Where the Heart Is... Doesn't Exist. So I Relaxed.

Before you read: The Ex Fiance and I call each other boo... it's an inside joke.
The Ex Fiance has been back for a few days... I would say it's been a roller coaster of emotions, but it really hasn't. I have felt the same since the day he arrived AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM. I see him and I think to myself I had him.

I'll copy and paste a draft of a post, an email I sent him, and a text conversation I held with him.

The draft of the post:
Its Christmas and I just realized I'm in love with someone who no longer exist.

The Ex Fiance I love is no longer there. I can't expect him to go through a life changing experience like join the army and expect him to come back the same. Re-reading that last sentence... That's where I failed, I expected.
He is still himself in many aspects, but he isn't the same with me.

I don't get the cute morning text or phone call. He is okay with canceling plans because of his family almost every time we've had plans. (This I can understand, I'm not asking for all of his time. I just would like for him to give me some sort of importance and tell them "I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with you, I would like to see IMWIR in the evening").

His tolerance to things I say is not the same.

Sometimes it's good to write things down. As I read this I am stricken with more realization.

I've tried to bring up things but like I just mentioned- his tolerance is not the same.

I am in love with a person that is no more.

I need to accept it and let it go. Get to learn the new him...

The e-mail I sent him:
Hey Ex Fiance.
Sorry for the email... Its almost 2:30 am and I haven't really heard from you. Being that you've fallen asleep early all the days prior I'm going to assume you are sleeping and will not call.
I know I'm suppose to see you later today but- some things don't change. I need to get this out before I go to bed.
I love you very VERY much. So much so that the thought of us not ending up together in the future is something I never dealt with. I've done this to myself by setting expectations but the Ex Fiance that I love isn't there anymore. You are new and improved, and although it might not benefit me- it does benefit you. You are a better person and much more comfortable within yourself, that makes me happy for you.
That doesn't change the fact that you aren't the boy I fell in love with last year (perhaps now you are a man)... I loved the attention I got from you, the daily morning text, the daily good night calls, the way that I came first, your tolerance for me is not the same.
This isn't a break up email or an email telling you I don't want to be with you ever (I can't break up if we aren't together lol). However, I did tell you that I want to marry you and its not fair for me to say that. I cannot marry someone I don't know. I do want to get to know the new you though. I love you Ex Fiance and accepting this is not an easy thing for me.
<3
IMWIR

His response to this was that I need to relax, he is having a hard time adjusting to the civilian world (I don't want to know what he will be like if he ever does go to war... adjusting to coming back is going to be horrible for him). He wants to do things right this time with me.

I can understand, and so, I relaxed.

A text conversation went like this: (FYI: I was hanging out with another guy... )
Me: Ill be getting home late. Talk to you tomorrow maybe.
::EX FIANCE calls me but I don't pick up because I was busy::
Ex Fiance: Ahhhh man. I was giving u chill space. I know how you used to be when u were with friends. My heart is racing now because of that "maybe" word. I don't know anything anymore except u... =(
Me: I love you boo and I want YOU but I need to look out for myself- going through the last couple of days has been rough
Ex Fiance: I working things out boo...i am doing my best. I feel like ur moving further w/ each passing second
Me: I won't lie, I am. Doesn't mean I love u any less, but it isn't the sane- you've changed towards me and I won't fight it
Ex Fiance: Stop saying that. Stop. You need to give me more than one week to get adjusted. It doesn't happen right away. Please. Now i am back to begging you.
Me:Its hard, I know you need to do you that's why I've left you alone.
Ex Fiance: but I didn't ask you to leave me alone.
Me: you don't have to ask me to do it...
Ex Fiance: I know but pls don't leave me alone :(
Me: When I was on u told me I need to relax. I leave you alone u don't want that either.

Today my dating situation came up...
In a nutshell, I told him he is the one I love but maybe the timing isn't right, he isn't ready to have me in his life. I can't force him to be ready so I will continue dating. He is my #1 and whenever he decides to come around, if ever, he'll know where to reach me and hopefully I"ll be available.

He called me and explained he didn't want me dating anyone else, he is working on making US better. It might be taking a little longer, and time is working against us but to please work with him.

He also knows I've been talking to one of my closest friend the break dancer and has asked me to speak to him instead, he doesn't want me to stop turning to him when I need to talk.
I told him I still turn to him for a lot but there are certain things he does NOT need, me being emo about whats going on is one of those things. I tried talking to him about how I feel re: this situation and I was told I need to relax.

I have been working with him and I will continue as long as he keeps showing me he is working for us.

This is probably the last post about this situation, I prefer to keep it private.

Bad Habbits Die Hard

Do you remember when El Difunto dumped me... While still naked on his bed after sex?

Do you remember that same night how I SOBBED on my mothers lap?

Or how OS (older sister) walked in and saw me puffy eyed and recommended we go out for a drink?

I remember going to Pizza Bar in the meat packing district, getting hammered off of their margaritas- taking one of my favorite pictures ever, of me smiling after a good cry... And you could tell.

I remember getting home- throwing up in the bathroom... And eating crackers on the bathroom floor.

I also remember waking up the next morning and thinking this horrible feeling I felt was a hangover... until the pain in my heart, the disbelief, and the desperation didn't go away... Not that day, or the day after, or the week after.

Time for HISTORY 101:

El Difunto- my ex boyfriend.We met when I was 15 at the iceskating rink.

At 16 we started dating. He was very serious and in love... To the point where it got too serious for me, I WAS ONLY 16.

I decided to end the relationship.

He always told me that when I was ready to just give him the word because he knew I was the one he wanted for the rest of his life (can you see why I was scared?!)

We dated on and off- but spoke all the time, we became good friends.

At 23 I decided I was ready.

We started dating.

He was a jealous guy.

4 months later he dumped me without explanation.

I experience my first heart ache.

I later find out he was scared.

He was getting a new apartment- making moves with his job... And he thought the next move was to move me in... (Please keep in mind I was NEVER the one to talk about moving in together or marriage).

So he ran (left me).

Coward.

Moving on...

A few days ago I get an email from Twitter "El Difunto wants you to follow him on twitter"

::Scratch my head::

This guy goes to great lengths to NOT be my friend.

Yet I get numerous emails that he wants me to follow him on twitter.

For some bizzar reason I decide to probe a little more and send him a text that reads: "Hey, I just got a few e-mails from twitter... I don't know if you sent those by mistake".

Don't ask me why I did this.

He replies that he sent it to everyone on his email list on his phone.

This was enough to spark the same conversation we have had twenty times.

He will always love me, I am the only girl for him, no girl has or ever will compare to me.

I tell him I care about him a lot, I never stopped and I always will but we had our differences and for some reason he decided to leave when he had me.

He says he was stupid.

I agree.

This goes on for like an hour.

Then he asked me if he can ask me out on a date.

I said yes.