Someone Elses Turn

Oh lord, what an eventful weekend.
Ting and I went to Philadelphia for the Philly Salsa Jam. We spent the weekend at his friends house and I, ladies and gentlemen... had an experience.
I arrived before Ting did, I have a cousin in Philly and wanted to spend some time with him and see his apartment. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I left with Ting because we had an action packed weekend, so I opted to leave a little earlier and have Ting pick me up when he arrived at night.

I arrived, walked the city with my cousin, went to his place- and I got HOMESICK! WTF I had only been there for six hours and I was homesick. It usually happens if I am not being kept occupied, which was the case (my cousin is a very mellow dude, and his live in girlfriend is even more). Ting arrives and I had never been happier to see him. My homesickness had gone away.

Weird.

Moving on.

We went out to party that night. The next day we went to tour the city on the Ride the Duck tour, had lunch with his friends, saw the liberty bell, went out to dinner, went salsa dancing, and the next morning he surprised me with a trip to the aquarium! (He had remembered in conversation that I love the aquarium and anytime I am in a new city I try to visit their aquarium).

He was amazing.
And then it happened.

He asked me to be his girlfriend.

Sounds great, especially since I like the guy and I said YES... right?

I wouldn't ask the question if the answer wasn't no. So NO. What's the problem you ask? THE EX FIANCE.

He told me once, while arguing about something that had nothing to do with this (I had asked him "what were you thinking with?")  "I was thinking with my heart, if I thought with my head In My World I ROCK I wouldn't have asked you to marry me".
It hurt like all hell to hear that, funny enough now I am having to think with this mentality.

It is no secret that the ex fiance is something I have been battling with for a few weeks.

My heart loves him but my head is almost positive that there are so many things that are missing. Love is powerful, but it is not enough to make a successful relationship work.
I don't plan on telling him that I am seeing someone else, but I need to break the news to him that I need to stop thinking we will work. Or stop seeing Ting.

Rest Your Head, Dry Your Eyes, Baby You'll Be Alright- Ryan Donn

I have so many things happen that I think are funny enough to blog about and I just don't muster the energy to log on and write. I don't like to write when I am not happy... and obviously, right now I am not too happy.

Again, I hate the fact that all my recent post have become heavy to some degree and are about love and those in it.

Ting- I don't want to like him but I do. I enjoy him a lot. He isn't even my type physically. He is chubby but we have good talks, we laugh, we dance, we have sex- I get my rocks off and he doesn't. That's a whole other post within itself. He told me it has happened with almost every girl he has been with so I don't take too much offense to it. I told him he should go get his rocks off with someone who could keep up with him.
He took offense to this.
I enjoy when he kisses my hand.
I enjoy the way he caresses me when we lay together.
I love the fact that he can't stop kissing me. He wants to kiss all the time.
I catch him starring at me every once in a while. It reminds me of when Fitness used to do that. Remember him?

He is a little sensitive to certain issues, just like any other person that is falling in like with someone. He is a great communicator and likes to talk shit out right then and there. I have been so emotionally out of it that I don't really have the energy to make strong statements. I say what I have to say and keep it moving.


Ex Fiance- I am at a loss with what to do with him. There is no denying that I love him. I love him. I am going to be completely honest with myself. I don't think it will work out because the effort in him is different. He still comes to see me, and we speak EVERY DAY. But we don't go out on dates. He comes over right after work to see me for two hours before he has to run home to let the dogs out.

I can't bash him completely. He does ask me for time but I'm usually at salsa class the days he wants to go out. Salsa is the only thing keeping me sane right now, but I guess I need to skip a few classes if I want to give things with him a fair shot?

He plans on making a career of the military. Me, an army wife?

I refuse to give up until I can say I truly tried this time around. He isn't doing anything wrong, he just hasn't done anything to sweep me off my feet. I am used to him sweeping me off my feet. I think he is at a point where he is trying to settle himself. It is only fair I give him his time to do that. When I needed my time he gave it to me. I ended up dating Fitness, but he gave it to me none the less.

I'm not ready to walk away from him just yet.

Something is not letting me. Not yet.

I still remember the day I met him :)

Saltiest Kiss of My Life

I am back from vacationing at the Bahamas and although I had a horrible experience (I will touch base and elaborate on this later in the post) I did:

• Get to enjoy a hot day (I need to move somewhere hot. It truly puts me in a happy place. I hate the cold.)


• Swam with dolphins (check that off my "must do in life" list)


• Unexpectedly got kissed on the mouth by a sea lion (it was the sweetest, best, saltiest kiss of my life... And it came from a sea lion named Cassie. I kissed a girl, and I liked it.)


• Went down the slide on the Mayan Temple in the Atlantis resort (after walking up, chickening out, and being pep talked by the resort employee).

This vacation was an experience to say the least. I want to go back to my last post I Packed for Heat.
My sister Pang told me she had told my neighbor what happened and I immediately asked her "why?!" This caught me off guard, my neighbor is like family and we aren't ashamed to tell each other things. The reality of it is that I am embarrassed, and that's why I asked why.

Now that I have the time to write, let me go into further detail...
I had been drinking a good amount- I usually don't depend on alcohol but I could tell to survive 3 nights with this guy I WAS GOING TO NEED IT.
We went to bed and I started to doze off. I should have woken up when I felt him attempt to come snuggle with me. I kind of just tried to push him off and repositioned myself and KNOCKED OUT. I can't even tell you how much time in between that and the moment he started to rub the inside of my leg happen but I remember feeling that but still sleeping. Apparently I moaned when he went down on me (I found this out through conversation with him later)...
He went in and when he flipped over to put me on top is when I finally was forced to kind of wake up. I was so dizzy. I thought to myself wtf is going on. It was my first night there so it took me a while to register that I wasn't home sleeping in my bed. I remembered that I was in the Bahamas with HIM and I opened my eyes, jumped off, and ran to the shower.
He asked me if I was okay, I said yes from inside the shower and replied "I hope you aren't mad at me..."
Now I'm just feeling hung over because the reality of what just happened took any drunkenness I had away... And I'm pretty pissed but not recognizing it because I'm still in disbelief.
I tell him to leave me alone and I go to sleep.

The next day we barely exchange words. I went to walk around and found the beach. I couldn't stop thinking about the ex fiance and how I wish I was there with him instead. I wanted to talk to him about what happened, he is a comfort of mine.

The guy finally brings it up and tells me he enjoyed making love to me. ::gag::
We exchange the following points.The conversation didn't go word for word like this but here are the key points...

IMWIR: I was drunk. If I was sober that wouldn't not have happened. It was a mistake and very poor judgement on my part.
Him: I didn't seem that drunk. I moaned and made suggestions that I was enjoying it. Do I feel like I was raped? Do I honestly feel this was a mistake?
IMWIR: I don't have to stagger to be drunk. People who know me can tell I am drunk by the look on my face and he knows I was drunk. I drank a lot, and he paid for them so he knows I drank a lot. Rape is a strong word so I won't use it but I do feel I was taken advantage of in a state where I could not make decisions. I not only had been drinking but already in slumber... The combination of the two is enough to put me in the wrong state for him to have tried that. That would have NEVER happened had I been okay.
Him: I can ask anyone and they will say me accepting the trip knows sex would probably be involved.
IMWIR: He booked a trip to the Dominican Republic for us before and his money went to waste because I never went for that reason and he knew the reason why. He knows how I feel about him, I never lead him on. I accepted this trip because he asked endlessly and I didn't want his $ to go to waste. He is a man, I didn't think I needed to sit and talk him through the rules of the game again. I never demonstrated they would have changed. Regardless, the moment to try that was not when I was drunk and sleeping.

This situation is open for interpretation. People will have their opinions, some will say I got raped (like the ex fiance), others will think that I got taken advantage of (which is what I prefer to say), some find no difference between the two. Whatever the case, it is an ugly situation.

To top it off- AFTER this conversation, I am looking through his camera (with his permission of coarse) and as I flip through them I see he took close ups of my crotch area- disgusting! All in all, I have never felt so violated- to top it off by a police officer.

His defense: he took a picture of every part of my body (my feet, eyes, butt, back of my head...) which he did.

I can't believe I even have a post up here like this...

Baseball Managing: COME TO MY TEAM

There are many things I've done that I thought I never would do...

There are many things I haven't done that I want to do...

Let me explain

My neighbor has this gay co-worker whom through out the years has become a good friend of hers. Let's call him Confused.

I got the chance to really see Confused at my neighbors birthday party in May. I know that one does not have to fit the stereo type but this guy does not look or act gay... and on top of that I think he is pretty good looking. Not usually what I am attracted to but he is a good looking guy.

I tell my neighbor this and she tells me that he has had one girlfriend when he was younger and I guess she scared him out of liking girls, so he was into guys BUT that he was attracted to my neighbor once and has never been with a girl so she says he is just confused. She says he shouldn't shut girls out completely until he has been with one. On top of that he is a real shy guy so for him to get to know a girl is difficult.

Halloween night comes along and my girls and I are looking better and sexy as ever. Confused comes in his Robin costume (I was dressed as a ballerina) and it all started in the car ride. We didn't have enough space so someone had to sit on top of someone else. Being that I am the smallest, I sat on top of Confused. My neighbor is winking at me the entire ride...

We get to the club and I was already into my third double shot of Vodka (I had been there 20 minutes) when I come back from the bathroom my neighbor says "IMWIR kiss Confused!".

I turn around and plant one on him. His lips were so soft that we just tapped... tapped... TONGUE. Yes, we were making out in the club. I spent my entire Halloween night making out with a gay guy. Most of the time I went to kiss him, that's how shy he was... or maybe it's that's how drunk I was???

We talked a lot. I can't remember half the shit we spoke about but at one point he is talking to me about his family and acceptance from his father. Good conversation to have at a Halloween party held in a strip club while drunk. I go on to tell him my story about the last time I tried with my father and that "I am still angry but he can pass away and I have no regrets, because I told him why". Mind you, now him and I are tearing in the club talking about this shit.

He says "give me your phone, I need to make a phone call". (He had lost his at this point at night)... We step outside and he is calling all his family members to try to get his dads phone number at 2 o clock in the morning crying. I was in utter shock at what was going on. I kept asking him "are you sure you want to do this?" He told me if he didn't do it at that moment, he was never going to do it.

I decided to back off, take a few steps back and just watch. He finally got his dads number and left him a voicemail that broke my heart. I started to cry watching him. It was basically telling him he knows he doesn't accept his life style and that's why he treats him different then the others but that he still loves him, and told him the reasons he was angry- mostly for things that he has done to his mother. That's all I will put up here out of respect for the situation.

When we left the club I got dropped off at his house, I told him I wanted to cuddle (he had to be up for work an hr and a half later). We lay down in bed and cuddle... and we started to fall asleep when I turned to face him and my hand landed on his inner thigh.

I got to business.

I wasn't too aggressive with anything, I kinda wanted to let him do what he wanted with me since he "had never been with a girl."

I'm calling bull shit when I see it.

Although he was very gentle (per my request) he knew what he was doing.

We ended up waking up LATE. He had to be at work at 7 and we woke up at 7:45.

I woke up with my thong and pantyhose hanging from one leg. I slipped it back on, threw on my leotard and tutu and walked out. This walk of shame reminded of something out of My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler.

He paid for my cab to go home and I stood outside of my building in my tutu hoping someone was awake to open the door. I had no keys or no cell phone on me. My mom was awake. I made up some bull shit excuse as to why was I coming home at 8 in the morning still in my costume and went to bed.

I am about to go talk to my neighbor now so I'll have his side of it later. He did tell her he wants more of me.

I had sex with a gay guy and I was the first girl he had ever been with. I might have just turned him straight.