I Peed On The Stick

I've been a little unfair with my lack of details with certain things. Let me rewind to last posts pregnancy.

I had been having pre menstrual cramps like usual, so i didn't think anything was up. Until a few days later I had noticed my sleep was ALL OFF. I was having weird dreams and just a hard time sleeping period. I NEVER have had this problem. My body was fatigued (I thought it was because of the sleep). I was taking naps during the day because I just couldn't stay awake.

Then I thought I am still having these cramps but where the fuck is my period?
Mothers day was around the corner, I was going to Michaels to buy my mom her gift. On my way to the train station I stopped by Rite Aid and picked up the most idiot proof pregnancy test available. One with words.

I get out the train station and see a Whole Foods I have shopped at before. I was about to pee my pants in the train so I ran straight to the bathroom.

I peed on the stick.

I calmly waited because I didn't think I was pregnant. I was just taking it to put my mind at ease.

And then...

Oh Holy Shit.

I had a panic attack in the bathroom stall. I didn't know what to do with myself. I almost shitted my heart out. I was hyper ventilating.

I pulled myself together enough to walk out of the bathroom. Once outside I called my mother crying.

"MA! I'm pregnant" :*(

The woman was happy! She has been dying to become a grandmother. She told me this is nothing to cry about, everything is going to be okay, and to go home.

I called Ting- to tell him I was pregnant and that I had already called to make an appointment to terminate the pregnancy. He was upset that I didn't talk to him about it before making this decision. I understood where he was coming from but in reality we had only been dating for a little while and I am in no place in life to have a baby. I don't have a job and I live at home with my mother. He was actually considering keeping it! After some real talk he said he supports whatever I decide to do. He knows we shouldn't keep it, he isn't ready for a baby either (he is only 24. Yes, I am a cougar).

He was super supportive throughout out the entire process. I had morning sickness and he did great with that. He came with me to the procedure and wanted to take care of me after.

Like I mentioned before, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't think I would feel so relieved after.

So kiddies: I am living proof that PULLING OUT DOES NOT WORK.

Potent sperm is potent sperm.

I didn't use birth control consistently because I would get sick. My doctor recommended Nuva Ring and I haven't felt nausea at all. Nice!

On to the next topic. In my relationship with the Ex Fiance he loved more then I did. A lot more then I did. Ting is adamant about being with someone who loves him just as much or close to. He says 60/40 is the most if he had to put it in numbers but 70/30 is unbalanced and there is no way that relationship could be a healthy one.
Opinions?

On a Different Page ... and Photo Shopped

Some one please sign me up for Tool Academy.

I try not to blog about the ex fiance- but in a nut shell....

• I still love him very much.
• We see each other about once a week.
• We haven't had sex, he hasn't tried.
• We are "doing things right" according to him and taking things slow.

He has a point, and I was the one who introduced the idea of taking things slow- but I feel we are going very slow... and that's cool, but I have self diagnosed myself with a mild form of ADD and slow things bore me.

He knows, I've been honest with my feelings about this. I refuse to nag though, I nagged when he first got here and it didn't work in my favor so I let him be... I love him but I can't fight him anymore. Time will tell.

In turn, someone else has been keeping me busy. He is a dancer... his blog name will be Ting.

Of coarse, just like almost anyone I start hanging out with, Ting was something casual. Then it became sexual. Now he is feeling this. He throws comments out there that make it obvious that he wants this to go somewhere. He knows some details about the ex fiance but I have opted to try and not talk about it.

Two men, I always get caught up in some shit like this. I am enjoying Ting a little more then I care to (no, don't worry... I am not sprung lol).

On a lighter note... I have been asked to join a bachata recital team, and will join a salsa one next month so you might be hearing a lot less from me since all I will be doing in dancing.

Oh, enter the perfect opportunity for AN EXAMPLE. Speaking of dancing, here is something Ting would say:

IMWIR: I have a feeling dancing will get in the way of my next relationship.

Ting: Why

IMWIR: I am enjoying it a lot, and don't think I will stop until I am satisfied with where I am with it. I have already chosen dancing over many things (I did not mention I have chosen going to salsa class over hanging out with the ex fiance... I kept it as broad as possible).

Ting: Well, maybe you will meet a guy who can share the passion of dancing with you (and then he gives me the stare with the smile... FYI: he is a performer).

Now for what I really wanted to blog...

I'VE BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED!

I got called in for a photo shoot earlier this week... I took a few pics in some dresses and final shots were taken in a bikini.

While I was getting dressed the photographer played around with some of the pictures and calls me over to show me one.

Its one of me in the bikini.

IMWIR: WOW! This looks great!

Photographer: Yeah, I worked on it a little, look at the original ::opens up the original picture::

This is where I almost passed out.

I have never in my adult life been self conscious about my body, until I saw the before and after pictures.

I HAVE BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED, it was my first time seeing this and I hate it. Now, I know people get photo shopped for magazines, I don't think all those models really look like that but sweet jeezus- it's different when you look at yourself.

I swore off food, and then I got hungry two hours later- that plan went out the window quick.

Saltiest Kiss of My Life

I am back from vacationing at the Bahamas and although I had a horrible experience (I will touch base and elaborate on this later in the post) I did:

• Get to enjoy a hot day (I need to move somewhere hot. It truly puts me in a happy place. I hate the cold.)


• Swam with dolphins (check that off my "must do in life" list)


• Unexpectedly got kissed on the mouth by a sea lion (it was the sweetest, best, saltiest kiss of my life... And it came from a sea lion named Cassie. I kissed a girl, and I liked it.)


• Went down the slide on the Mayan Temple in the Atlantis resort (after walking up, chickening out, and being pep talked by the resort employee).

This vacation was an experience to say the least. I want to go back to my last post I Packed for Heat.
My sister Pang told me she had told my neighbor what happened and I immediately asked her "why?!" This caught me off guard, my neighbor is like family and we aren't ashamed to tell each other things. The reality of it is that I am embarrassed, and that's why I asked why.

Now that I have the time to write, let me go into further detail...
I had been drinking a good amount- I usually don't depend on alcohol but I could tell to survive 3 nights with this guy I WAS GOING TO NEED IT.
We went to bed and I started to doze off. I should have woken up when I felt him attempt to come snuggle with me. I kind of just tried to push him off and repositioned myself and KNOCKED OUT. I can't even tell you how much time in between that and the moment he started to rub the inside of my leg happen but I remember feeling that but still sleeping. Apparently I moaned when he went down on me (I found this out through conversation with him later)...
He went in and when he flipped over to put me on top is when I finally was forced to kind of wake up. I was so dizzy. I thought to myself wtf is going on. It was my first night there so it took me a while to register that I wasn't home sleeping in my bed. I remembered that I was in the Bahamas with HIM and I opened my eyes, jumped off, and ran to the shower.
He asked me if I was okay, I said yes from inside the shower and replied "I hope you aren't mad at me..."
Now I'm just feeling hung over because the reality of what just happened took any drunkenness I had away... And I'm pretty pissed but not recognizing it because I'm still in disbelief.
I tell him to leave me alone and I go to sleep.

The next day we barely exchange words. I went to walk around and found the beach. I couldn't stop thinking about the ex fiance and how I wish I was there with him instead. I wanted to talk to him about what happened, he is a comfort of mine.

The guy finally brings it up and tells me he enjoyed making love to me. ::gag::
We exchange the following points.The conversation didn't go word for word like this but here are the key points...

IMWIR: I was drunk. If I was sober that wouldn't not have happened. It was a mistake and very poor judgement on my part.
Him: I didn't seem that drunk. I moaned and made suggestions that I was enjoying it. Do I feel like I was raped? Do I honestly feel this was a mistake?
IMWIR: I don't have to stagger to be drunk. People who know me can tell I am drunk by the look on my face and he knows I was drunk. I drank a lot, and he paid for them so he knows I drank a lot. Rape is a strong word so I won't use it but I do feel I was taken advantage of in a state where I could not make decisions. I not only had been drinking but already in slumber... The combination of the two is enough to put me in the wrong state for him to have tried that. That would have NEVER happened had I been okay.
Him: I can ask anyone and they will say me accepting the trip knows sex would probably be involved.
IMWIR: He booked a trip to the Dominican Republic for us before and his money went to waste because I never went for that reason and he knew the reason why. He knows how I feel about him, I never lead him on. I accepted this trip because he asked endlessly and I didn't want his $ to go to waste. He is a man, I didn't think I needed to sit and talk him through the rules of the game again. I never demonstrated they would have changed. Regardless, the moment to try that was not when I was drunk and sleeping.

This situation is open for interpretation. People will have their opinions, some will say I got raped (like the ex fiance), others will think that I got taken advantage of (which is what I prefer to say), some find no difference between the two. Whatever the case, it is an ugly situation.

To top it off- AFTER this conversation, I am looking through his camera (with his permission of coarse) and as I flip through them I see he took close ups of my crotch area- disgusting! All in all, I have never felt so violated- to top it off by a police officer.

His defense: he took a picture of every part of my body (my feet, eyes, butt, back of my head...) which he did.

I can't believe I even have a post up here like this...

Grand Canyon Lovin' Preview

I don't feel like doing too much writing about this so I will copy and paste a conversation I had on gmail with one of my best friends Break Dancer. Ladies, he is the shit.

Participants:-------------In My World I ROCK (IMWIR) , Break Dancer
Messages:---------
Break Dancer: Word! I hate itttttttt
IMWIR : Me too. I don't think anyone likes being broke
IMWIR: Yo so u want to hear the latest
Break Dancer: Tell me lol
IMWIR: I went to sleep over Scarfs house
IMWIR : ...
IMWIR : Where do I begiiiiin
Break Dancer First time?
IMWIR: Sleeping over, no- the first time I slept over was the night I THREW UP
IMWIR : Remember my blog
Break Dancer: Ooooh yea haha
IMWIR : K
IMWIR : So...
IMWIR : That time nothing happened cuz... Well... I was throwing up.
Break Dancer: Right
IMWIR: In short: 1-he is a horrible intense kisser (but okay when it isn't a heated kiss)... But great orally... 2- we didn't have sex because he told me he wants to wait until the grand canyon BUT he has a small package... 3- I couldn't stop thinking about the ex fiance.
Break Dancer: Woah
Break Dancer: Hold on
Break Dancer: Take it back lol
IMWIR : ...
IMWIR : To which one
Break Dancer: 1 you are just figuring out now he's a bad intense kisser like u say?
IMWIR : No
IMWIR: Wait
Break Dancer: Oooh ok
Anel : I said he is an okay kisser but you know when things get intense... Sometimes the kiss changes
Break Dancer: Lol yea
Break Dancer: Yo i'm laughing here
IMWIR: So he is horrible at the but when he is kissing anything that isn't my lips its great
Break Dancer: Hahahha
Break Dancer: Lmao
IMWIR : Lol
IMWIR : Jesus
Break Dancer: So a man that wants to wait? That's strange
Break Dancer: Also about his little problem. Tell him to try one of those pills on tv. Maybe it will work lol
IMWIR : I'm not telling him shit
IMWIR : After the road trip it won't matter
Break Dancer: Why?
IMWIR : I am still in love with the ex fiance.
Break Dancer : So after the trip u are going to dead scarf?
IMWIR : I don't know what to do
IMWIR : I enjoy him
IMWIR : And I know I'll have fun on this trip and its fucked up of me to go on this trip and accept all his dates knowing my heart is somewhere else.

*END CONVO*

Jesus how fuckeD up am I?

I really do enjoy Scarf but being in bed with him... didn't feel right.
When I was with Fitness I didn't mind being in bed with him at all.
How fucked up is it of me to think- thank god he wants to wait until the Grand Canyon, that's half way through the trip and the other 4 days my sister Pang will be sharing a room with us in Vegas! Then we have just 3 days.

I almost deleted that last bit because I felt THAT HORRIBLE writing it... but what's this blog for if I have to censor it?

Who knows- hopefully I come back from this trip and have to EAT MY WORDS because his intentions are super sweet. He wants me to dress up for a photo shoot in my elegant dresses in the Grand Canyon- he is bringing his professional camera for this.

He is booking a bunch of fun activities like a helicopter ride in the Grand Canyon, rock climbing, seeing shows...

Although, I probably won't be getting much sleep on this trip. HE SNORES.

Sex at Park Pl

I swear- my sex life has never been this FUNNY.

I laugh about these things now but at the moment they weren't so funny. Here is my latest:

Fitness has two roommates.

One roommate's room is RIGHT NEXT to Fitness room. The only thing separating their rooms is a thin wall. When I am over I can hear the next door roommate's conversations... Which mean HE CAN HEAR OURS.

One night we were getting hot n' heavy.

I realize that it is 3 something in the morning and I KNOW the roommate is home. I tell Fitness we shouldn't... I don't want to disturb the roommate. Fitness isn't really caring- his penis is ready to go! He says it doesn't matter, he is sleeping anyway.

Things are getting hotter...

And hotter...

I'm trying to be quiet...

I'm somewhat successful...

Until...

I climaxed.

:x

I know someone had to have heard me... And I'm pretty sure it wasn't the first time they have. I tell Fitness to please apologize to his roomies because I had a gut feeling they heard. This was like 3 weeks ago.

This past weekend he tells me they heard me and were joking about it. How embarrassing. I can't look at these guys in their faces now. I tell Fitness no more sex when people are home. He gets somewhat upset and says he moved out of his parents place to have privacy.

My argument back is... When you moved in with TWO roommates you knew privacy was going to be compromised. I'm not bitching about it, I'm fine without having sex while they are home. The thing is... By the time he gets home they are home too.

Looks like I won't be getting nookie for a while.