Where the Heart Is... Doesn't Exist. So I Relaxed.

Before you read: The Ex Fiance and I call each other boo... it's an inside joke.
The Ex Fiance has been back for a few days... I would say it's been a roller coaster of emotions, but it really hasn't. I have felt the same since the day he arrived AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM. I see him and I think to myself I had him.

I'll copy and paste a draft of a post, an email I sent him, and a text conversation I held with him.

The draft of the post:
Its Christmas and I just realized I'm in love with someone who no longer exist.

The Ex Fiance I love is no longer there. I can't expect him to go through a life changing experience like join the army and expect him to come back the same. Re-reading that last sentence... That's where I failed, I expected.
He is still himself in many aspects, but he isn't the same with me.

I don't get the cute morning text or phone call. He is okay with canceling plans because of his family almost every time we've had plans. (This I can understand, I'm not asking for all of his time. I just would like for him to give me some sort of importance and tell them "I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with you, I would like to see IMWIR in the evening").

His tolerance to things I say is not the same.

Sometimes it's good to write things down. As I read this I am stricken with more realization.

I've tried to bring up things but like I just mentioned- his tolerance is not the same.

I am in love with a person that is no more.

I need to accept it and let it go. Get to learn the new him...

The e-mail I sent him:
Hey Ex Fiance.
Sorry for the email... Its almost 2:30 am and I haven't really heard from you. Being that you've fallen asleep early all the days prior I'm going to assume you are sleeping and will not call.
I know I'm suppose to see you later today but- some things don't change. I need to get this out before I go to bed.
I love you very VERY much. So much so that the thought of us not ending up together in the future is something I never dealt with. I've done this to myself by setting expectations but the Ex Fiance that I love isn't there anymore. You are new and improved, and although it might not benefit me- it does benefit you. You are a better person and much more comfortable within yourself, that makes me happy for you.
That doesn't change the fact that you aren't the boy I fell in love with last year (perhaps now you are a man)... I loved the attention I got from you, the daily morning text, the daily good night calls, the way that I came first, your tolerance for me is not the same.
This isn't a break up email or an email telling you I don't want to be with you ever (I can't break up if we aren't together lol). However, I did tell you that I want to marry you and its not fair for me to say that. I cannot marry someone I don't know. I do want to get to know the new you though. I love you Ex Fiance and accepting this is not an easy thing for me.
<3
IMWIR

His response to this was that I need to relax, he is having a hard time adjusting to the civilian world (I don't want to know what he will be like if he ever does go to war... adjusting to coming back is going to be horrible for him). He wants to do things right this time with me.

I can understand, and so, I relaxed.

A text conversation went like this: (FYI: I was hanging out with another guy... )
Me: Ill be getting home late. Talk to you tomorrow maybe.
::EX FIANCE calls me but I don't pick up because I was busy::
Ex Fiance: Ahhhh man. I was giving u chill space. I know how you used to be when u were with friends. My heart is racing now because of that "maybe" word. I don't know anything anymore except u... =(
Me: I love you boo and I want YOU but I need to look out for myself- going through the last couple of days has been rough
Ex Fiance: I working things out boo...i am doing my best. I feel like ur moving further w/ each passing second
Me: I won't lie, I am. Doesn't mean I love u any less, but it isn't the sane- you've changed towards me and I won't fight it
Ex Fiance: Stop saying that. Stop. You need to give me more than one week to get adjusted. It doesn't happen right away. Please. Now i am back to begging you.
Me:Its hard, I know you need to do you that's why I've left you alone.
Ex Fiance: but I didn't ask you to leave me alone.
Me: you don't have to ask me to do it...
Ex Fiance: I know but pls don't leave me alone :(
Me: When I was on u told me I need to relax. I leave you alone u don't want that either.

Today my dating situation came up...
In a nutshell, I told him he is the one I love but maybe the timing isn't right, he isn't ready to have me in his life. I can't force him to be ready so I will continue dating. He is my #1 and whenever he decides to come around, if ever, he'll know where to reach me and hopefully I"ll be available.

He called me and explained he didn't want me dating anyone else, he is working on making US better. It might be taking a little longer, and time is working against us but to please work with him.

He also knows I've been talking to one of my closest friend the break dancer and has asked me to speak to him instead, he doesn't want me to stop turning to him when I need to talk.
I told him I still turn to him for a lot but there are certain things he does NOT need, me being emo about whats going on is one of those things. I tried talking to him about how I feel re: this situation and I was told I need to relax.

I have been working with him and I will continue as long as he keeps showing me he is working for us.

This is probably the last post about this situation, I prefer to keep it private.

Grand Canyon Lovin' Preview

I don't feel like doing too much writing about this so I will copy and paste a conversation I had on gmail with one of my best friends Break Dancer. Ladies, he is the shit.

Participants:-------------In My World I ROCK (IMWIR) , Break Dancer
Messages:---------
Break Dancer: Word! I hate itttttttt
IMWIR : Me too. I don't think anyone likes being broke
IMWIR: Yo so u want to hear the latest
Break Dancer: Tell me lol
IMWIR: I went to sleep over Scarfs house
IMWIR : ...
IMWIR : Where do I begiiiiin
Break Dancer First time?
IMWIR: Sleeping over, no- the first time I slept over was the night I THREW UP
IMWIR : Remember my blog
Break Dancer: Ooooh yea haha
IMWIR : K
IMWIR : So...
IMWIR : That time nothing happened cuz... Well... I was throwing up.
Break Dancer: Right
IMWIR: In short: 1-he is a horrible intense kisser (but okay when it isn't a heated kiss)... But great orally... 2- we didn't have sex because he told me he wants to wait until the grand canyon BUT he has a small package... 3- I couldn't stop thinking about the ex fiance.
Break Dancer: Woah
Break Dancer: Hold on
Break Dancer: Take it back lol
IMWIR : ...
IMWIR : To which one
Break Dancer: 1 you are just figuring out now he's a bad intense kisser like u say?
IMWIR : No
IMWIR: Wait
Break Dancer: Oooh ok
Anel : I said he is an okay kisser but you know when things get intense... Sometimes the kiss changes
Break Dancer: Lol yea
Break Dancer: Yo i'm laughing here
IMWIR: So he is horrible at the but when he is kissing anything that isn't my lips its great
Break Dancer: Hahahha
Break Dancer: Lmao
IMWIR : Lol
IMWIR : Jesus
Break Dancer: So a man that wants to wait? That's strange
Break Dancer: Also about his little problem. Tell him to try one of those pills on tv. Maybe it will work lol
IMWIR : I'm not telling him shit
IMWIR : After the road trip it won't matter
Break Dancer: Why?
IMWIR : I am still in love with the ex fiance.
Break Dancer : So after the trip u are going to dead scarf?
IMWIR : I don't know what to do
IMWIR : I enjoy him
IMWIR : And I know I'll have fun on this trip and its fucked up of me to go on this trip and accept all his dates knowing my heart is somewhere else.

*END CONVO*

Jesus how fuckeD up am I?

I really do enjoy Scarf but being in bed with him... didn't feel right.
When I was with Fitness I didn't mind being in bed with him at all.
How fucked up is it of me to think- thank god he wants to wait until the Grand Canyon, that's half way through the trip and the other 4 days my sister Pang will be sharing a room with us in Vegas! Then we have just 3 days.

I almost deleted that last bit because I felt THAT HORRIBLE writing it... but what's this blog for if I have to censor it?

Who knows- hopefully I come back from this trip and have to EAT MY WORDS because his intentions are super sweet. He wants me to dress up for a photo shoot in my elegant dresses in the Grand Canyon- he is bringing his professional camera for this.

He is booking a bunch of fun activities like a helicopter ride in the Grand Canyon, rock climbing, seeing shows...

Although, I probably won't be getting much sleep on this trip. HE SNORES.

Duty Calls

When Fitness and I broke up I found myself talking to the Ex Fiance about it and he was surprisingly very supportive. I have never told him Fitness and I were an item but he wasn't stupid, it was unspoken knowledge.

When I told him Fitness said I was unstable he said "you aren't unstable, you are just delicate. It takes a special kind of guy to be with you IMWIR and that guy is ME!" I bursted into tears. Until this very moment I did not realize how dependant I was. Even through our break up, and me being with Fitness I still spoke to the Ex Fiance every other day about nothing, or something.

It's reminds me of the break dancer, I know I could always count on him to tell me the truth without being harsh- and laugh about the situation if need be.

I've been asked many times- especially by Fitness... WHY do I still keep in touch with the Ex Fiance.

Despite his downfalls, and the cause of the end of our relationship I was going to marry him for a reason. He will always be a friend of mine.

The Ex Fiance left to the Army on Sunday, the last two days before he left we made time to see each other and it was so easy to just sit and eat with him.

Saying good bye to him was hard. I cried, a few times while with him... I cried after seeing him... Even now, when I am alone I'll cry. I miss him. I guess you really don't know what you have until it is gone. I can no longer call him at random times when I am bored.

The break dancer tells me he thinks it is loneliness. The fact that Fitness and I are no longer together and then the Ex Fiance leaves. I do think that might play a part in why I am so sensitive BUT I don't think I would have missed him any less.

I've never really been good at good-bye's anyway.