if he thinks I'm good for nothing, that's cool. I know he'll be the first one gloating when I get to where I want to be.


My father is going to die a very lonely man. He doesn't know how to take care of what matters and I honestly feel sorry for him. My dad is like cold rain...

My Public FUCK YOU

Those who know me know I don't have a good relationship with my father.

We both have very strong personalities. He doesn't back down, and I don't back down.

The man is almost impossible to get along with.

I had 7 years I didn't speak to him because when I did- it would turn into a fight, so I cut off all communication... And we lived in the same house.

A few years ago (very recent) I decided- I didn't want him to pass and I am still angry about a lot. So I sat down and spoke to him.

I pleaded my case and said all I want is some sort of apology.

He told me I deserved everything I got.

It took everything in me that day to stand up and walk away without saying anything or crying. But I did it. You would think I would have learned my lesson then.

At one point I thought MAYBE IT IS ME. But I see the relationship my sisters have with him, and the advice my mother gives me and I realize- the guy is just an asshole. Yes, my father = a butt hole.

Yesterday I wanted to sit down with him and tell him about the ex fiance and i- let him know we aren't together so that he doesn't keep complaining that nobody talks to him and he has to find shit out through the grapevine.

My mom suggest I don't do it.

I decide to treat him the way he is requesting and I speak to him.

I sat down and told him that I wanted to talk to him. By now he knows that the ex fiance and I are not together, we were having our differences- he lied about a few things, and it was just not working out.

He asked me if it was over for real.

I said yes.

He then told me not to think I'm going to be running loose that he already noticed I started acting crazy. (I go out too much according to him).

I am giving you the PG version...

I told him I am 25, going out has never gotten in the way of school or work, I have never been in trouble- never came home pregnant... You guys asked for a BA from me and you got it.

Regardless, this conversation isn't about that- I just wanted to address the ex fiance issue with him personally.

To him I say stupid me for even trying... you are the one who gets what you deserve... And not the way he thinks I got what I deserved. When you die a lonely man it is because you have pushed all the ones who know the real you away.