I know I Am An Adult When I Am Making These Types Of Decisions...

Bloggers! Long time no see...

It's been over a month. I am sorry. Well, lots been going on! Where shall I begin. Right, well... this happened...

Yeap.

It was Tings.

You read right. WAS. I didn't keep it. It was a mutual decision. It is for the best, he and I aren't ready for that yet, it wasn't the right time for US. I had the support of a lot of people and felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders when the procedure was over. I know I did the right thing.
^ADULT DECISION 1^

HELLO NUVA RING!

Staying on the subject of Ting, I am in trouble. My feelings for him are just growing stronger and stronger. I am happy to have him as a friend and more. It hasn't been peaches and cream this entire time (obviously, see above lol). We've gotten through everything together and have kept GREAT COMMUNICATION through it all.

The ex-fiance. Oh man I just had a hard talk with him yesterday. I had to let him know that I had to let go for real. I know he and I aren't going to work, atleast not right now. He had his chance to slide back in when he came back from boot camp and he didn't take it. It is time for me to be fair to someone else. The ex-fiance still had hope for us and would guilt trip me for not answering his calls. It hurt, but it needed to be done. I am going to miss him.
^ADULT DECISION 2^

The NYPD called me. I don't want to jinx it so all I will say is there is a high chance of a large class going in July. This might be my turn. ::FINGERS CROSSED::


Ting has to go to Vegas for a week for work. He bought me my flight so we could spend some time together assuming I will be getting into the July academy. I didn't think I would look forward to spending an entire week alone with someone like this. I bought a few sexy little things to thank him ;o)... I'll let you know how it goes.
 
FYI I am almost up to my 100th blog and I don't know what to do with that lol.

Rest Your Head, Dry Your Eyes, Baby You'll Be Alright- Ryan Donn

I have so many things happen that I think are funny enough to blog about and I just don't muster the energy to log on and write. I don't like to write when I am not happy... and obviously, right now I am not too happy.

Again, I hate the fact that all my recent post have become heavy to some degree and are about love and those in it.

Ting- I don't want to like him but I do. I enjoy him a lot. He isn't even my type physically. He is chubby but we have good talks, we laugh, we dance, we have sex- I get my rocks off and he doesn't. That's a whole other post within itself. He told me it has happened with almost every girl he has been with so I don't take too much offense to it. I told him he should go get his rocks off with someone who could keep up with him.
He took offense to this.
I enjoy when he kisses my hand.
I enjoy the way he caresses me when we lay together.
I love the fact that he can't stop kissing me. He wants to kiss all the time.
I catch him starring at me every once in a while. It reminds me of when Fitness used to do that. Remember him?

He is a little sensitive to certain issues, just like any other person that is falling in like with someone. He is a great communicator and likes to talk shit out right then and there. I have been so emotionally out of it that I don't really have the energy to make strong statements. I say what I have to say and keep it moving.


Ex Fiance- I am at a loss with what to do with him. There is no denying that I love him. I love him. I am going to be completely honest with myself. I don't think it will work out because the effort in him is different. He still comes to see me, and we speak EVERY DAY. But we don't go out on dates. He comes over right after work to see me for two hours before he has to run home to let the dogs out.

I can't bash him completely. He does ask me for time but I'm usually at salsa class the days he wants to go out. Salsa is the only thing keeping me sane right now, but I guess I need to skip a few classes if I want to give things with him a fair shot?

He plans on making a career of the military. Me, an army wife?

I refuse to give up until I can say I truly tried this time around. He isn't doing anything wrong, he just hasn't done anything to sweep me off my feet. I am used to him sweeping me off my feet. I think he is at a point where he is trying to settle himself. It is only fair I give him his time to do that. When I needed my time he gave it to me. I ended up dating Fitness, but he gave it to me none the less.

I'm not ready to walk away from him just yet.

Something is not letting me. Not yet.

I still remember the day I met him :)

Good Bye Oh Nine

I just read StarGazr's last post and oh shit did my heart go out to her. She had a boyfriend (who she also referred to as boo!) who found out about her blog and that was that (I am assuming, I don't know any details). I found myself nostalgic, and not in a good way. I got this flood of emotions, the heart ache, feeling of desperation when you are in love and it isn't going your way.

I remember my heartache with El Difunto is what drove me to therapy (and it worked). By the time I had my falling out with the Ex Fiance I had experienced heartache and just applied my therapy to that situation. It was still hard (and as you can see still am struggling).

I look forward to reading her future posts, whenever she is ready to return! (Everyone needs their time to heal).
------------------------------------------------
New Years Eve is upon us. Ahhh yes!

• Little slutty dress ::check::
• Manolo's ::check::
• Homies in tow ::check::
  

12 bad girls have confirmed, a few more might surprise us. The little sis is legal now, this New Years will be a good one. The Ex Fiance might come to the club with us, if not, Pang offered her services for the New Years kiss (she was my New Years kiss last year... It was a pleasant surprise lol, she caught me off guard).

In 2009 I:
-broke off my engagement
-celebrated my 25th birthday in Ireland
-got Lasik
-dated Fitness (remember him?)
-fell in love with salsa
-went to the beach almost every other day this summer
-didn't get into the academy TWICE
-haven't worked all year. Thank you unemployment.
-moved back to my parents house
-had to give away my dog because I^
-had a weird relationship (not sexual) with a 40 year old man (Scarf)
-went on a cross country road trip
-went to the Bahamas
-for the first time experienced sex against my will
-swam with dolphins and sea lions
-sky dived
-learned how much I really love the Ex Fiance
-hosted a fundraiser
-drank a lot more then I've wanted to (I don't usually drink this much, and honestly think I have a bad reaction to alcohol. My heart beats weird the day after)
-build a tolerance for Merlot
-dressed up for Halloween
-was the first girl a gay guy has ever been with

Here is to a better 2010! See you next year bloggers :)

Where the Heart Is... Doesn't Exist. So I Relaxed.

Before you read: The Ex Fiance and I call each other boo... it's an inside joke.
The Ex Fiance has been back for a few days... I would say it's been a roller coaster of emotions, but it really hasn't. I have felt the same since the day he arrived AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM. I see him and I think to myself I had him.

I'll copy and paste a draft of a post, an email I sent him, and a text conversation I held with him.

The draft of the post:
Its Christmas and I just realized I'm in love with someone who no longer exist.

The Ex Fiance I love is no longer there. I can't expect him to go through a life changing experience like join the army and expect him to come back the same. Re-reading that last sentence... That's where I failed, I expected.
He is still himself in many aspects, but he isn't the same with me.

I don't get the cute morning text or phone call. He is okay with canceling plans because of his family almost every time we've had plans. (This I can understand, I'm not asking for all of his time. I just would like for him to give me some sort of importance and tell them "I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with you, I would like to see IMWIR in the evening").

His tolerance to things I say is not the same.

Sometimes it's good to write things down. As I read this I am stricken with more realization.

I've tried to bring up things but like I just mentioned- his tolerance is not the same.

I am in love with a person that is no more.

I need to accept it and let it go. Get to learn the new him...

The e-mail I sent him:
Hey Ex Fiance.
Sorry for the email... Its almost 2:30 am and I haven't really heard from you. Being that you've fallen asleep early all the days prior I'm going to assume you are sleeping and will not call.
I know I'm suppose to see you later today but- some things don't change. I need to get this out before I go to bed.
I love you very VERY much. So much so that the thought of us not ending up together in the future is something I never dealt with. I've done this to myself by setting expectations but the Ex Fiance that I love isn't there anymore. You are new and improved, and although it might not benefit me- it does benefit you. You are a better person and much more comfortable within yourself, that makes me happy for you.
That doesn't change the fact that you aren't the boy I fell in love with last year (perhaps now you are a man)... I loved the attention I got from you, the daily morning text, the daily good night calls, the way that I came first, your tolerance for me is not the same.
This isn't a break up email or an email telling you I don't want to be with you ever (I can't break up if we aren't together lol). However, I did tell you that I want to marry you and its not fair for me to say that. I cannot marry someone I don't know. I do want to get to know the new you though. I love you Ex Fiance and accepting this is not an easy thing for me.
<3
IMWIR

His response to this was that I need to relax, he is having a hard time adjusting to the civilian world (I don't want to know what he will be like if he ever does go to war... adjusting to coming back is going to be horrible for him). He wants to do things right this time with me.

I can understand, and so, I relaxed.

A text conversation went like this: (FYI: I was hanging out with another guy... )
Me: Ill be getting home late. Talk to you tomorrow maybe.
::EX FIANCE calls me but I don't pick up because I was busy::
Ex Fiance: Ahhhh man. I was giving u chill space. I know how you used to be when u were with friends. My heart is racing now because of that "maybe" word. I don't know anything anymore except u... =(
Me: I love you boo and I want YOU but I need to look out for myself- going through the last couple of days has been rough
Ex Fiance: I working things out boo...i am doing my best. I feel like ur moving further w/ each passing second
Me: I won't lie, I am. Doesn't mean I love u any less, but it isn't the sane- you've changed towards me and I won't fight it
Ex Fiance: Stop saying that. Stop. You need to give me more than one week to get adjusted. It doesn't happen right away. Please. Now i am back to begging you.
Me:Its hard, I know you need to do you that's why I've left you alone.
Ex Fiance: but I didn't ask you to leave me alone.
Me: you don't have to ask me to do it...
Ex Fiance: I know but pls don't leave me alone :(
Me: When I was on u told me I need to relax. I leave you alone u don't want that either.

Today my dating situation came up...
In a nutshell, I told him he is the one I love but maybe the timing isn't right, he isn't ready to have me in his life. I can't force him to be ready so I will continue dating. He is my #1 and whenever he decides to come around, if ever, he'll know where to reach me and hopefully I"ll be available.

He called me and explained he didn't want me dating anyone else, he is working on making US better. It might be taking a little longer, and time is working against us but to please work with him.

He also knows I've been talking to one of my closest friend the break dancer and has asked me to speak to him instead, he doesn't want me to stop turning to him when I need to talk.
I told him I still turn to him for a lot but there are certain things he does NOT need, me being emo about whats going on is one of those things. I tried talking to him about how I feel re: this situation and I was told I need to relax.

I have been working with him and I will continue as long as he keeps showing me he is working for us.

This is probably the last post about this situation, I prefer to keep it private.

Love the Good, Hack the Bad...

Being the TV junkie that I am, I was watching Tough Love on VH1 and one of the girls was being reprimanded for always having something set up before she left the guy.
I've known a few people who are guilty of this. My neighbor is one of them... And honestly, its wrong, BUT being human myself I can understand why. The distraction makes it easier to deal with. I have a few other friends who I know do the same thing.

When El Difunto dumped me I didn't have anything set up. Mainly because he left me and caught me off guard so I couldn't have anything set up. The heartache of that was so bad I have been guilty of having something set up before leaving the Ex Fiance (Fitness) to avoid feeling that again. When I left Fitness I didn't have something else set up so I know its not repetitive behavior.

Can you hack the pain?

I know I can't, not right now. This is how I know...
The Ex Fiance is here for a few days, I am very excited about this. I knew I loved him still, and I'm pretty sure my previous blogs gave it away but seeing him just confirmed it.
I had cancelled plans, and left my days open for him. The day after he got here he had to cancel last min because he was running Army errands. That was cool with me.
He tells me he is sitting down for dinner and will call me once he is done. Two hrs go by, I sent him a text telling him I will be salsa dancing, and I hope he enjoyed his very long meal. He calls me back to tell me he fell asleep after eating. Cool with me.
The next morning he and I are suppose to meet up at 10 am. I call him at 9:30 to see what his status is and he was still sleeping. He tells me he will sleep another half hour and then get ready. 2 hrs go by, he should have been in my house already, so I call him.

He was just hopping out the shower.

This is where I get pissed. He could have called me to tell me he was running late if he was already awake. I have literally put my life on hold for him, haven't gone christmas shopping for my parents, and he is being too laid back about me.

His response: IMWIR. I am laid back in general because for the past 5 months i have been on edge. Being yelled at for everything. And I thought you of all people would understand. I never told you to cancel plans with people. I never told you wait to buy your parents gifts. While i appreciate the fact that you are doing all that for me.
I told him I know he didn't ask me to do all that for him but I did it because I wanted to take advantage of the time he was here. I guess I had put too much of myself out there and he had just put everything into perspective for me. We had no obligations to each other and I already knew he was bothered by what had taken place, we didn't have to hang out that day.
His response was I dont get how you flip flop. I wanna come. I just dnt want drama the 3rd day I am here. I am sorry that you cancelled plans today and yesterday.

He came anyway, we had an okay day. I miss the old him, but am being realistic and accepting that he might not exist anymore. I am so into him though, my heart is invested to the point where I have put a wall up and am only allowing myself to enjoy him a certain amount because I don't feel the same in return.

This is why my answer is NO, I can't hack it.

Grand Canyon Lovin' Preview

I don't feel like doing too much writing about this so I will copy and paste a conversation I had on gmail with one of my best friends Break Dancer. Ladies, he is the shit.

Participants:-------------In My World I ROCK (IMWIR) , Break Dancer
Messages:---------
Break Dancer: Word! I hate itttttttt
IMWIR : Me too. I don't think anyone likes being broke
IMWIR: Yo so u want to hear the latest
Break Dancer: Tell me lol
IMWIR: I went to sleep over Scarfs house
IMWIR : ...
IMWIR : Where do I begiiiiin
Break Dancer First time?
IMWIR: Sleeping over, no- the first time I slept over was the night I THREW UP
IMWIR : Remember my blog
Break Dancer: Ooooh yea haha
IMWIR : K
IMWIR : So...
IMWIR : That time nothing happened cuz... Well... I was throwing up.
Break Dancer: Right
IMWIR: In short: 1-he is a horrible intense kisser (but okay when it isn't a heated kiss)... But great orally... 2- we didn't have sex because he told me he wants to wait until the grand canyon BUT he has a small package... 3- I couldn't stop thinking about the ex fiance.
Break Dancer: Woah
Break Dancer: Hold on
Break Dancer: Take it back lol
IMWIR : ...
IMWIR : To which one
Break Dancer: 1 you are just figuring out now he's a bad intense kisser like u say?
IMWIR : No
IMWIR: Wait
Break Dancer: Oooh ok
Anel : I said he is an okay kisser but you know when things get intense... Sometimes the kiss changes
Break Dancer: Lol yea
Break Dancer: Yo i'm laughing here
IMWIR: So he is horrible at the but when he is kissing anything that isn't my lips its great
Break Dancer: Hahahha
Break Dancer: Lmao
IMWIR : Lol
IMWIR : Jesus
Break Dancer: So a man that wants to wait? That's strange
Break Dancer: Also about his little problem. Tell him to try one of those pills on tv. Maybe it will work lol
IMWIR : I'm not telling him shit
IMWIR : After the road trip it won't matter
Break Dancer: Why?
IMWIR : I am still in love with the ex fiance.
Break Dancer : So after the trip u are going to dead scarf?
IMWIR : I don't know what to do
IMWIR : I enjoy him
IMWIR : And I know I'll have fun on this trip and its fucked up of me to go on this trip and accept all his dates knowing my heart is somewhere else.

*END CONVO*

Jesus how fuckeD up am I?

I really do enjoy Scarf but being in bed with him... didn't feel right.
When I was with Fitness I didn't mind being in bed with him at all.
How fucked up is it of me to think- thank god he wants to wait until the Grand Canyon, that's half way through the trip and the other 4 days my sister Pang will be sharing a room with us in Vegas! Then we have just 3 days.

I almost deleted that last bit because I felt THAT HORRIBLE writing it... but what's this blog for if I have to censor it?

Who knows- hopefully I come back from this trip and have to EAT MY WORDS because his intentions are super sweet. He wants me to dress up for a photo shoot in my elegant dresses in the Grand Canyon- he is bringing his professional camera for this.

He is booking a bunch of fun activities like a helicopter ride in the Grand Canyon, rock climbing, seeing shows...

Although, I probably won't be getting much sleep on this trip. HE SNORES.

I Know Too Much

This wasn't meant to be a blog about my dating life. Actually, I tried to make it a point to NOT make it about just boys but I guess all I have been doing is having fun- while dating.

Today I am going to flip the switch and write about something else that is very important in my life. MY PARENTS.

Usually I will write, and re write a blog but this one I am just winging it. I actually don't even know where to start...

I've always felt that I KNOW TOO MUCH. I love my mother, I've said it before- I have had, since little, an unhealthy attachment to that woman. She is my friend, actually, she is one of my better friends.

I think my mom feels the same about me. I think that sometimes it is hard for her to draw a line between mother and friend ONLY WHEN it comes to talking about her personal business. I feel like I KNOW TOO MUCH.

I've had my differences with my dad. Every fight I have had with him has been because of my inability to back down from something I think is unfair. I have my rights to judge him for what has happened between him and I. Honestly, I have judged him for things I know about him through my mother. I know that I know too much.

But how do you tell your mother, who you can tell is telling you these things because she needs an outlet... "Mom, stop... Maybe I shouldn't know all of this..."

I never said it. And today, I wish I did.
Let me explain...

When the ex fiance and I broke up I moved back home to a hostile situation between my parents. Shortly after moving back my parents "separated" and my mom has been sleeping on a couch in my room. At first I thought this was just one of their shenanigans.

It wasn't.

My mom still sleeps in my room.

My parents talk divorce.
He says my mom has put his personal business out there about problems they've had in the bedroom, and my mom has just had problems with him for years...

My mom suffers from depression and insomnia. I think what has been helping her has been READING.

While at the library, she is at the Spanish books section just flipping through books and finds this book of magic where there is a section about insomnia. She decides to look at a few other books in that genre and finds that a few of them have a insomnia section. She takes 3 out and brings them home.

My dad comes home and finds this. It triggers his curiosity so he looks through all her books and of coarse he finds two more.

He approaches my mom about this, starts to fight to her that he thinks she is into some brujeria. That there is a smell in the house that she refuses to explain (its a glade plug in... and she refuses to tell him what or where it is because then he will remove it), and then he finds these books.

My mom and him start going back and forth about snooping through each others shit, and a bunch of other things.

I am in the bathroom getting ready for an event while this is happening and I start to get that feeling of anxiety so I shut the door and put the music up. Pang is in our bedroom and she does the complete opposite, she lowers the music so she could hear better lol.

Anyway, my mom comes up to me today and asks me if I heard what happened yesterday. I smirk and say yes. She goes on to repeat the entire argument as she saw it and tells me that at night she was thinking that once he told her that he thinks someone did some brujeria (witchery) to him. After he saw that book that maybe he thinks the reason why he is IMPOTENT is because she was the one who did it to him.

MY HEART DROPPED, I tried not to react to what I was hearing.

I kind of wish I didn't know. I know that I know too much.

Cold Rain

Things have been on the up and up with Scarf. Totally unexpected, I didn't want to like anyone right now because I still have something for the Ex Fiance. I don't know what to call what I still have for him. I still love him very much, I care about him, and I get excited when I speak to him. (I am still very much aware of the troubles we had and his family).


Scarf is so easy to spend time with, and he's got his shit TOGETHER. I'm not talking money, I mean everything. He has got himself together. Hanging out with him is so worry free and I really enjoy that.

I had gone hosiery shopping for my Halloween costume. I needed a specific type and wasn't finding it anywhere. I spent 3 hours going from store to store looking. Scarf suggested I go to Loehmann's, according to him they usually have everything (I had never been to the store). The next day, its cold and raining (both I dislike, its just uncomfortable being out in that type of weather). He tells me he is in the city and asks if he could pick me up. He picked me up and we head downtown... IN SEARCH OF MY PANTYHOSE. WOW, now that's a man. He had a list of stores ready for me to check out. Luckily, we found them at the first store, LOEHMANN'S. (I'm still trying to figure out how we would know this store would have them... AND he was the one who found them!).


He wasn't ready to stop hanging out with me so quickly, so he invited me to go see the movie Good Hair. Funny movie if you like Chris Rock humor. I won't ruin the movie for those of you who have not watched it but it reminds me of the movie Borat.

We got to the theater a bit early, so we started talking. He asked me about the current situation with my father and I told him about a conversation my dad had with my aunt (That Girl's mother) and how he said I am good for nothing and I am going through this phase where I don't want to work. Also, that he is the one who kicked my mom out the room and he wants a divorce and my mom not to dare deny him a divorce (FYI: my mom left their room because she wanted to and has asked him for a divorce on numerous occasions).


We spoke about that for a little while and he mentioned how uncomfortable certain things might be for me and if I ever need to get away his place has an open door. If I ever want to be alone at his place without him there he will find something to do... He wants me to know he is someone I can count on. I make fun of his old age all the time but with his old age comes a lot of experience and understanding.


Side note: I met him just as his birthday passed and offered to take him to dinner for his bday when we first hung out so I took him to Max Brenner after the movies where we started talking about our Grand Canyon Salsa Road Trip. Las Vegas is only 2.5 hrs away from where we were originally stopping so we have just added Vegas to our trip where we will be going to see a Cirque du Soleil show :), and dance more salsa!



Scarf asked me some good questions about my dad... In short, here is how I feel about the situation: You can read a little about my father here


I was very angry at him, FOR YEARS (I spent 7 yrs where the only time we exchanged words was when we argued). I was angry at him for many reasons, for the beatings, for his demeanor, for the way he treated my mother and my sisters, and especially for the fucking fake persona he had. People outside the walls of Apt 1E do not know who that man is.


Then, I grew up and tried again but the man was the same. I gave up until he broke down in front of me over something that was happening between him and my mother. I intervened because it broke my heart to see him cry. Don't ask me why. But the man was the same. I gave up and was very angry.I saw a therapist for El Difunto once and she spoke to me about my father and that opened my eyes to something. I had a fear. A huge fear that my dad would pass away and I never told him "dad, this is why I hurt..." I don't know why I figured I could have solved things with words when it came to him. I sat him down and laid it all out for him.


It was a long conversation from my end, and I cried the entire time I spoke. I looked at him in the eye at the end and told him that I didn't want him to pass away and I had all this anger in my heart about shit because at the end of the day I hurt because I love him. If I didn't I wouldn't. All I wanted to know was that he was sorry for some of the things, or to just admit he was wrong, or to admit he was a little aggressive. He looked at me back and told me I deserved everything I GOT.


Stubborn mother fucker.


At that point I had to just stand up and walk away because really, what else is there for me to do? My mother was sitting there and even her jaw dropped to the floor when he exchanged those few words with me.


What I am trying to get at is after that day I no longer have the fear. My mission when it comes to him is to steer clear, let him be him and me stay out of the way. So if he thinks I'm good for nothing, that's cool. I know he'll be the first one gloating when I get to where I want to be.


My father is going to die a very lonely man. He doesn't know how to take care of what matters and I honestly feel sorry for him. My dad is like cold rain...

Cap on Phone Calls at 25

I haven't felt much like blogging lately...

In my last post, my cousin THAT GIRL asked me why am I still talking to my Ex Fiance.

The Answer: The same reason she still talks to NOTtheOne and the same reason the majority of the female population talk to their ex's even though they know they shouldn't... I DON'T KNOW!

Which leads me to my next topic- I hung out with the Ex Fiance yesterday and it just reminded me of why I fell for him to begin with. It is a thing of comfort I suppose. I can be my true self with him and not worry about a thing. Inside jokes, passing gas, all that good stuff. If the guy wasn't such a damn liar. UGH. Needless to say- we held hands and kissed. It felt great.

You guys are probably wondering "what about Fitness? Poor thing". POOR THING NOTHING! He and I haven't been in the best of terms, not that that is any excuse...

BUT... the blog is called LET ME TELL YOU MY SIDE, because in this blog... my side is what matters.

As you get to know someone, their true colors come out. Fitness has a strong personality and so do I. When we disagree we have the ability to talk without raising our voice but he will not back down and then get's a little cold and somewhat of an attitude and then when I adress him about it he calms down and acts like he didn't have an attitude to begin with.

Keep in mind the following pionts before I tell you this story:

1. I live in the city, I take the train.


2. I check my voicemail about 3 times a month. (Text me if you want me to get back to you).


3. I rarely pick up the phone when I am at a table eating.


4. Fitness is a personal trainer, and each of his appointments start at _:00 on the dot.

Got that? Cool.

I went downtown to meet up with the Ex Fiance and have lunch. Fitness knows this. Didn't have a problem with it. When I get out of the train I see I have a voicemail. I don't check it.

The Ex Fiance and I are ordering a quick meal at Pax and I receive a phone call from my little sister and my best friend... We kind of give each other this look and I put my phone on silent. We sit down to eat...

When we are walking to the Macy's after lunch I remember that I had put my phone on silent. I take it out of my purse to put it on normal, and see I have a missed call from Fitness along with a text stating that he has called me twice. I send him a text back because I know he was at work saying "sorry, I was at lunch". I didn't call him back BECAUSE I KNOW HE WAS AT WORK.

I come home and as I am getting out of the train I get another text saying that he called me again, I can kind of tell he is a little bothered. I text him "I just got out of the train". I immediately get a call from a bothered Fitness.

His arguement, he called me three times and hasn't been able to contact me.

My arguement, I got one of those three phone calls because twice he called while I was on the train. He knows I don't check my voicemail so if he wanted me to call him back like he said in the voicemail he left he would have mentioned it in the text he left when he told me he called. I didn't call back because everytime I noticed it was already passed the whatever o clock, he could have been with a client. Usually he calls me when he has some free time. Plus, it was only 5 o clock. He got out of work at 9, he is getting pissed as if he hasn't spoken to me for an entire day, he would have received a call at 9 when I knew he got out of work.

At the end of the conversation he tells me to call him later. I tell him to call me when he gets home from work, once he finishes unwinding.

He says "I called you enough today"

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

The Story Behind the Men Series: El Difunto

This probably should have been the first one to write about... But I wanted to take my time with this one.

When I was 15 my cousin Mother Theresa and I were going to go out with a friend ice skating. The third party flaked, Mother Theresa and I decided to go anyway. We had no idea where the rink was, we asked an MTA worker and they gave us 3 different locations. We still had no idea where we were going and ironically, while on the train, we see two girls with ice skates. NICE! We followed them without them knowing.

We end up in Wollman Rink in Central Park.

This day changed my life in many many ways.

Once there, we recognize nobody. We get our rentals and get our asses on the ice. There are these people called RINK RATS who know how to skate very well (my cousin and I were later to become known as one of these). The guys use this skill to pick up chicks. El difunto was one of the good skaters but he was very to himself.

I can't really remember too well but I noticed him looking at me a few times. During an ice break he was sitting near me and I was having trouble tying my skates tight. He heard me suck my teeth, or sigh, and asked me if I needed help.

... We skated together the rest of the night...

The next week I went again, and we shared our first kiss. I still remember exactly where on the ice it happened. (I ended up working at Wollman Rink for 6 years, I know that rink like the back of my hand).

El difunto became my boyfriend but I quickly ended it when he told me he loved me about a month after we started dating. I was about to turn 16 and it was too much for me at the time. He told me I would be his wife one day and that he will wait until I am ready. For the following YEARS we were on and off- but always talking even when we weren't dating.

At 23... We were hanging out, he was trying to teach me to drive stick shift and I looked to my right to express my frustrations and concerns and he had this look in his face that just melted my heart. I can't even describe it but I finally saw, next to me was a guy who LOVED me and would do a lot to make me happy... And obviously I enjoyed him.

I decided that day to give him my all.

I fell in love, like really in love but we had a lot of problems. I was still very much of a "free spirit" and he didn't like that, he was very jealous. I have a lot of guy friends and that bothered him, I like to dance a lot and that bothered him. My argument is, you have known me since I was 15... You know the way I am, why would you try to pursue a relationship with someone you KNOW is this way. His answer: because he loved me.

Four months after constant bickering about this things just kept getting worst.

I go to his house to try and work things out because he was being an ass hole, I didn't want to talk over the phone. He told me not to go, but I was FED UP... We needed to figure something out because we couldn't keep going the way we were.

I get to his house and things are weird. We start some fore play... And then have sex. As soon as he cums- he gets off and goes to the bathroom. He comes back with his boxers on, I am still naked on his bed and tells me it is over...

...WHILE I AM NAKED ON HIS BED...

I tell him there are only so many smacks to the face a person can take before they realize what's happening. This was my last slap to the face, no matter how in love I was.

I must admit, I played it off as well as I could for someone who had just gotten dumped while still naked after sex... Once I got home that's when the water works began. My mom was in the living room sitting on the couch, I laid my head on her lap and cried my eyes out. Pang walks in to find me puffy eyed, and red nosed from crying so much. As soon as she learns what happened she asks me if I want to go out for a drink. At this point anything to get my mind off of this shit will do. I get up and go.

We end up in Pizza Bar and I got retartidly drunk off of Martinis. I got home and had a one on one moment with the toilet. It was nice, I appreciate the toilet being there for me. Once I throw up I loose my ability to get up right away, so I laid down on the bathroom floor. My mom woke up (its like 4 a.m.) and brought crackers for me to eat on the bathroom floor. That's all I remember, that and my little sister taking pics of me and all I could manage to do from the bathroom floor was give her the finger with a smile on my face. GOOD TIMES eh?

The following weeks he turned into the biggest ass hole. I had left some brand new Coach sunglasses in his car, we scheduled to meet up and the mother fucker stood me up THREE TIMES. Then when I would try to reschedule for ME TO GET MY GLASSES BACK he would give me attitude like you wouldn't believe... That's when he decided to pick up the phone.

I needed to get rid of everything that reminded me of him. This break up was turning me into someone I wasn't: I was drinking (I hardly drink), I was bitter about seeing other couples, I was a lot more to myself. I noticed when my parents approached me about this two months after the break up. I decided enough is ENOUGH. Despite my short comings I was good to him and I didn't deserve this, and he wasn't worth my tears. I went to his house and left all the letters, birthday cards, valentines day cards, cute napkin notes that he had given me over the 7 years. I didn't personally give it to him, I put it in a yellow envelope and left it on his car windshield.

That was my step one to recovery.

Step two. GET HELP. People say it takes one month per year that you were together for you to get over the person/relationship. Fuck this, I wasn't going through this for another 5 months. I like instant results (its a problem I know) and I needed to speed this baby up! Hello Therapist!

Personally, that was the best thing I could have done. I walked out of that therapist office every Friday feeling better then ever.(by Tuesday I couldn't wait to go see her again)

He found out I was engaged and was not happy about that. He confessed that he had planned on proposing to me on Valentines day (9 months after he left me)... But found out I was engaged and then he realllllllly didn't want to know about me. I was suppose to be "his" wife. Pfffffffffft. NIGGUH PUHLEEZ. You don't want me to get started on my thoughts about this.

He has always been very immature in the way he goes about handling his anger. I've been asked a few times if I would go back.

I didn't know until recently.

He started to slowly talk to me again. In this, he showed me some people NEVER CHANGE.

All Men Cheat?

SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT CRAZY!

Fitness (surprise surprise, another blog about Fitness lol) and I were talking on the phone about his work. He is telling me about this situation at work and here are they key points that lead to my discomfort:

• He met his manager at work for the first time who is an older female. Doesn't bother me.
• She seems a little friendlier with him then with the rest of the trainers. Still doesn't bother me.
• He thinks she has a crush on him. Nope, doesn't bother me...
• She jokes with him in a flirtatious way. Doesn't bother me.
• He jokes back with her. WHOA WHOA WHOA.
  

OK OK... I think of myself to be a pretty understanding person now that I am older (because I definitely wasn't when I was younger). I don't care if someone flirts with my boyfriend, I nor he cannot control the actions of another person, so why get upset at him?

WHEN YOU "JOKE" BACK ITS A PROBLEM.

I mean fine, I do believe in innocent flirting if you guys are not attracted to each other but if you know the old hag is crushing then why do it?

I spoke to him about this and everything is fine now. The woman is not a threat anyway, and I don't think, at this point atleast, that he would be doing something like that. It is very out of character for him. This happened a few weeks ago but I figured it was worth mentioning on a blog.

On another note... We were having wine night (the girls get together at a friends house, drink and talk shit till 5 in the morning) and obviously we were talking about men.

In attendance were:

1. Sassy Daisy (one of my GIRLS)
2. Big Bootay (a friend I met through Sassy)
3. NOT Eye Candy (a girl I met through Big Bootay, she is not that pretty but worth hanging out with because she is FUNNNNNAAAYYY)
4. Myself (IMWIR)

NOT Eye Candy is being very adamant about the following statement: ALL MEN CHEAT.

I disagree with this statement and her response to me is...

NOT Eye Candy: You are naive and this is why you will get cheated on.

IMWIR: What does it matter if all men cheat anyway?

Personally, she must be bitter about something but I wasn't going to take it there. I just let it go. She says it doesn't have to be physical, it can be by just looking. Jesus, doesn't everyone look? Fuck, I look at girls too if they are really hot, does that mean I am a lesbian and a cheater?

The good, the bad, and the FAT

I am gullible when it comes to things I don't have good knowledge on. I trust peoples words more then I probably should sometimes.

Chicago Sane is looking out by telling me that I need to be careful with false positives and I should get a second opinion in a few but killed my buzz lol- now I'm nervous all over again! Although McDreamy did say they would have to do another paps mere in a few months...
ChicagoSane, are you a blogging gyno?

Fitness does not like butterflies... They creep him out.

I do not like insects. I am fearful of them, and by fearful I mean the following things start to happen:

• Light headedness
• Rapid heart beat
• Inability to think properly- I just think RUN
• Sometimes gagging

This past weekend Fitness and I went to the zoo. I went to the zoo in Ireland but this was the first time I had gone to this specific zoo in about 3 years. When we get there I see they have a BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT. I heard the last time Fitness went to one of these things he almost punched a butterfly. Yeah, grown ass man fighting a butterfly. Ali said FLY like a butterfly, not fight the butterfly.

Out come my devil horns. I make him go into the butterfly exhibit, I want a good laugh.If you want a prime example of a plan backfiring here it is:

We walked into this tent and literally HUNDREDS of butterflies are roaming free. FIVE are in my face and instead of Fitness freaking out I turn whiter then I am, I got lightheaded and stuck my face in between Fitness arm and side.

I asked if I could walk out the entrance (with my face still dug in him) and they tell us no, we have to walk to the back and go through the exit...

MY PLAN COMPLETELY BACKFIRED. Instead of watching him freak out I was the one who freaked out. In fact, he told me that watching me that way helped calm him down and although he still doesn't like butterflies he thinks this experience has cured his fear. I'm glad I am able to help someone out there ::enter sarcastic smile here::

_________________________________________________________________

Now that we are on the topic... I think a lot of my attraction to Fitness is physical. Actually, scratch that, I know it is physical. If he was fat I wouldn't have liked him to begin with. I don't feel that bad about this though because he told me he can't picture being with a big girl.

I questioned him on this- I think its a little unfair being that sometimes girls have to bear children and loose their shape, get saggy skin or boobs you know... And he said that he wouldn't leave his wife or woman he loves for it unless she got obese and didn't want to do anything about it but at this stage in his life physical attraction is very important.

Opinions anyone? What's your take on dating big people?

The Story Behind the Men Series: Fitness

A few years ago a sorority sister of my blood sister PANG had randomly text me for a favor. She was writing an article for the New York Post about Cinco de Mayo and needed people to come pose for some photo's for free.

Me in a newspaper, I'M ALL FOR IT.

I was working at Wollman Rink at the time and I guess whoever made my work schedule forgot that they said it was okay for me to take the day off. I had gotten a phone call from the manager on shift asking me where I was, and why was I late...

I explained that the manager in charge of the schedule knew and confirmed that I can have the day off.

They asked me to come in anyway. I was on my way to the train station ready for the photo shoot. I thought about it... I felt bad for the manager calling me, he was and still is a friend and I know he wouldn't ask if he didn't need me.

I told them to try and find someone else, if absolutely no one else could make it I would take a cab from the photo shoot to work.
I never got a phone call...

You never know the moments that can start a chain of events.

At the photo shoot I knew NO ONE except Pangs soro sis. Fitness was there and was one of two guys who kept constant conversation with me going.

The photo shoot was hilarious. We had to sit at the dinner table ACTING like we were eating. One photo he had to pour a drink in my glass as I sat at the dinner table. He had to pour slowly so the photographer could get a few good shots and the whole time he and I could were fighting the fake smiles, we wanted to burst out in laughter.

He had a girlfriend and at the time I was seeing El Difunto (his story is coming soon, I promise). We exchanged screen names to keep in touch and kept it moving.

We spoke a few times on AIM. Nothing ever really happened. Then Facebook became popular, we found each other through that... but no big deal. He was one of those people you accept because you know them and I'm pretty sure it was the same for him.

He invited me to a few house parties that he had, and his birthday but I never went.

::Fast Forward maybe 3-4 yrs later::

While going through hard times with the Ex Fiance it happened. I wrote something on my Facebook status along the lines "I can't believe it". Fitness has a good sense of humor and wrote something funny but then realized (I am assuming its from comments other people had left) that it was something serious. He felt horrible and wrote me a message apologizing and expressing how bad he felt and how sorry he is to see that I am hurt. He asked if I wanted to go talk over coffee.

I've never been one to be discreet about my business, or at least things that are obvious. I like to talk about my problems, and why not talk to a somewhat fresh face. Sometimes talking to your friends isn't your best bet because their feedback might be biased, and rightfully so.

We met up in Starbucks on West 4th, you could tell he was a little nervous for some reason. I could NOT stop looking at his guns. Man, I never really understood how men undressed women with their eyes in public UNTIL I met up with Fitness. I straight up wanted to take his clothes off. ::cleaning up drool:: what were we talking about?
Oh yeah, we took our coffee and sat at a pizza shop...

...

...

We spoke for 2 and a half hours.

The only reason I left was because I had already told my sister I would meet up with her at a bar to celebrate an accomplishment at work.

When we said goodbye we gave each other a hug. I thanked him for the coffee and good talk and he said that we should hang out again.

While at the bar I text him to let him know I arrived, and thanked him again. He responded "maybe dinner next time?".

... That's how it all began...

A little mathematics: Fitness + no clothes = very sexy.

You say Po-ta-toe, I say Po-ta-toh

The reason why I find this picture hilarious is because Facebook has almost gotten me in some shit. The ex fiance posted a picture of us kissing so that Fitness could see once. He was trying to fuck up my flow man! MOVING ON...

Today the ex fiance has asked to meet with me. He met me on my way to Dello Russo for my follow up appointment (read LASIK). What a mistake.

The first sign that this was going to be one of those: I took my phone out of my pocket and checked my messages.

Ex Fiance: so we are going to start with this again. You ignore me when you are with other people...

IMWIR: Ex Fiance please! Don't start...

After the appointment, on the crosstown bus back to the train... It starts. (FYI: he doesn't know Fitness and I are in a formal relationship). Ex Fiance begins with why I don't want to kiss him. I tell him we aren't together.

He brings up the cable bill (he took over paying the cable bill that is under my name and let the bill get up to $400) and how he is bothered that my mother keeps pushing me to call to make sure he has paid.

I tell him my mother is just looking out for my credit. Every week he says he paid and every week I get a phone call from time warner.
That turns into "your parents think I am an asshole, anything good I've done gets overshadowed by my mistakes".

IMWIR: you've made a lot of mistakes.

Ex Fiance: so have you.

IMWIR: ok, you have your opinions and I have mine. The past is the past, we can leave it there.

Ex Fiance: oh now you want to say the past is the past...

::tosses a bag to his left where I am sitting and it hits my face::

IMWIR: whatever EF... We are on a bus, we aren't together, we don't need to keep talking about this.

Ex Fiance: can I get my closure

IMWIR: sure

He tells me his ItalianMobFriend found Fitness already, to be ready for a world of hurt.
I do not respond to this.

He asks me if I love Fitness. I am NOT stupid, I know what this will turn into... I tell him ill talk about him and I. Not about Fitness and I.

He asked me if I have slept with Fitness. Not answering the question gave it away. I wasn't going to lie... I have slept with Fitness and IT IS AWESOME.

He tells me I could do way better then Fitness. I am still shut... I refuse to talk about this with him. He doesn't know Fitness and the reasons why I choose to dedicate my time to him. He is being bitter. I guess if I was in his shoes though so would I???

He asked me if it was about the money? And I told him that although he was a great provider I wouldn't put up with this for money... (We both lost a lot of money by not going through with the wedding)

He tells me he has broken his back for me and in the next relationship I am I need to be more understanding.

IMWIR: so when I'm constantly getting lied to I'm suppose to take it with a grain of salt?
Ex Fiance is getting pissed and tells me he wishes Fitness breaks my fucking heart so I can feel the pain that he is in. Whoever he ends up with next is going to be a lucky girl.

IMWIR: that's fucked up Ex Fiance. But its cool, I never wish any bad on you though. And yes you are right, whoever you end up with is a lucky girl.

Most of this conversation was him talking and me not responding.

He wishes Fitness can continue in his business with broken legs.

To this I chuckle.

He says he isn't kidding.

I tell him to tell ItalianMobFriend to look for me instead... If I was "cheating" it was my fault not Fitness.

He continues with his questions.I continue to not answer most, because I feel we have gone through this 20 times.

IMWIR: I am not going to keep doing this. This is mentally exhausting. Get what you need to say out and after this I'll go my way and you, please, go yours. Are you done?

This is where he turned it. Now it turned into the I love you so much, I hate myself for being in love with you stuff. Then he asked me if we can still sleep together.

Que BUZZER NOISE.

He waits for the train with me and keeps asking me for a kiss and tells me he is sorry and he loves me. At this point I will give everything I have for the train to come, I just want to get out of this situation.

He hits me up when I get back home like if this didn't just happen. I speak with Fitness and I am really contemplating changing my number.

Just so you guys see this up and down... I sent him a text reiterating that maybe we should just cut contact for a while, seeing and speaking to him is doing nothing good for me and obviously he cannot handle seeing me as just a friend. I wished him happiness and no more heartache.

Ex Fiance: I was being immature IMWIR. I understand about moving on. I do. But I have it in me to do so as your friend and it doesn't have to mean seeing less of you. My heartache is something I can cope with. IMWIR- you are still my best friend. IMWIR- you are a huge part of the person I am. And I want to see you quite a bit before my ship date, please.

(Oh did I forget to mention he said he is joining the army now? )... I will believe it when I see it, he says his ship date is in two weeks. The only reason I have a hard time believing this is because he just started a VERY good job (if it was about the money I would have stayed with him now that he is currently making over 150k).

My Public FUCK YOU

Those who know me know I don't have a good relationship with my father.

We both have very strong personalities. He doesn't back down, and I don't back down.

The man is almost impossible to get along with.

I had 7 years I didn't speak to him because when I did- it would turn into a fight, so I cut off all communication... And we lived in the same house.

A few years ago (very recent) I decided- I didn't want him to pass and I am still angry about a lot. So I sat down and spoke to him.

I pleaded my case and said all I want is some sort of apology.

He told me I deserved everything I got.

It took everything in me that day to stand up and walk away without saying anything or crying. But I did it. You would think I would have learned my lesson then.

At one point I thought MAYBE IT IS ME. But I see the relationship my sisters have with him, and the advice my mother gives me and I realize- the guy is just an asshole. Yes, my father = a butt hole.

Yesterday I wanted to sit down with him and tell him about the ex fiance and i- let him know we aren't together so that he doesn't keep complaining that nobody talks to him and he has to find shit out through the grapevine.

My mom suggest I don't do it.

I decide to treat him the way he is requesting and I speak to him.

I sat down and told him that I wanted to talk to him. By now he knows that the ex fiance and I are not together, we were having our differences- he lied about a few things, and it was just not working out.

He asked me if it was over for real.

I said yes.

He then told me not to think I'm going to be running loose that he already noticed I started acting crazy. (I go out too much according to him).

I am giving you the PG version...

I told him I am 25, going out has never gotten in the way of school or work, I have never been in trouble- never came home pregnant... You guys asked for a BA from me and you got it.

Regardless, this conversation isn't about that- I just wanted to address the ex fiance issue with him personally.

To him I say stupid me for even trying... you are the one who gets what you deserve... And not the way he thinks I got what I deserved. When you die a lonely man it is because you have pushed all the ones who know the real you away.

To be or not to be...

Fitness and I have been spending a lot of time together, and in constant contact.

This past weekend I slept over his house after a night out celebrating his best friends sisters birthday. These people are bar people. Good times but I need some music in my life.

Back to the point.

We get to his room.

Lay down on the bed (clothes still on).

I start to rub his head, he just got a fresh cut.

He falls asleep. (Understandable, the guy works a lot, and hardly sleeps during the week and had a few drinks).

I decide to get up, put on my PJs... Brush my teeth... And go to bed.

Problem is:

1. 
   
   he is laying on the sheets


2. 
   
   he is out cold


3. 
   
   his room is freezing


4. 
   
   I have a cold. I tried waking him up- it didn't work.

I tried to push him over, the guy is pure muscle OUT COLD...I decide to put on one of his hoodies and try to knock out. At this point I've been shivering for an hour and a half, I need to do something. I try to wake him up once more. No luck. I text OS She recommends throwing cold water in his face, I opt to leave him a message and leave.

I leave...

I realize, its 5:30 a.m. and I have no idea where the damn train is.I give him a call... He doesn't pick up.FUCK.I stop a cab to ask and he tries to get me to take it from Brooklyn to Manhattan, long ride- I opt out and give Fitness another call.

HE PICKS UP! Confused as all hell he asks me to please come back. We must have just missed each other because when I arrived to the front of his house he was where I told him I was when I called the second time. I see him walking to the front of the house towards me with an extra sweater in hand for me. That made me smile... Too bad I already had one of his sweaters on (hehe). :x We get inside and he asks for a moment and goes to the bathroom. I originally think he is going to throw up BUT hear nothing (that ability to hear a pin drop kicks in). He walks out and comes onto the bed next to me. He looks off. I ask him what's up, and he almost started to cry (got to love the alcohol).

He felt horrible for what just happened. He felt he was being a horrible host. Apparently he is suppose to protect me and keep me warm and he let his sloppiness get in the way of that.

Here I am thinking he might have gotten bothered because I got up and left in the middle of the night... Instead the man looks like he is close to tears because his sloppy drunkenness was the cause of me leaving.

I told him it was a little messed up but given the circumstances (how little he sleeps and he was drinking) that I can understand, it will happen to anyone.

Then we had great sex.

I worry I was a little too loud and the roomie might have heard me :x. (He wants to move into his own place soon, turning 27 with two roommates isn't working for him).

I'm writing this on the train and there are Mexicans performing with an accordion and a guitar, reminds me of Nacho Libre and I can't concentrate lol.

When Dominicans play the accordion- they make it sound good is all I have to say.

Ok they stopped.

So the next day I was asked on a dinner date (by someone else). I thought about it... Fitness keeps telling me that he wants to be with me but worries that I might need time since I just moved out of the ex fiances apartment. He says this EVERY TIME something about us comes up so maybe I need to take a hint, since once he said maybe I need time to do what single people do.

I accept the dinner date.

I battle if I should tell Fitness or not. We have a very friendly relationship and I didn't want to lie... I've had enough of that these past few months.

I text him.

He calls back.

He doesn't understand why I would go on a dinner date after the conversation we had the day before (we aren't really interested in seeing other people). I explained to him the whole thing about how he always brings up me needing time...

He said he was just putting me first, and didn't want to be an additional burden if I felt I had stuff I needed to get over. He and I have had conversations about how I feel regarding my break up with the ex fiance.

Fitness: are you serious about not wanting to see other people?

IMWIR: I am serious. I enjoy you a lot.

Fitness: I don't want the fact that you were going on a dinner date to be the basis of this. I have been wanting to be in a formal relationship with you but haven't asked because I didn't know if you were ready but will you be my girlfriend?

IMWIR: ::laugh:: where do I circle yes?