Semi Nude Photo Shoots and God in one blog

That's right bitchessss (and I mean that with love)...

This girl right here is taking her semi nude photos on Wednesday.

It's something I've always wanted to do but never found the courage, the money, or the body wasn't right.

I am 25 and my body is as good as it is going to get unless I start to starve myself. I am 5'2 average weight 102 pounds. After a weekend of dancing I am 99 lol.

I've been letting my bush grow so I can get a Brazilian wax the day before the shoot. I can't stand hair on my body so this has been a tough one for me. I went to the beach twice this weekend and had to try to pull off a string bikini with a bush.

I went in the water and after every wave I would stand hunched over holding my crotch like a little kid that had to pee.

If the pictures come out good maybe I will block out my face and put one up. BIG MAYBE.

Love life update: Fitness and I had our first real fight this weekend... over my way of handling the possibility of wanting to move to Florida if I don't get into the NYPD academy... and this is when I realized, I care for this doof more then I thought I did.

I had been training for an agility test I HAD to pass if I wanted to even be considered for the JULY NYPD class... I had taken this test and failed it before because I hadn't been working out as hard... the people there remembered me and were so supportive. I think a few of them were trying to flirt but FUCK IT- I was too nervous to care.

As I began the test I thought I was going to take a shit in my sweats. I paced myself to make sure I didn't exhaust myself for the next stage (it was 6 stations- a 6 foot fence climb, a stairs section, pulling and pushing 80 pounds of force, a short jog, a 180 pound dummy pull, and a trigger test- shoot 16 times each hand... sounds easier then it is).

I PASSED.

I really want this. I feel cheated out of this experience, I was suppose to get in January and the mayor decided to make cuts. I have my feelings about this but I will not bad mouth political figures on my blog. I know a few people who are on the job just for the benefits, this is what I want to do, I love criminal justice. I swear, it is my calling.

Fitness tells me he prays for me everyday because he can tell- it is affecting me, the possibility of not getting in. I've cried alone at the thought. I've literally put my life on hold in hopes of getting in this class.

Pang's sorority sister tells me she is praying for me. I am flattered so many people are praying for me to get what I want. She recommends I go to church and pray too.

I haven't been to church since Sept 12, 2001.

I decide, I'M GOING TO CHURCH.

So I make my way. There are 3 big entrances.
I try one, it is locked.
I try the second one, it is locked.
I try the third one, it is locked.
I stand on the stoop of the church and stare these doors down for about one minute.
I suck my teeth, I AM GOING TO PRAY AND NO LOCKED DOORS ARE GOING TO STOP ME. I sat down on the stoop of the church, bowed my head and spoke to God... I hope he heard me over the noise of New York streets.

To be or not to be...

Fitness and I have been spending a lot of time together, and in constant contact.

This past weekend I slept over his house after a night out celebrating his best friends sisters birthday. These people are bar people. Good times but I need some music in my life.

Back to the point.

We get to his room.

Lay down on the bed (clothes still on).

I start to rub his head, he just got a fresh cut.

He falls asleep. (Understandable, the guy works a lot, and hardly sleeps during the week and had a few drinks).

I decide to get up, put on my PJs... Brush my teeth... And go to bed.

Problem is:

1. 
   
   he is laying on the sheets


2. 
   
   he is out cold


3. 
   
   his room is freezing


4. 
   
   I have a cold. I tried waking him up- it didn't work.

I tried to push him over, the guy is pure muscle OUT COLD...I decide to put on one of his hoodies and try to knock out. At this point I've been shivering for an hour and a half, I need to do something. I try to wake him up once more. No luck. I text OS She recommends throwing cold water in his face, I opt to leave him a message and leave.

I leave...

I realize, its 5:30 a.m. and I have no idea where the damn train is.I give him a call... He doesn't pick up.FUCK.I stop a cab to ask and he tries to get me to take it from Brooklyn to Manhattan, long ride- I opt out and give Fitness another call.

HE PICKS UP! Confused as all hell he asks me to please come back. We must have just missed each other because when I arrived to the front of his house he was where I told him I was when I called the second time. I see him walking to the front of the house towards me with an extra sweater in hand for me. That made me smile... Too bad I already had one of his sweaters on (hehe). :x We get inside and he asks for a moment and goes to the bathroom. I originally think he is going to throw up BUT hear nothing (that ability to hear a pin drop kicks in). He walks out and comes onto the bed next to me. He looks off. I ask him what's up, and he almost started to cry (got to love the alcohol).

He felt horrible for what just happened. He felt he was being a horrible host. Apparently he is suppose to protect me and keep me warm and he let his sloppiness get in the way of that.

Here I am thinking he might have gotten bothered because I got up and left in the middle of the night... Instead the man looks like he is close to tears because his sloppy drunkenness was the cause of me leaving.

I told him it was a little messed up but given the circumstances (how little he sleeps and he was drinking) that I can understand, it will happen to anyone.

Then we had great sex.

I worry I was a little too loud and the roomie might have heard me :x. (He wants to move into his own place soon, turning 27 with two roommates isn't working for him).

I'm writing this on the train and there are Mexicans performing with an accordion and a guitar, reminds me of Nacho Libre and I can't concentrate lol.

When Dominicans play the accordion- they make it sound good is all I have to say.

Ok they stopped.

So the next day I was asked on a dinner date (by someone else). I thought about it... Fitness keeps telling me that he wants to be with me but worries that I might need time since I just moved out of the ex fiances apartment. He says this EVERY TIME something about us comes up so maybe I need to take a hint, since once he said maybe I need time to do what single people do.

I accept the dinner date.

I battle if I should tell Fitness or not. We have a very friendly relationship and I didn't want to lie... I've had enough of that these past few months.

I text him.

He calls back.

He doesn't understand why I would go on a dinner date after the conversation we had the day before (we aren't really interested in seeing other people). I explained to him the whole thing about how he always brings up me needing time...

He said he was just putting me first, and didn't want to be an additional burden if I felt I had stuff I needed to get over. He and I have had conversations about how I feel regarding my break up with the ex fiance.

Fitness: are you serious about not wanting to see other people?

IMWIR: I am serious. I enjoy you a lot.

Fitness: I don't want the fact that you were going on a dinner date to be the basis of this. I have been wanting to be in a formal relationship with you but haven't asked because I didn't know if you were ready but will you be my girlfriend?

IMWIR: ::laugh:: where do I circle yes?

Party in the Ghetto

I love being Dominican.I love how down my sister is to go out.

Let me explain.

It is Thursday night and I am tired from 3 days of moving along with being emotionally exhausted from dealing with the ex fiances up and down mood.At 11 p.m. I start to get dressed while I wait for Older Sister to arrive from handling sorority business.She gets home a little after midnight. I am changing an outfit when I make a comment that I am tired (and I KNOW she is tired).

OS: so then what the fuck are we doing?

Me: nikka I am DRESSED, we are going out!

We get in the car and make our way to the Spanish location in the Bronx (Bamboo).

We drive by the place and from the glimpse I took it looked empty. I think to myself "greaaaaat.

We came out tired and the place is dead at 1:30 a.m.

We park the car after a few turns around the block, and walk inside. OS tells me it is downstairs, not originally where I had looked at. Cool. I open the doors to the downstairs already jamming to the very good Spanish music... And it was like narnjia. It was packed- with this space made by the security guard for people to walk. DOMINICANS KNOW HOW TO PARTY, or don't have jobs to worry about the next day?

We had told my friend Fuandolio to go, who calls himself my fake boyfriend (another blog for another time). He is nowhere to be found, so OS and I make our way to the back for some drinks. Corona for OS, Red Bull on the rocks for me. I felt very out of place, I feel like when I walk into those places I stand out like a member of the KKK at the Million Man March. I look white and do not dress like I bought my outfit on 181st, or like I am a stripper, or wear up towns with jeans that look like they should come with a warning label for yeast infection. Sorry if I am offending anyone reading this with that- its all love. Pfffffft, ok no it isn't, but I made a new years resolution to stop criticizing so much and I was good... Yesterday I only had one victim (seriously, it is an improvement).

After ordering our drinks OS and I try to find somewhere to stand, there really was no where to stand. OS compared it to going to the beach really early to get a good spot. A lot of thugs and uptown girls there. This salsa song comes on...OS is singing her heart out to it and I come to the realization that I am chilling with a HICK, and that hick is my sister. I call her on it. She laughs and says "Hasta los tigeres estan cantando" (read: even the thugs are singing). I had some Red Bull in my mouth and chuckled so hard that I almost spit it out at this very true statement.

So here go some of the funny events:

• One guy grabbed my hand to ask my to dance. While he asked me to dance he rubbed the back of my hand on his penis. If I need to tell you NO I didn't dance with him.


• Fuandolio showed up with one of his boys who freaked OS (to that playero reggaeton)- while we were dancing I kept getting pinched on the thigh by OS because he kept making comments about her dancing. (We were all dancing very close, no space)


• A guy tells me I am beautiful. I thank him. He asks me if I have myspace. I say no. He then asks if I have aim, I say I barely use it. He then says- let me guess, you don't own a cell either? HA!


• Fuandolio was being very lovey dovey. Kept reminding me how beautiful I am (I never take that for granted) and he got a hard on while dancing with me which never happens. He is usually a good dancer but he was drinking heavily so he was sloppy. He is going on a cruise with his family next week that goes to Mexico, Costa Rica, and Panama. He told me if I would have budged and been his REAL girlfriend I would have been right there with them lol. Sorry, no sexual attraction- he is young and acts it sometimes. Ill skip on the free trip to Costa Rica.

Over all- the night was good. The music was pumpin'. I just wish there was room to actually dance.I think the secret to staying in shape for me is going dancing at least 4 times a week. So where to tonight???

Meet the Friends

I know, I've been M.I.A.

My apologies... not that anyone reads this anyway lol.

A lot has been going on in my life.

The ex fiance and I are officially not together- after months of me wanting out and him thinking we could make it work. It took another person to come into the picture sadly for this to happen.

I love him but right now that relationship I had with him was not right. I am very happy with myself for sticking to my guns and not going back at moments of weakness.

The past two days have been rough. Besides moving out of the apartment he and I had (we moved out alone- my back is killing me from lifting heavy stuff)- he has been having a hard time with what has been going on with us and he has these eyes that break me. I can't look at him when he is hurting without needing to comfort him. DAMN THOSE EYES.

I have been spending time with Fitness and enjoying his company... A LOT.

My friends are my world and without the words of encouragement from my girls (I fucking love my girls- they are the best) I probably would have had an extreme hard time with what has been going on.

Prime example of my girls being the best:

Fitness friends bday at a bar/lounge in LES. He had mentioned his friends wanted to meet me, cool- I'm there. All I need is a partner in crime- I wasn't going alone. Ofcoarse I invited ALL 3 of my girls but two couldn't make. The one who could make it we will call her Mother Theresa. Mother Theresa and I don't have vehicles but this is NYC so we fuck it and train it there. I walk up to the door and the door man let's me know that the party I am looking for has a room in the back. As I step foot in the door I receive a text from Fitness "are you coming?" (I told him I was not going if I didn't find anyone to go with). I put my phone back in my pocket because- well... I was already there.

I walk into the back room and see NOBODY I recognize.

I look at Mother Theresa.

I turn to walk out.

I get pulled back.

I turn around to see who it is. I don't recognize her.

Girl I don't recognize: "::yells my name::"

I smile.

Girl I don't recognize: "Hey, it's me _______ (Fitness friend). Where is Fitness?"

Me: "Oh I don't know, I thought he was here already"

Girl I don't recognize: "Oh we thought he was coming with you. Hey everyone, look ::says my name:: is here!"

Everyone greets me with some excitement. In my head I think "oh crap, am I suppose to know these people?"

One girl confesses that she has been Facebook stalking me, they've all been dying to meet me.

Mother Theresa is in full alert for the sign of help we have. Thanks Mother Theresa.



Fast Forward > > > > >



We are all on the dancefloor. Fitness has already arrived- he thought I wasn't going since I didn't respond so he took his time getting ready. Someone burps up that salami stench. We all make that face, but we are at a lounge, it is to be expected.

His Boys Girl "oh man, and I know that smell must really bother you since you are a vegeterian"

Mother Theresa "IMWIR (in my world I rock), you know her?"

Me: "NOPE"

These people know more about me then I thought, it's flattering that he talks about me enough that they know these details.



Fast Forward > > > > >



All on the dance floor again... Standing in this order.

His Boys Girl, Fitness, Mother Theresa, Me.

His Boys Girl goes to Fitness "I want to talk to IMWIR, do you think she would mind if I ask her to accompany me while I go out for a smoke? I know she doesn't like it"

Mother Theresa is ON IT like a true girl. I love her.

She turns to me: "Yo IMWIR, she wants to talk to you and she is about to ask you to go outside"

Surely... this happened. I wasn't going to say no. Out without a jacket I went (yes, it was cold).

I can't type the conversation word for word... but the point was, they didn't like his ex, she was crazy- I give everyone a good vibe, he really likes me and she hopes that I stick around and she sees more of me. He is a good guy and doesn't deserve to get hurt.

She gave me the talk.

Back inside.

Older Sister is in the area and is giving Mother Theresa a ride home. I stayed behind to hang out with Fitness- I was having fun with him.

Another friend of his- who knows someone I know (this can be good and bad)- we will call her Mutual comes with me to sit down in the back room. I was complaining about my feet and her feet hurt as well, the shit we go through to look cute...

Mutual talks to me about Fitness- all great things (he is every ones favorite friend from their group, she tells her boyfriend sometimes he needs to be like Fitness, his ex took advantage of his kindness, nobody wants to see him get hurt- I seem to make him smile... they were all dying to meet me and are happy that I am normal). Then she mentions a mutual friend her and I have told her I was engaged.

I get that dry throat. I swallow hard.

I don't think it is any of their business yet but my past is my past and it is a part of me. I simply say "Yes I was, and it just didn't work out so we cancelled the wedding". She is satisfied with that answer I guess because she also leaves it at that. Then she asks what is up with Fitness and I, if we are together.

I think to myself "is this a trick question?". How do I answer this? Shouldn't she be asking Fitness this instead? I tell her we are getting to know each other, and smile. Fitness walks in at this point. The conversation ends there.

Despite the unexpected talks- I had a great night, his friends were fun.



As for El Difunto... I haven't heard from him... and I don't mind it. If he calls he calls- if he doesn't he doesn't.

I have a feeling I am going to hear from him on a very random day.

Bad Habbits Die Hard

Do you remember when El Difunto dumped me... While still naked on his bed after sex?

Do you remember that same night how I SOBBED on my mothers lap?

Or how OS (older sister) walked in and saw me puffy eyed and recommended we go out for a drink?

I remember going to Pizza Bar in the meat packing district, getting hammered off of their margaritas- taking one of my favorite pictures ever, of me smiling after a good cry... And you could tell.

I remember getting home- throwing up in the bathroom... And eating crackers on the bathroom floor.

I also remember waking up the next morning and thinking this horrible feeling I felt was a hangover... until the pain in my heart, the disbelief, and the desperation didn't go away... Not that day, or the day after, or the week after.

Time for HISTORY 101:

El Difunto- my ex boyfriend.We met when I was 15 at the iceskating rink.

At 16 we started dating. He was very serious and in love... To the point where it got too serious for me, I WAS ONLY 16.

I decided to end the relationship.

He always told me that when I was ready to just give him the word because he knew I was the one he wanted for the rest of his life (can you see why I was scared?!)

We dated on and off- but spoke all the time, we became good friends.

At 23 I decided I was ready.

We started dating.

He was a jealous guy.

4 months later he dumped me without explanation.

I experience my first heart ache.

I later find out he was scared.

He was getting a new apartment- making moves with his job... And he thought the next move was to move me in... (Please keep in mind I was NEVER the one to talk about moving in together or marriage).

So he ran (left me).

Coward.

Moving on...

A few days ago I get an email from Twitter "El Difunto wants you to follow him on twitter"

::Scratch my head::

This guy goes to great lengths to NOT be my friend.

Yet I get numerous emails that he wants me to follow him on twitter.

For some bizzar reason I decide to probe a little more and send him a text that reads: "Hey, I just got a few e-mails from twitter... I don't know if you sent those by mistake".

Don't ask me why I did this.

He replies that he sent it to everyone on his email list on his phone.

This was enough to spark the same conversation we have had twenty times.

He will always love me, I am the only girl for him, no girl has or ever will compare to me.

I tell him I care about him a lot, I never stopped and I always will but we had our differences and for some reason he decided to leave when he had me.

He says he was stupid.

I agree.

This goes on for like an hour.

Then he asked me if he can ask me out on a date.

I said yes.