Rest Your Head, Dry Your Eyes, Baby You'll Be Alright- Ryan Donn

I have so many things happen that I think are funny enough to blog about and I just don't muster the energy to log on and write. I don't like to write when I am not happy... and obviously, right now I am not too happy.

Again, I hate the fact that all my recent post have become heavy to some degree and are about love and those in it.

Ting- I don't want to like him but I do. I enjoy him a lot. He isn't even my type physically. He is chubby but we have good talks, we laugh, we dance, we have sex- I get my rocks off and he doesn't. That's a whole other post within itself. He told me it has happened with almost every girl he has been with so I don't take too much offense to it. I told him he should go get his rocks off with someone who could keep up with him.
He took offense to this.
I enjoy when he kisses my hand.
I enjoy the way he caresses me when we lay together.
I love the fact that he can't stop kissing me. He wants to kiss all the time.
I catch him starring at me every once in a while. It reminds me of when Fitness used to do that. Remember him?

He is a little sensitive to certain issues, just like any other person that is falling in like with someone. He is a great communicator and likes to talk shit out right then and there. I have been so emotionally out of it that I don't really have the energy to make strong statements. I say what I have to say and keep it moving.


Ex Fiance- I am at a loss with what to do with him. There is no denying that I love him. I love him. I am going to be completely honest with myself. I don't think it will work out because the effort in him is different. He still comes to see me, and we speak EVERY DAY. But we don't go out on dates. He comes over right after work to see me for two hours before he has to run home to let the dogs out.

I can't bash him completely. He does ask me for time but I'm usually at salsa class the days he wants to go out. Salsa is the only thing keeping me sane right now, but I guess I need to skip a few classes if I want to give things with him a fair shot?

He plans on making a career of the military. Me, an army wife?

I refuse to give up until I can say I truly tried this time around. He isn't doing anything wrong, he just hasn't done anything to sweep me off my feet. I am used to him sweeping me off my feet. I think he is at a point where he is trying to settle himself. It is only fair I give him his time to do that. When I needed my time he gave it to me. I ended up dating Fitness, but he gave it to me none the less.

I'm not ready to walk away from him just yet.

Something is not letting me. Not yet.

I still remember the day I met him :)

Let Nature Take It's Course?

Hello Blog Followers. I've been slacking on my blogging... I've had things happen, random ones, that I think would make good blogs but the inspiration just isn't there. I think I am caught in a funk. I really am not a fan that most of my blogs are about my experiences with males, but it is what it is. I try not to blog about the ex fiance. He is such a big part of my life it is hard not to.

I might not even post this blog. There are so many things I want to tell him but I feel the right thing to do right now is to just sit back, despite my emotions. Sometimes you need to let things unfold on their own.

He's asked me for time and I have given it to him. I love him, there is no denying that. What am I suppose to do when I have this little part of me inside telling my something is not right. Usually I would fight it, say something, react- DO SOMETHING. But I am tired.

I don't tell him anything anymore. He see's this.

He tells me before he loved me but didn't love himself. He is finally at a place where is content with himself and is learning. He has never been in a place where he has been comfortable in his own skin- inside and out. He is learning to love himself, and love me at the same time.

There is so much I want to say but I don't tell him anything anymore. I know he needs his time, and I am letting him do things his way. I love him and I cherish the genuine friend that he is to me. They say people don't change, I think some people do change once they hit rock bottom. He hit rock bottom last year, or something close to it. I do think he changed for the better, for the better hasn't caused me much happiness with him. What does that tell me?


____ I love you but I don't know what to do. You tell me this is going to work, I'm trying to stay positive but so many things have changed and I wonder is it really time that I let go.

Scattered Thoughts, Nothing Important...

... So don't get excited.

Whats up guys?

How is everyone? Good, yeah, that's nice.

I actually have nothing to blog about so I am blog free styling. I felt I hadn't blogged in a week, and you guys might be worried. I just wanted to let you guys know that I am alive and well, for the most part.

It is my cousins birthday today- she knows who she is- HAPPY BIRTHDAY COUSIN!

My birthday is in two days and I am very excited about seeing every one at my birthday dinner on Tuesday and partying with them on Saturday.

I know I said I wouldn't blog about my relationship with the ex-fiance, and I really haven't been. I just wanted to update everyone though (since most who read this will be at the dinner on Tuesday)......

I've been enjoying the company of other men- non sexual as of yet (no the ex fiance and I STILL haven't had sex... please, spare me the comments- I KNOW). I've had a good time with the guys but there is something the ex fiance and I have that I adore. I love him.

We are not officially together yet. He hasn't asked. It's coming soon though, I feel it lol. When it does happen I will def be letting you guys know.

Out of respect for my relationship with him I WILL LEAVE THAT AT THAT.

Moving on. You guys have to read Simply T's blog. That girl CRACKS ME UP!

I have a lot to write about but everything I want to say is other people's business... lol... I'll let them post THEIR OWN business.

I have decided in March to start doing temp work in hopes to start the saving process so that in 2 years I can have enough to buy a place since I live rent free. The NYPD better effin call me in July. I am seriously running out of patience with these people (I don't really have a choice though do I?)

My sister Pang just bought a condo. I will miss living with her, and borrowing her belts. As she moves out, the little one will be moving in. She can be a handful though lol. She is a sassy little one. I wonder where she gets it from? ::slowly looking away::

GOOD NEWS: I am buying tickets to go see Chelsea Handler perform at Radio City in May. WOO HOO!

Love the Good, Hack the Bad...

Being the TV junkie that I am, I was watching Tough Love on VH1 and one of the girls was being reprimanded for always having something set up before she left the guy.
I've known a few people who are guilty of this. My neighbor is one of them... And honestly, its wrong, BUT being human myself I can understand why. The distraction makes it easier to deal with. I have a few other friends who I know do the same thing.

When El Difunto dumped me I didn't have anything set up. Mainly because he left me and caught me off guard so I couldn't have anything set up. The heartache of that was so bad I have been guilty of having something set up before leaving the Ex Fiance (Fitness) to avoid feeling that again. When I left Fitness I didn't have something else set up so I know its not repetitive behavior.

Can you hack the pain?

I know I can't, not right now. This is how I know...
The Ex Fiance is here for a few days, I am very excited about this. I knew I loved him still, and I'm pretty sure my previous blogs gave it away but seeing him just confirmed it.
I had cancelled plans, and left my days open for him. The day after he got here he had to cancel last min because he was running Army errands. That was cool with me.
He tells me he is sitting down for dinner and will call me once he is done. Two hrs go by, I sent him a text telling him I will be salsa dancing, and I hope he enjoyed his very long meal. He calls me back to tell me he fell asleep after eating. Cool with me.
The next morning he and I are suppose to meet up at 10 am. I call him at 9:30 to see what his status is and he was still sleeping. He tells me he will sleep another half hour and then get ready. 2 hrs go by, he should have been in my house already, so I call him.

He was just hopping out the shower.

This is where I get pissed. He could have called me to tell me he was running late if he was already awake. I have literally put my life on hold for him, haven't gone christmas shopping for my parents, and he is being too laid back about me.

His response: IMWIR. I am laid back in general because for the past 5 months i have been on edge. Being yelled at for everything. And I thought you of all people would understand. I never told you to cancel plans with people. I never told you wait to buy your parents gifts. While i appreciate the fact that you are doing all that for me.
I told him I know he didn't ask me to do all that for him but I did it because I wanted to take advantage of the time he was here. I guess I had put too much of myself out there and he had just put everything into perspective for me. We had no obligations to each other and I already knew he was bothered by what had taken place, we didn't have to hang out that day.
His response was I dont get how you flip flop. I wanna come. I just dnt want drama the 3rd day I am here. I am sorry that you cancelled plans today and yesterday.

He came anyway, we had an okay day. I miss the old him, but am being realistic and accepting that he might not exist anymore. I am so into him though, my heart is invested to the point where I have put a wall up and am only allowing myself to enjoy him a certain amount because I don't feel the same in return.

This is why my answer is NO, I can't hack it.

I loved you once, I love you still, I always have, I always will...

It's been snowing in New York. I wasn't in the mood to go out in the snow again, take the train, and find something to do while out in the snow. I had spend a drunken Saturday night caught in the blizzard and the last thing I wanted to do was this... but that is what the guy I was suppose to hang out with wanted to do.
NOTE TO SELF: Date only men who drive.

This guy I had met at the Fundraiser I had put together, he came with my little sisters friend, we had good chemistry and kept in touch. Nothing has ever happened between him and I. I had went on a double date with my little sister, her friend (which is his cousin), him, and I... and he let me pay for the movie. I wasn't even craving a popcorn but I let him get me one out of spite. Sad I know... I just think it is proper etiquette, as the guy, if you invite the girl out TO PAY.

Anyway, I make my way to Union Square, I call the guy and he does not pick up. I send him a text and then get a call from the Ex Fiance. This was the day he was due to come home from basic but due to the snow storm his flight had been delayed. I told him I was in Forever 21 in Union Square and described what the city was like. After some short chit chat he has to let go of the phone, tells me he will call me later and we hang up.

I am online to pay when the guy calls me and tells me he was running late, the transportation from NJ was running slow. He comes to the register where I am paying, I ask him what the plan of action is and he tells me he doesn't know, we will just wing it. GREAT (I am being sarcastic).
As we are walking out of Forever 21 I see the Ex Fiance about to walk into Forever 21.

My heart dropped to my ass- I don't think there has been a moment in my life where I have been so happy to see someone. I ran to him and gave him a loooooooooong hug and asked him WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE? Then I remembered, I am with another guy. I quickly introduced them, and told the guy sorry but the Ex Fiance had just gotten back from the military (he was in uniform). The other guy was cool about it and went on his way.
The Ex Fiance and I went to Max Brenner and this is when I started to tear up...
He looked so good, I was very proud of him and realized how much in love I still am with him.

I LOVE HIM, yes, my cousin that girl was right in her final post...

I have enjoyed the company of other men but there is no one else I want... through out all he has still remained a good friend of mine, someone I have become very dependant on for support. I want to be his wife one day, I am not interested in getting to know someone else. I found the man I can call my better half. I honestly think the timing for everything before was not right, but if through all we have been through we have managed to maintain good communication and a great friendship...

I've never told anyone but him this but the reason I have dealt with the breaking of my engagement so well is because deep down inside I never really accepted us not being together. I would think about the day he wouldn't talk to me anymore and it would make me cringe, he told me he loved me and I to him every time we spoke. That is what would put me at ease.

Enjoy the Memories without Interruptions

I'm sitting in the living room... Feeling very nostalgic.
I've been wanting to sit and look at pictures of the ex fiance and I but I haven't because every time I've had some down time my moms been home... my mom is nosey and I kind of just want to sit and look back, reflect, enjoy the memories without the interruptions of 3,000 questions and personal opinions of outsiders. (The pleasure's of living at home)

What lead to this...

I went to my cousins birthday gathering at a place on 12th street and 2nd Ave. It was a small underground bar/lounge. We were all hanging out at the seating area talking about what girls talk about ;)...
When in walks the DJ...
Who looks like the Ex Fiance's twin.
I mean down to the sneakers he wore. They had same physical features, same stature, same style of clothes, even the same red/blonde beard. I caught myself staring and smiling a few times, and not at the guy himself... It was at what he reminded me of. There were points where it was overwhelming and too much for me to handle. I thought to myself what the fuck is wrong with me? I know what's wrong with me. I still love him very much.
It amazes me how much ONE DAY could change your life.
If I NEVER went to Dirty Disco but that day I went because Sassy Daisy's ex co worker was D.J.ing there that night, or else I would have never met the ex-fiance. I wonder how different my life would have been had we never decided to actually go that day. That DJ invited us out allllll the time and we hardly went. But that day we did...It's not like I would have met him somewhere else.

• We don't go to the same places.
• He doesn't like to go out.
• We didn't have mutual friends.
• I was never in his neighborhood nor him in mine.

I would have not known what his love was like. Although it is a love that lead to some unhealthy habits of his to come out-- it is a love I don't think many people experience.
I might be making excuses for him... but the Ex-Fiance is not a bad guy. He's just been in some shitty situations in the past that he never learned to deal with (funny, his mom was a psychologist), the timing was just not right (neither were his actions, but he is human and we fuck up).

sometimes it is good to just sit back and remember the good... sometimes.

A-salted

Fitness went out to lunch with his female high school friend (HSF for High School Friend)...Originally we were suppose to meet up right after.

They met up at noon... I woke up early to make sure I was PREPARED:

• legs, arm pits, vag shaved a



• hair washed and a



• Mani and Pedi from yesterday a



• Cute new undies a

It is now 3 o clock and absolutely NO WORD from Fitness. I mean they met up at noon for lunch... So I sent this text:

Before I start to assume, I hope everything is alright and you aren't in some sort of situation.Now on with the assuming. I guess I should have warned you that I require SOME attention. If you tell me that you want to hang out today in the day time after your lunch with HSF (at noon)... I am expecting and planning for us to hang out in the day time after your lunch with HSF. If something came up, its cool- but I expect at least a text telling me our plans have changed, any form of notification would have done.Obviously, I am a little bothered and I'm not going to sit at home waiting to see if you call- so I am letting you know that I am cancelling tonight's plans... I don't like to hang out upset.I guess we can touch base through out the weekend to see what's up for Sunday.

He calls back immediately. In my head I'm thinking- it takes a pissed off text for a girl to get a little attention :( then men wonder why women are drama queens.

He tells me that since we spoke about going to a bar at 7 p.m. that he thought we were just going to meet there at that time. We never actually spoke about the plan change so he admits he was at fault and apologizes. He says that it is a little harsh of me to not want to see him until Sunday, but he understands my frustration.

I agree and we plan on still meeting in the bar at 7 (I can admit I was being a little stubborn... I still wanted to see him, I missed him). I ask him how his lunch date with HSF went. He tells me it was good, that he misses her and they spoke a lot about stuff she's been missing out on since she's been "so busy".

One story he told her was about this crazy co worker he dated. He was in a relationship for two years and a half that ended about a year ago. He started seeing this girl about a month after the break up and made it clear that he did not want something serious because he just got out of something serious...Crazy Co-Wo was okay with this, she understood. He said he really liked her and was seeing her for about a month when she kept talking him into having sex with her and he didn't want to- he wasn't ready for that BUT they would sleep over each others house and when things would get hot and heavy he would stop. (Of coarse the girl got pissed!) He said he would feel bad because she would think he didn't like her and he did but he just wasn't ready. (He sounds like the chick doesn't he?)...

They now have been seeing each other for two months I think (but not exclusively) and finally, he let's it happen. Hallelujah for the girl- THEY HAD SEX.Now she begins to change a bit... She asks him if he plans on seeing other girls. He says yes, they spoke about this before and she said she was okay with it. Crazy Co-Wo says NOT ANYMORE and well... Long story short she becomes a little bitter about it. It sucks because they work together... You know what is even crazier? He is telling me she is crazy and I CAN KINDA FEEL THE GIRLS PAIN :x.

He tells me in a discussion they were having at a lounge she threw salt on his pants. She Assaulted him hehe, get it?

She threw salt...

A salted, assaulted?

NO? Ok.

He tells me how he is now beginning to ignore her calls and what not.

And I sit here and think... Fitness has been nothing but good to me BUT that could be me one day! I explained to him that I can see where the girl was coming from... She was okay with him seeing other people when they began, but as she got to know him she fell for him...

... So did I...

He says that they had several discussions when they began about him seeing other people and she agreed, it was a mutual understanding. He and I felt the same for each other and I never agreed with him seeing other girls. He says sex changes everything and that's what happened with her.

That's why I have sex right away- get that shit over with.

Ok I'm kidding, sort of :x

Some people don't know how to handle casual sex?

Random side note: I'm listening to my ipod on the train, this shit went from Juan Luis Guerra "San Pedro de Macoris" to Luke's "I wanna Rock"... Lol shit is fucking with my head.

Anyways- I just got home from spending the night with Fitness and ladies and gents- I can't get enough of him :-x

I know people might think it is too soon but we've been seeing each other for 4 months now- exclusively less then a week lol. He tossed the L word out there and at the rate we are going... don't be surprised if I say it too in the near future.

My boyfriend is the shit.