Good Bye Oh Nine

I just read StarGazr's last post and oh shit did my heart go out to her. She had a boyfriend (who she also referred to as boo!) who found out about her blog and that was that (I am assuming, I don't know any details). I found myself nostalgic, and not in a good way. I got this flood of emotions, the heart ache, feeling of desperation when you are in love and it isn't going your way.

I remember my heartache with El Difunto is what drove me to therapy (and it worked). By the time I had my falling out with the Ex Fiance I had experienced heartache and just applied my therapy to that situation. It was still hard (and as you can see still am struggling).

I look forward to reading her future posts, whenever she is ready to return! (Everyone needs their time to heal).
------------------------------------------------
New Years Eve is upon us. Ahhh yes!

• Little slutty dress ::check::
• Manolo's ::check::
• Homies in tow ::check::
  

12 bad girls have confirmed, a few more might surprise us. The little sis is legal now, this New Years will be a good one. The Ex Fiance might come to the club with us, if not, Pang offered her services for the New Years kiss (she was my New Years kiss last year... It was a pleasant surprise lol, she caught me off guard).

In 2009 I:
-broke off my engagement
-celebrated my 25th birthday in Ireland
-got Lasik
-dated Fitness (remember him?)
-fell in love with salsa
-went to the beach almost every other day this summer
-didn't get into the academy TWICE
-haven't worked all year. Thank you unemployment.
-moved back to my parents house
-had to give away my dog because I^
-had a weird relationship (not sexual) with a 40 year old man (Scarf)
-went on a cross country road trip
-went to the Bahamas
-for the first time experienced sex against my will
-swam with dolphins and sea lions
-sky dived
-learned how much I really love the Ex Fiance
-hosted a fundraiser
-drank a lot more then I've wanted to (I don't usually drink this much, and honestly think I have a bad reaction to alcohol. My heart beats weird the day after)
-build a tolerance for Merlot
-dressed up for Halloween
-was the first girl a gay guy has ever been with

Here is to a better 2010! See you next year bloggers :)

FYI: Girls Poop Too

To go or not to go?

I plan on writing a few of these but I decided to make the first one a little interesting. My neighbor has been dating her guy 9 years and she refuses to fart in front of him.

I think that is ridiculous. Whoever I am with is going to have to know I pass gas. After 9 years, we better be comfortable with each others stink.

Farting almost goes hand in hand with taking a dump. Something Scarf said stood out about how brave he thought I was when he thought I was taking a shit (when in reality I was throwing up) and he admired that because some girls will come up with some weird excuses to leave when they have to release.

How have you broken the ice, if ever?

Every new guy means a new experience, and having to do this all over again. Here goes how I've handled a few of mine.

El Difunto:He had his own apartment. I never lived with him but would stay over from time to time. He had a stand up shower that fit ONE person so taking a shower together was not an option. I would turn on the shower and handle my business and just pray that it didn't smell.

Ex Fiance: We went on a weekend trip to Montreal 2 months and change after we started dating. While in the shower I thought I could let one go without him hearing it. It sounded like a quacking duck and HE HEARD IT! You better believe after that situation all shyness went away. He has been the one I have been most open to about my body functions.

Scarf: He doesn't know yet but during one of my throw up sessions I took a shit. It was one of those "I've been throwing up for hours and can't deal with holding it in" things so I just went. He was sleeping.But we have this road trip coming up. We will be together for over 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure I will have to let him know I GOTTA GO.

Fitness: When I would stay over I would use it while he went to go get breakfast outside.Any other time with other guys I never really stayed over to the point where I couldn't hold it until I got home.

Pls feel free to share one of your boys and #2 bathroom experiences.

Summers Gone By SO FAST

Starzgazr said it best- we have been slacking on our blogging... Well at least I have :-\





That's what the summer time does to me I suppose.





Another reason I have been slacking on my blogging is that I honestly don't like to blog when I am not happy and despite all the good things that have happened in the last month (stay tuned) I've had a hard time with

1. Feeling stuck due to the NYPD not hiring, it's the job I want and I have done everything in my power to make sure I got into the class that just passed and NOTHING. Thanks Bloomberg, I owe you one... No, really. psh. The only thing that has kept me positive is that the people who got in this class took the test in 2005. I took my test in 2006 so hopefully next class I AM IN.


2. Fitness and I are officially no longer together. This happened about 3 weeks ago. I am somewhat over it now lol but I don't know WHY I let the assholeish personalities get to me. He was so stern and set in his ways and not sympathetic, it reminded so much of El Difunto. Why is it that the two who are being assholes during the break ups are the ones I have a hard time getting over. It's a game I suppose and I had let them win.

Fitness and I are trying to remain friends now. He is a very distant friend. Whatever, in due time I guess. I promise I will blog about what happened another time.

I went SKYDIVING and it was one of the greatest rushes I have ever had. I never really considered myself much of a dare devil UNTIL I sky dived and listed all the things I have wanted to do in my life. Most of them are pretty risky compared to the people who surround me.

• Tattoo CHECK


• Lasik CHECK


• Sky Dive CHECK


• Boxed CHECK


• Attempted to join the military CHECK


• Semi nude pics CHECK

Ummmm okay, maybe I haven't done too much that would be considered risky.

Semi Nude pics. Please keep in mind I had a very amature photographer, I plan on doing another shoot in Sept. with a professional photographer... This photo is not one of the best ones but it didn't have my face in it, so it's the one I chose to put in here... It hasn't been edited at all except for the censored sign I have placed there myself lol.

THIS WAS A SHOT TAKEN WHILE I WAS GETTING READY FOR ANOTHER SHOT

I've been beach bumming it and just enjoying the summer. Dancing lots of salsa and putting all my bathing suits to use!

Later Bloggers!

Fool me twice, shame on me...

El Difunto and I were suppose to meet up today.

I didn't here from him all morning or afternoon.

Although I knew I shouldn't, I text him mid afternoon asking about the status of our plans. He responds he didn't know what my schedule was like but he had to stay at work a little later. That was that.

He didn't hit me up until 11:15 p.m. just saying hello. JUST SAYING HELLO!

I keep telling myself "the signs are there IMWIR, don't be one of those..."

Bad Habits Die Hard?

El Difunto is back in the picture people.

I know, I know, you guys must be thinking WTF.

And so am I.

Yesterday he did something very very unexpected. He called me to ask me for forgiveness and poured his heart OUT. He isn't good with talking about his feelings so this was a huge step for him. Just so you guys get an idea- I got the following texts at 4 a.m. after our talk:

I know I am horrible when it comes to love, I've hurt you... But I also know that I do love you, and it is real love... The kind of love that makes you feel warm inside even when it is below zero, the love that brings happiness even after years of tears. The love you see depicted in movies and think "that can never happen". It can and has happened... I am bad guy... And I don't deserve you... But I do love you with all my heart and soul... And I am sooooo going to try my best to show you that. I love you IMWIR. You are the only one for me. We belong together. See you Tuesday my love and best friend.

Ummm I guess you put together that I am suppose to see him tomorrow from this text. I told my mom this and she asked me what I think, and told me it is unfair to Fitness. She is right. It is unfair to him BUT...

... El difunto was the cause of a lot of grief in my engagement. My heart never really got over him. Even when he wouldn't talk to me I remained the moment he was ready to be my friend I would be here waiting. I know, you guys think I'm stupid or blinded by love. I am not defending him, or excusing his actions. The guy was an asshole, but I honestly think I am the only one who understands him.

I am not saying we are meeting up and we are going to run to city hall, get married, and have babies the next day...

I am just saying I am going to give him the light of day.

The Story Behind the Men Series: El Difunto

This probably should have been the first one to write about... But I wanted to take my time with this one.

When I was 15 my cousin Mother Theresa and I were going to go out with a friend ice skating. The third party flaked, Mother Theresa and I decided to go anyway. We had no idea where the rink was, we asked an MTA worker and they gave us 3 different locations. We still had no idea where we were going and ironically, while on the train, we see two girls with ice skates. NICE! We followed them without them knowing.

We end up in Wollman Rink in Central Park.

This day changed my life in many many ways.

Once there, we recognize nobody. We get our rentals and get our asses on the ice. There are these people called RINK RATS who know how to skate very well (my cousin and I were later to become known as one of these). The guys use this skill to pick up chicks. El difunto was one of the good skaters but he was very to himself.

I can't really remember too well but I noticed him looking at me a few times. During an ice break he was sitting near me and I was having trouble tying my skates tight. He heard me suck my teeth, or sigh, and asked me if I needed help.

... We skated together the rest of the night...

The next week I went again, and we shared our first kiss. I still remember exactly where on the ice it happened. (I ended up working at Wollman Rink for 6 years, I know that rink like the back of my hand).

El difunto became my boyfriend but I quickly ended it when he told me he loved me about a month after we started dating. I was about to turn 16 and it was too much for me at the time. He told me I would be his wife one day and that he will wait until I am ready. For the following YEARS we were on and off- but always talking even when we weren't dating.

At 23... We were hanging out, he was trying to teach me to drive stick shift and I looked to my right to express my frustrations and concerns and he had this look in his face that just melted my heart. I can't even describe it but I finally saw, next to me was a guy who LOVED me and would do a lot to make me happy... And obviously I enjoyed him.

I decided that day to give him my all.

I fell in love, like really in love but we had a lot of problems. I was still very much of a "free spirit" and he didn't like that, he was very jealous. I have a lot of guy friends and that bothered him, I like to dance a lot and that bothered him. My argument is, you have known me since I was 15... You know the way I am, why would you try to pursue a relationship with someone you KNOW is this way. His answer: because he loved me.

Four months after constant bickering about this things just kept getting worst.

I go to his house to try and work things out because he was being an ass hole, I didn't want to talk over the phone. He told me not to go, but I was FED UP... We needed to figure something out because we couldn't keep going the way we were.

I get to his house and things are weird. We start some fore play... And then have sex. As soon as he cums- he gets off and goes to the bathroom. He comes back with his boxers on, I am still naked on his bed and tells me it is over...

...WHILE I AM NAKED ON HIS BED...

I tell him there are only so many smacks to the face a person can take before they realize what's happening. This was my last slap to the face, no matter how in love I was.

I must admit, I played it off as well as I could for someone who had just gotten dumped while still naked after sex... Once I got home that's when the water works began. My mom was in the living room sitting on the couch, I laid my head on her lap and cried my eyes out. Pang walks in to find me puffy eyed, and red nosed from crying so much. As soon as she learns what happened she asks me if I want to go out for a drink. At this point anything to get my mind off of this shit will do. I get up and go.

We end up in Pizza Bar and I got retartidly drunk off of Martinis. I got home and had a one on one moment with the toilet. It was nice, I appreciate the toilet being there for me. Once I throw up I loose my ability to get up right away, so I laid down on the bathroom floor. My mom woke up (its like 4 a.m.) and brought crackers for me to eat on the bathroom floor. That's all I remember, that and my little sister taking pics of me and all I could manage to do from the bathroom floor was give her the finger with a smile on my face. GOOD TIMES eh?

The following weeks he turned into the biggest ass hole. I had left some brand new Coach sunglasses in his car, we scheduled to meet up and the mother fucker stood me up THREE TIMES. Then when I would try to reschedule for ME TO GET MY GLASSES BACK he would give me attitude like you wouldn't believe... That's when he decided to pick up the phone.

I needed to get rid of everything that reminded me of him. This break up was turning me into someone I wasn't: I was drinking (I hardly drink), I was bitter about seeing other couples, I was a lot more to myself. I noticed when my parents approached me about this two months after the break up. I decided enough is ENOUGH. Despite my short comings I was good to him and I didn't deserve this, and he wasn't worth my tears. I went to his house and left all the letters, birthday cards, valentines day cards, cute napkin notes that he had given me over the 7 years. I didn't personally give it to him, I put it in a yellow envelope and left it on his car windshield.

That was my step one to recovery.

Step two. GET HELP. People say it takes one month per year that you were together for you to get over the person/relationship. Fuck this, I wasn't going through this for another 5 months. I like instant results (its a problem I know) and I needed to speed this baby up! Hello Therapist!

Personally, that was the best thing I could have done. I walked out of that therapist office every Friday feeling better then ever.(by Tuesday I couldn't wait to go see her again)

He found out I was engaged and was not happy about that. He confessed that he had planned on proposing to me on Valentines day (9 months after he left me)... But found out I was engaged and then he realllllllly didn't want to know about me. I was suppose to be "his" wife. Pfffffffffft. NIGGUH PUHLEEZ. You don't want me to get started on my thoughts about this.

He has always been very immature in the way he goes about handling his anger. I've been asked a few times if I would go back.

I didn't know until recently.

He started to slowly talk to me again. In this, he showed me some people NEVER CHANGE.

Meet the Friends

I know, I've been M.I.A.

My apologies... not that anyone reads this anyway lol.

A lot has been going on in my life.

The ex fiance and I are officially not together- after months of me wanting out and him thinking we could make it work. It took another person to come into the picture sadly for this to happen.

I love him but right now that relationship I had with him was not right. I am very happy with myself for sticking to my guns and not going back at moments of weakness.

The past two days have been rough. Besides moving out of the apartment he and I had (we moved out alone- my back is killing me from lifting heavy stuff)- he has been having a hard time with what has been going on with us and he has these eyes that break me. I can't look at him when he is hurting without needing to comfort him. DAMN THOSE EYES.

I have been spending time with Fitness and enjoying his company... A LOT.

My friends are my world and without the words of encouragement from my girls (I fucking love my girls- they are the best) I probably would have had an extreme hard time with what has been going on.

Prime example of my girls being the best:

Fitness friends bday at a bar/lounge in LES. He had mentioned his friends wanted to meet me, cool- I'm there. All I need is a partner in crime- I wasn't going alone. Ofcoarse I invited ALL 3 of my girls but two couldn't make. The one who could make it we will call her Mother Theresa. Mother Theresa and I don't have vehicles but this is NYC so we fuck it and train it there. I walk up to the door and the door man let's me know that the party I am looking for has a room in the back. As I step foot in the door I receive a text from Fitness "are you coming?" (I told him I was not going if I didn't find anyone to go with). I put my phone back in my pocket because- well... I was already there.

I walk into the back room and see NOBODY I recognize.

I look at Mother Theresa.

I turn to walk out.

I get pulled back.

I turn around to see who it is. I don't recognize her.

Girl I don't recognize: "::yells my name::"

I smile.

Girl I don't recognize: "Hey, it's me _______ (Fitness friend). Where is Fitness?"

Me: "Oh I don't know, I thought he was here already"

Girl I don't recognize: "Oh we thought he was coming with you. Hey everyone, look ::says my name:: is here!"

Everyone greets me with some excitement. In my head I think "oh crap, am I suppose to know these people?"

One girl confesses that she has been Facebook stalking me, they've all been dying to meet me.

Mother Theresa is in full alert for the sign of help we have. Thanks Mother Theresa.



Fast Forward > > > > >



We are all on the dancefloor. Fitness has already arrived- he thought I wasn't going since I didn't respond so he took his time getting ready. Someone burps up that salami stench. We all make that face, but we are at a lounge, it is to be expected.

His Boys Girl "oh man, and I know that smell must really bother you since you are a vegeterian"

Mother Theresa "IMWIR (in my world I rock), you know her?"

Me: "NOPE"

These people know more about me then I thought, it's flattering that he talks about me enough that they know these details.



Fast Forward > > > > >



All on the dance floor again... Standing in this order.

His Boys Girl, Fitness, Mother Theresa, Me.

His Boys Girl goes to Fitness "I want to talk to IMWIR, do you think she would mind if I ask her to accompany me while I go out for a smoke? I know she doesn't like it"

Mother Theresa is ON IT like a true girl. I love her.

She turns to me: "Yo IMWIR, she wants to talk to you and she is about to ask you to go outside"

Surely... this happened. I wasn't going to say no. Out without a jacket I went (yes, it was cold).

I can't type the conversation word for word... but the point was, they didn't like his ex, she was crazy- I give everyone a good vibe, he really likes me and she hopes that I stick around and she sees more of me. He is a good guy and doesn't deserve to get hurt.

She gave me the talk.

Back inside.

Older Sister is in the area and is giving Mother Theresa a ride home. I stayed behind to hang out with Fitness- I was having fun with him.

Another friend of his- who knows someone I know (this can be good and bad)- we will call her Mutual comes with me to sit down in the back room. I was complaining about my feet and her feet hurt as well, the shit we go through to look cute...

Mutual talks to me about Fitness- all great things (he is every ones favorite friend from their group, she tells her boyfriend sometimes he needs to be like Fitness, his ex took advantage of his kindness, nobody wants to see him get hurt- I seem to make him smile... they were all dying to meet me and are happy that I am normal). Then she mentions a mutual friend her and I have told her I was engaged.

I get that dry throat. I swallow hard.

I don't think it is any of their business yet but my past is my past and it is a part of me. I simply say "Yes I was, and it just didn't work out so we cancelled the wedding". She is satisfied with that answer I guess because she also leaves it at that. Then she asks what is up with Fitness and I, if we are together.

I think to myself "is this a trick question?". How do I answer this? Shouldn't she be asking Fitness this instead? I tell her we are getting to know each other, and smile. Fitness walks in at this point. The conversation ends there.

Despite the unexpected talks- I had a great night, his friends were fun.



As for El Difunto... I haven't heard from him... and I don't mind it. If he calls he calls- if he doesn't he doesn't.

I have a feeling I am going to hear from him on a very random day.

Bad Habbits Die Hard

Do you remember when El Difunto dumped me... While still naked on his bed after sex?

Do you remember that same night how I SOBBED on my mothers lap?

Or how OS (older sister) walked in and saw me puffy eyed and recommended we go out for a drink?

I remember going to Pizza Bar in the meat packing district, getting hammered off of their margaritas- taking one of my favorite pictures ever, of me smiling after a good cry... And you could tell.

I remember getting home- throwing up in the bathroom... And eating crackers on the bathroom floor.

I also remember waking up the next morning and thinking this horrible feeling I felt was a hangover... until the pain in my heart, the disbelief, and the desperation didn't go away... Not that day, or the day after, or the week after.

Time for HISTORY 101:

El Difunto- my ex boyfriend.We met when I was 15 at the iceskating rink.

At 16 we started dating. He was very serious and in love... To the point where it got too serious for me, I WAS ONLY 16.

I decided to end the relationship.

He always told me that when I was ready to just give him the word because he knew I was the one he wanted for the rest of his life (can you see why I was scared?!)

We dated on and off- but spoke all the time, we became good friends.

At 23 I decided I was ready.

We started dating.

He was a jealous guy.

4 months later he dumped me without explanation.

I experience my first heart ache.

I later find out he was scared.

He was getting a new apartment- making moves with his job... And he thought the next move was to move me in... (Please keep in mind I was NEVER the one to talk about moving in together or marriage).

So he ran (left me).

Coward.

Moving on...

A few days ago I get an email from Twitter "El Difunto wants you to follow him on twitter"

::Scratch my head::

This guy goes to great lengths to NOT be my friend.

Yet I get numerous emails that he wants me to follow him on twitter.

For some bizzar reason I decide to probe a little more and send him a text that reads: "Hey, I just got a few e-mails from twitter... I don't know if you sent those by mistake".

Don't ask me why I did this.

He replies that he sent it to everyone on his email list on his phone.

This was enough to spark the same conversation we have had twenty times.

He will always love me, I am the only girl for him, no girl has or ever will compare to me.

I tell him I care about him a lot, I never stopped and I always will but we had our differences and for some reason he decided to leave when he had me.

He says he was stupid.

I agree.

This goes on for like an hour.

Then he asked me if he can ask me out on a date.

I said yes.