I Peed On The Stick

I've been a little unfair with my lack of details with certain things. Let me rewind to last posts pregnancy.

I had been having pre menstrual cramps like usual, so i didn't think anything was up. Until a few days later I had noticed my sleep was ALL OFF. I was having weird dreams and just a hard time sleeping period. I NEVER have had this problem. My body was fatigued (I thought it was because of the sleep). I was taking naps during the day because I just couldn't stay awake.

Then I thought I am still having these cramps but where the fuck is my period?
Mothers day was around the corner, I was going to Michaels to buy my mom her gift. On my way to the train station I stopped by Rite Aid and picked up the most idiot proof pregnancy test available. One with words.

I get out the train station and see a Whole Foods I have shopped at before. I was about to pee my pants in the train so I ran straight to the bathroom.

I peed on the stick.

I calmly waited because I didn't think I was pregnant. I was just taking it to put my mind at ease.

And then...

Oh Holy Shit.

I had a panic attack in the bathroom stall. I didn't know what to do with myself. I almost shitted my heart out. I was hyper ventilating.

I pulled myself together enough to walk out of the bathroom. Once outside I called my mother crying.

"MA! I'm pregnant" :*(

The woman was happy! She has been dying to become a grandmother. She told me this is nothing to cry about, everything is going to be okay, and to go home.

I called Ting- to tell him I was pregnant and that I had already called to make an appointment to terminate the pregnancy. He was upset that I didn't talk to him about it before making this decision. I understood where he was coming from but in reality we had only been dating for a little while and I am in no place in life to have a baby. I don't have a job and I live at home with my mother. He was actually considering keeping it! After some real talk he said he supports whatever I decide to do. He knows we shouldn't keep it, he isn't ready for a baby either (he is only 24. Yes, I am a cougar).

He was super supportive throughout out the entire process. I had morning sickness and he did great with that. He came with me to the procedure and wanted to take care of me after.

Like I mentioned before, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't think I would feel so relieved after.

So kiddies: I am living proof that PULLING OUT DOES NOT WORK.

Potent sperm is potent sperm.

I didn't use birth control consistently because I would get sick. My doctor recommended Nuva Ring and I haven't felt nausea at all. Nice!

On to the next topic. In my relationship with the Ex Fiance he loved more then I did. A lot more then I did. Ting is adamant about being with someone who loves him just as much or close to. He says 60/40 is the most if he had to put it in numbers but 70/30 is unbalanced and there is no way that relationship could be a healthy one.
Opinions?

I know I Am An Adult When I Am Making These Types Of Decisions...

Bloggers! Long time no see...

It's been over a month. I am sorry. Well, lots been going on! Where shall I begin. Right, well... this happened...

Yeap.

It was Tings.

You read right. WAS. I didn't keep it. It was a mutual decision. It is for the best, he and I aren't ready for that yet, it wasn't the right time for US. I had the support of a lot of people and felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders when the procedure was over. I know I did the right thing.
^ADULT DECISION 1^

HELLO NUVA RING!

Staying on the subject of Ting, I am in trouble. My feelings for him are just growing stronger and stronger. I am happy to have him as a friend and more. It hasn't been peaches and cream this entire time (obviously, see above lol). We've gotten through everything together and have kept GREAT COMMUNICATION through it all.

The ex-fiance. Oh man I just had a hard talk with him yesterday. I had to let him know that I had to let go for real. I know he and I aren't going to work, atleast not right now. He had his chance to slide back in when he came back from boot camp and he didn't take it. It is time for me to be fair to someone else. The ex-fiance still had hope for us and would guilt trip me for not answering his calls. It hurt, but it needed to be done. I am going to miss him.
^ADULT DECISION 2^

The NYPD called me. I don't want to jinx it so all I will say is there is a high chance of a large class going in July. This might be my turn. ::FINGERS CROSSED::


Ting has to go to Vegas for a week for work. He bought me my flight so we could spend some time together assuming I will be getting into the July academy. I didn't think I would look forward to spending an entire week alone with someone like this. I bought a few sexy little things to thank him ;o)... I'll let you know how it goes.
 
FYI I am almost up to my 100th blog and I don't know what to do with that lol.

Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate... I Don't Care What Bitches Say... I Don't Even Look That Way...

Ok, I am lying, apparently I do care what bitches say. In this case, male bitches.

I've never had a love for Facebook. It was something to have to keep in touch with peeps... but I've never really been a fan of how dependant people are of it, and how things get a stamp of approval once it's been posted on facebook.

You know Jenny is really pregnant when she puts it on her status.
You know John and Elly are really serious when they change their relationship status.
True story, my neighbor caught her boyfriend lying about his whereabouts because of a picture he posted on facebook. Psh, stupid now EX boyfriend of hers.

During my trip to the Poconos with Ting we took a really nice picture. It was nice, sepia, and Ting looked good in it. It was genuinely a nice picture. I put it as my default for no other reason then IT WAS A NICE PICTURE.

Oh Holy Shit.

I have never, not even when I was engaged received so many messages (not even comments) about a picture. How many male haters are out there?

I had a few people just ask who he was, I don't really post too much of my personal info on there. I try not to make my status' too personal whenever I do update them, so I can see why people would get curious... but adult male haters? Really? I mean, no, really? I am lacking a huge amount of understanding with this one. I am very over protective with things I care about. I am super over protective with my mother, my sisters, and apparently my relationship with Ting.

I deactivated my account, for now at least. I was caught off guard with this.

Moving on. My girls have decided they want to have a slutty dress night out. Those of you who know us personally know that we aren't those kinds of girls that wear those dresses you have to keep pulling down at the club. I DON'T EVEN OWN ONE. But I have two newly single ladies in my inner circle, and one not so newly but still single lady (PANG, my sister)... and if these newly founded sluts want to have a night out in some of those dresses- I can suck it up for one night.

I went out and shopped where the sluts shop. I am not a girl with a shape, so finding a dress wasn't easy... but I found one. WITH PLEATHER lol. Yes, you read right. That being said, stay tuned for the follow up blog next month about this night. It's scheduled for the weekend of May 21st. I will post a pic.

Cabin Fever Part Deux

I guess going away for the weekend to a cabin just isn't my thing (maybe going with my peeps will make it a good experience).
This past weekend I went with Ting and his friends to the poconos. It was 5 girls- who were all good friends, 5 guys who were with the girls... Ting and myself. Obviously I was the outsider. The girls tried to include me in some stuff but they did sneak away from time to time to take pictures by themselves and chit chat about stuff. I can't say I really blame them, but it is still poor action.


It was originally discussed that Ting and I would get our own room. Our car got there last and guess what... we got stuck sleeping on a futon in the basement game room. Yeah, exactly. (bright side, sex on the pool table...)


In the price they had originally included the food. They deducted it from my price because

1. I am a vegeterian and
2. I had oral surgery so couldn't really eat much.

I was bringing my own food.

I think ahead, and bring enough to offer some people incase they like what I am eating. I brought a small carton of egg beaters, a box of cherrios, 4 packets of oatmeal, a box of veggie patties (6), and apple sauce.


Ting woke up to pee the first morning and tells me he caught them about to make me egg beaters, luckily he got up there on time. Once I get up I go to make my egg beaters and notice they have a carton of 48 eggs.... WHYYYYYY would you need to make my egg beaters when you have 48 eggs? I don't stress it, I still have egg beaters to eat and thats what is important, that I have something soft to eat.


I finish making my egg beaters, sit at the table and notice a girl eating my oatmeal. It's cool, I still have two packets left, enough for tomorrow morning.


I go grab my box of cheerios (I have to eat them one by one) and the box is open and half empty. I really didn't care about this, I am mentioning it so it enhances my point.


Later on that night, every one is high off of weed brownies and drunk. I am on strong meds for my oral surgery so I couldn't drink. They were all munching on tacitos (they bought 2 boxes of 60) and playing drinking games. I go to throw away a napkin and what do I see in the garbage? MY BOX OF VEGGIE PATTIES. I took it out to make sure there was nothing in there, it was empty... I see all 6 plastic wrappers they came in in the garbage as well. I look up and ask "what happened to the veggie patties?"


One of the girls answers that they are in the oven, they got hungry and were tired of eating tacitos. I was pissed and went down to my bed/game room to call Pang.


I went back upstairs and Ting noticed I was upset. He asked me what was wrong and I pleaded my case.


I am not stingy with food, I brought enough to share with a few people but it is like they have no respect for my situation. It's not like I can go down the block and find something without meat and soft to eat- I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A MOUNTAIN. They had more then enough food for them to eat, why did they have to eat ALL of my veggie patties, they couldn't leave me just one? What the fuck was I suppose to eat the next morning and afternoon? They already ate all the extra stuff I brought. All that was left was an apple sauce.


He saw my point and felt horrible. Another girl over heard us and I guess she felt bad because the next morning I found some veggie patties in the fridge wrapped up.


I give up on cabin weekend get aways with guys.

Update... I've been M.I.A.

Hey all,

I know. I've been M.I.A. I've been busy with Ting and as of last week, trying to get over oral surgery I had. Leave it to me to have the "what could go wrong" go wrong. I ended up getting a fat cheek, which in reality was a blood clot. I had to take medication to help the swelling, and once that went down I had bruising near my lip and a black eye. Great week.

The ex-fiance: I am happy and at peace with the decision I have made. I knew for a while he wasn't the man I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with. I loved him but it shouldn't have been so hard. It was a little difficult at first but it was all habitual. The habit broke and I am okay.

Ting: things are going great. I appreciate him. We are together and having fun with each other, learning along the way.

With that said, I close that chapter of my blog off. I might shut down the blog completely but I am doing things right by Ting this time and will not be posting anything about my relationship on a blog. I hold the special moments close to me and that's where I will keep them.

Someone Elses Turn

Oh lord, what an eventful weekend.
Ting and I went to Philadelphia for the Philly Salsa Jam. We spent the weekend at his friends house and I, ladies and gentlemen... had an experience.
I arrived before Ting did, I have a cousin in Philly and wanted to spend some time with him and see his apartment. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I left with Ting because we had an action packed weekend, so I opted to leave a little earlier and have Ting pick me up when he arrived at night.

I arrived, walked the city with my cousin, went to his place- and I got HOMESICK! WTF I had only been there for six hours and I was homesick. It usually happens if I am not being kept occupied, which was the case (my cousin is a very mellow dude, and his live in girlfriend is even more). Ting arrives and I had never been happier to see him. My homesickness had gone away.

Weird.

Moving on.

We went out to party that night. The next day we went to tour the city on the Ride the Duck tour, had lunch with his friends, saw the liberty bell, went out to dinner, went salsa dancing, and the next morning he surprised me with a trip to the aquarium! (He had remembered in conversation that I love the aquarium and anytime I am in a new city I try to visit their aquarium).

He was amazing.
And then it happened.

He asked me to be his girlfriend.

Sounds great, especially since I like the guy and I said YES... right?

I wouldn't ask the question if the answer wasn't no. So NO. What's the problem you ask? THE EX FIANCE.

He told me once, while arguing about something that had nothing to do with this (I had asked him "what were you thinking with?")  "I was thinking with my heart, if I thought with my head In My World I ROCK I wouldn't have asked you to marry me".
It hurt like all hell to hear that, funny enough now I am having to think with this mentality.

It is no secret that the ex fiance is something I have been battling with for a few weeks.

My heart loves him but my head is almost positive that there are so many things that are missing. Love is powerful, but it is not enough to make a successful relationship work.
I don't plan on telling him that I am seeing someone else, but I need to break the news to him that I need to stop thinking we will work. Or stop seeing Ting.

Rest Your Head, Dry Your Eyes, Baby You'll Be Alright- Ryan Donn

I have so many things happen that I think are funny enough to blog about and I just don't muster the energy to log on and write. I don't like to write when I am not happy... and obviously, right now I am not too happy.

Again, I hate the fact that all my recent post have become heavy to some degree and are about love and those in it.

Ting- I don't want to like him but I do. I enjoy him a lot. He isn't even my type physically. He is chubby but we have good talks, we laugh, we dance, we have sex- I get my rocks off and he doesn't. That's a whole other post within itself. He told me it has happened with almost every girl he has been with so I don't take too much offense to it. I told him he should go get his rocks off with someone who could keep up with him.
He took offense to this.
I enjoy when he kisses my hand.
I enjoy the way he caresses me when we lay together.
I love the fact that he can't stop kissing me. He wants to kiss all the time.
I catch him starring at me every once in a while. It reminds me of when Fitness used to do that. Remember him?

He is a little sensitive to certain issues, just like any other person that is falling in like with someone. He is a great communicator and likes to talk shit out right then and there. I have been so emotionally out of it that I don't really have the energy to make strong statements. I say what I have to say and keep it moving.


Ex Fiance- I am at a loss with what to do with him. There is no denying that I love him. I love him. I am going to be completely honest with myself. I don't think it will work out because the effort in him is different. He still comes to see me, and we speak EVERY DAY. But we don't go out on dates. He comes over right after work to see me for two hours before he has to run home to let the dogs out.

I can't bash him completely. He does ask me for time but I'm usually at salsa class the days he wants to go out. Salsa is the only thing keeping me sane right now, but I guess I need to skip a few classes if I want to give things with him a fair shot?

He plans on making a career of the military. Me, an army wife?

I refuse to give up until I can say I truly tried this time around. He isn't doing anything wrong, he just hasn't done anything to sweep me off my feet. I am used to him sweeping me off my feet. I think he is at a point where he is trying to settle himself. It is only fair I give him his time to do that. When I needed my time he gave it to me. I ended up dating Fitness, but he gave it to me none the less.

I'm not ready to walk away from him just yet.

Something is not letting me. Not yet.

I still remember the day I met him :)

On a Different Page ... and Photo Shopped

Some one please sign me up for Tool Academy.

I try not to blog about the ex fiance- but in a nut shell....

• I still love him very much.
• We see each other about once a week.
• We haven't had sex, he hasn't tried.
• We are "doing things right" according to him and taking things slow.

He has a point, and I was the one who introduced the idea of taking things slow- but I feel we are going very slow... and that's cool, but I have self diagnosed myself with a mild form of ADD and slow things bore me.

He knows, I've been honest with my feelings about this. I refuse to nag though, I nagged when he first got here and it didn't work in my favor so I let him be... I love him but I can't fight him anymore. Time will tell.

In turn, someone else has been keeping me busy. He is a dancer... his blog name will be Ting.

Of coarse, just like almost anyone I start hanging out with, Ting was something casual. Then it became sexual. Now he is feeling this. He throws comments out there that make it obvious that he wants this to go somewhere. He knows some details about the ex fiance but I have opted to try and not talk about it.

Two men, I always get caught up in some shit like this. I am enjoying Ting a little more then I care to (no, don't worry... I am not sprung lol).

On a lighter note... I have been asked to join a bachata recital team, and will join a salsa one next month so you might be hearing a lot less from me since all I will be doing in dancing.

Oh, enter the perfect opportunity for AN EXAMPLE. Speaking of dancing, here is something Ting would say:

IMWIR: I have a feeling dancing will get in the way of my next relationship.

Ting: Why

IMWIR: I am enjoying it a lot, and don't think I will stop until I am satisfied with where I am with it. I have already chosen dancing over many things (I did not mention I have chosen going to salsa class over hanging out with the ex fiance... I kept it as broad as possible).

Ting: Well, maybe you will meet a guy who can share the passion of dancing with you (and then he gives me the stare with the smile... FYI: he is a performer).

Now for what I really wanted to blog...

I'VE BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED!

I got called in for a photo shoot earlier this week... I took a few pics in some dresses and final shots were taken in a bikini.

While I was getting dressed the photographer played around with some of the pictures and calls me over to show me one.

Its one of me in the bikini.

IMWIR: WOW! This looks great!

Photographer: Yeah, I worked on it a little, look at the original ::opens up the original picture::

This is where I almost passed out.

I have never in my adult life been self conscious about my body, until I saw the before and after pictures.

I HAVE BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED, it was my first time seeing this and I hate it. Now, I know people get photo shopped for magazines, I don't think all those models really look like that but sweet jeezus- it's different when you look at yourself.

I swore off food, and then I got hungry two hours later- that plan went out the window quick.