Don't get used to this, I just want to bitch about work...

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I Peed On The Stick

I've been a little unfair with my lack of details with certain things. Let me rewind to last posts pregnancy.

I had been having pre menstrual cramps like usual, so i didn't think anything was up. Until a few days later I had noticed my sleep was ALL OFF. I was having weird dreams and just a hard time sleeping period. I NEVER have had this problem. My body was fatigued (I thought it was because of the sleep). I was taking naps during the day because I just couldn't stay awake.

Then I thought I am still having these cramps but where the fuck is my period?
Mothers day was around the corner, I was going to Michaels to buy my mom her gift. On my way to the train station I stopped by Rite Aid and picked up the most idiot proof pregnancy test available. One with words.

I get out the train station and see a Whole Foods I have shopped at before. I was about to pee my pants in the train so I ran straight to the bathroom.

I peed on the stick.

I calmly waited because I didn't think I was pregnant. I was just taking it to put my mind at ease.

And then...

Oh Holy Shit.

I had a panic attack in the bathroom stall. I didn't know what to do with myself. I almost shitted my heart out. I was hyper ventilating.

I pulled myself together enough to walk out of the bathroom. Once outside I called my mother crying.

"MA! I'm pregnant" :*(

The woman was happy! She has been dying to become a grandmother. She told me this is nothing to cry about, everything is going to be okay, and to go home.

I called Ting- to tell him I was pregnant and that I had already called to make an appointment to terminate the pregnancy. He was upset that I didn't talk to him about it before making this decision. I understood where he was coming from but in reality we had only been dating for a little while and I am in no place in life to have a baby. I don't have a job and I live at home with my mother. He was actually considering keeping it! After some real talk he said he supports whatever I decide to do. He knows we shouldn't keep it, he isn't ready for a baby either (he is only 24. Yes, I am a cougar).

He was super supportive throughout out the entire process. I had morning sickness and he did great with that. He came with me to the procedure and wanted to take care of me after.

Like I mentioned before, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't think I would feel so relieved after.

So kiddies: I am living proof that PULLING OUT DOES NOT WORK.

Potent sperm is potent sperm.

I didn't use birth control consistently because I would get sick. My doctor recommended Nuva Ring and I haven't felt nausea at all. Nice!

On to the next topic. In my relationship with the Ex Fiance he loved more then I did. A lot more then I did. Ting is adamant about being with someone who loves him just as much or close to. He says 60/40 is the most if he had to put it in numbers but 70/30 is unbalanced and there is no way that relationship could be a healthy one.
Opinions?

I know I Am An Adult When I Am Making These Types Of Decisions...

Bloggers! Long time no see...

It's been over a month. I am sorry. Well, lots been going on! Where shall I begin. Right, well... this happened...

Yeap.

It was Tings.

You read right. WAS. I didn't keep it. It was a mutual decision. It is for the best, he and I aren't ready for that yet, it wasn't the right time for US. I had the support of a lot of people and felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders when the procedure was over. I know I did the right thing.
^ADULT DECISION 1^

HELLO NUVA RING!

Staying on the subject of Ting, I am in trouble. My feelings for him are just growing stronger and stronger. I am happy to have him as a friend and more. It hasn't been peaches and cream this entire time (obviously, see above lol). We've gotten through everything together and have kept GREAT COMMUNICATION through it all.

The ex-fiance. Oh man I just had a hard talk with him yesterday. I had to let him know that I had to let go for real. I know he and I aren't going to work, atleast not right now. He had his chance to slide back in when he came back from boot camp and he didn't take it. It is time for me to be fair to someone else. The ex-fiance still had hope for us and would guilt trip me for not answering his calls. It hurt, but it needed to be done. I am going to miss him.
^ADULT DECISION 2^

The NYPD called me. I don't want to jinx it so all I will say is there is a high chance of a large class going in July. This might be my turn. ::FINGERS CROSSED::


Ting has to go to Vegas for a week for work. He bought me my flight so we could spend some time together assuming I will be getting into the July academy. I didn't think I would look forward to spending an entire week alone with someone like this. I bought a few sexy little things to thank him ;o)... I'll let you know how it goes.
 
FYI I am almost up to my 100th blog and I don't know what to do with that lol.

Saucy With My Daddy

The Robert Carlo concert date arrived.

My dad and I took the train down town and at first it was a little weird. I never had to spend alone time with him like this, there was definitely that awkward silence for a moment. I mean, what can I really talk to this man about?
He started to talk to me about stuff going on with his friends and I had a better understanding of the union they shared. I am not really a fan of some of his friends, BIRDS OF A FEATHER STICK TOGETHER. They are like him. I don't agree with some of the things they have done but just like my girls are my girls... his boys are his boys.

We arrive at the concert, I offer to buy my dad a drink. I remembered he didn't have time to eat, so I bought him a hot dog as well. Got myself a red wine and headed back to our seat. We were seven rows away from the stage, Roberto Carlo came out and the look on my dads face was one of true content. After a second round of drinks, I was saucy with my dad at a concert. Who would have thought. One song came on that reminded him of my mother and he started to cry.

I didn't know what to do.

So I asked him if he wanted another hot dog...

I also remember farting during the concert and hoping it didn't smell. If it did I was ready to start looking at the lady to my left as if something was wrong with her.

The concert was actually a very nice concert. Live music is always good to me, and the artist is a great one. I am happy I went. That concert is a day I will never forget. It was the first time I hung out with my father and actually had a good time.

Which leads me to my next point.

Ting has his own issues with his father. He hasn't spoken to him in a while and told me that a conversation he had with me about my father had inspired him to take that step to call him one day. We then started talking about my situation again and for the first time ever, I spoke about my father and did not cry.

Rest Your Head, Dry Your Eyes, Baby You'll Be Alright- Ryan Donn

I have so many things happen that I think are funny enough to blog about and I just don't muster the energy to log on and write. I don't like to write when I am not happy... and obviously, right now I am not too happy.

Again, I hate the fact that all my recent post have become heavy to some degree and are about love and those in it.

Ting- I don't want to like him but I do. I enjoy him a lot. He isn't even my type physically. He is chubby but we have good talks, we laugh, we dance, we have sex- I get my rocks off and he doesn't. That's a whole other post within itself. He told me it has happened with almost every girl he has been with so I don't take too much offense to it. I told him he should go get his rocks off with someone who could keep up with him.
He took offense to this.
I enjoy when he kisses my hand.
I enjoy the way he caresses me when we lay together.
I love the fact that he can't stop kissing me. He wants to kiss all the time.
I catch him starring at me every once in a while. It reminds me of when Fitness used to do that. Remember him?

He is a little sensitive to certain issues, just like any other person that is falling in like with someone. He is a great communicator and likes to talk shit out right then and there. I have been so emotionally out of it that I don't really have the energy to make strong statements. I say what I have to say and keep it moving.


Ex Fiance- I am at a loss with what to do with him. There is no denying that I love him. I love him. I am going to be completely honest with myself. I don't think it will work out because the effort in him is different. He still comes to see me, and we speak EVERY DAY. But we don't go out on dates. He comes over right after work to see me for two hours before he has to run home to let the dogs out.

I can't bash him completely. He does ask me for time but I'm usually at salsa class the days he wants to go out. Salsa is the only thing keeping me sane right now, but I guess I need to skip a few classes if I want to give things with him a fair shot?

He plans on making a career of the military. Me, an army wife?

I refuse to give up until I can say I truly tried this time around. He isn't doing anything wrong, he just hasn't done anything to sweep me off my feet. I am used to him sweeping me off my feet. I think he is at a point where he is trying to settle himself. It is only fair I give him his time to do that. When I needed my time he gave it to me. I ended up dating Fitness, but he gave it to me none the less.

I'm not ready to walk away from him just yet.

Something is not letting me. Not yet.

I still remember the day I met him :)

Let Nature Take It's Course?

Hello Blog Followers. I've been slacking on my blogging... I've had things happen, random ones, that I think would make good blogs but the inspiration just isn't there. I think I am caught in a funk. I really am not a fan that most of my blogs are about my experiences with males, but it is what it is. I try not to blog about the ex fiance. He is such a big part of my life it is hard not to.

I might not even post this blog. There are so many things I want to tell him but I feel the right thing to do right now is to just sit back, despite my emotions. Sometimes you need to let things unfold on their own.

He's asked me for time and I have given it to him. I love him, there is no denying that. What am I suppose to do when I have this little part of me inside telling my something is not right. Usually I would fight it, say something, react- DO SOMETHING. But I am tired.

I don't tell him anything anymore. He see's this.

He tells me before he loved me but didn't love himself. He is finally at a place where is content with himself and is learning. He has never been in a place where he has been comfortable in his own skin- inside and out. He is learning to love himself, and love me at the same time.

There is so much I want to say but I don't tell him anything anymore. I know he needs his time, and I am letting him do things his way. I love him and I cherish the genuine friend that he is to me. They say people don't change, I think some people do change once they hit rock bottom. He hit rock bottom last year, or something close to it. I do think he changed for the better, for the better hasn't caused me much happiness with him. What does that tell me?


____ I love you but I don't know what to do. You tell me this is going to work, I'm trying to stay positive but so many things have changed and I wonder is it really time that I let go.

How Could I Tell Him No?

One time, because of a specific conversation, Scarf asked me if I have the heart to be honest with someone, even though I know it is going to hurt them.

I answered no.

Those of you who read this regularly know about my father...

Him and my mother are no longer together but sleep in the same apartment. My mom in my room and my dad in theirs. I know he feels very alone here, I could never imagine feeling that way in such a busy house hold. I know he is not comfortable in his own home. In most ways he brought that upon himself, but the man is human and I can't help but to feel for him.

It is 1 a.m. on a Friday night and my dad sneaks into the house, making sure he doesn't make noise with the door. To his surprise he finds me sitting on the couch (I was suppose to be away for the weekend but postponed the trip due to what I think is an ear infection). I can tell he has been drinking, he looks happy.

We shoot the shit about why I am not away, he goes back to his room and I go back to my computer. He comes back and asks me if I can check on the Internet for some concert he just heard about on the radio, it is one of his all time favorite artist. He swore when he came to this country 30 years ago that he would see this man perform, and never had the chance to. He doesn't want to let this one pass by.

He kneels next to me and I look online and find the concert. I ask him how much is he willing to spend.
Dad: The best seats available
IMWIR: Alright big baller, the best seat in the house is $170
Dad: That's okay
::I input the information and request for one ticket::
Dad: can you check for two? would you like to come with me? I don't really want to go alone.

I can't even keep a dry eye typing this. My heart was completely broken. I have my reasons to say no. Do I really want to spend three hours with the man who made me feel this, this, and this? NO. But he is my father and is obviously going through something I wish I never put myself through. It is always easy to blame someone else, facing yourself isn't. I refuse to see him in his casket and think "I wish I..."

He is aging already, I see it physically and even in his eyes. I think I would be crying harder if I had said no.

He asks me to go into his room to see a DVD of the artist. He was singing along to every song, smiling and chumming around with me. How could I tell him no?

Dad, despite the fact that I can't agree with the fact that you can't say you are sorry- something in me just doesn't let me tell you no,

Trimming the Fat

New Year... Time to TRIM THE FAT! Scarf... remember him?

Well, after the trip I've hit him up out of courtesy, basic "hey, how are you doing? Did you make it safe?" type stuff and I would get very short answers like "Yes, I am fine. You'll get you're stuff next week".
Ummm... I didn't even ask for my things but thanks for letting me know when I will get them.

This goes on a few times...

New Years Day arrives. I decide to go on his FB wall and say Happy New Year. I search every name and he isn't on it. Just to double check before I die of laughter at what is going on I go to a mutual friends page and see that they are still friends. I click his name and surely he deleted me.

SERIOUSLY?!

My message to him titled UH OH LOL on FB reads:
seriously??? Scarf, I have no idea what was done for me to receive short answers- and to be removed from your FB.FB isn't a big deal... I just don't think that anything I've done has been that bad to the point for you to react this way.We are both adults... I don't mind that we don't continue a friendship, I'll get over it but thanks for the good talks. See you sometime next week.

His response (my side comments are in parenthesis):
IMWIR, I can't say its anything that you did or said. It more of a poor judgement choice on my part. Like I said, I didn't quite know why i found myself liking you so much. The more I thought about it, it probably came down to I just found you attractive and really had very little to go on from there (pfffffft). FB, i removed not only you, but quite a few others too. To me, FB should be for friends that I want to interact with and keep up with. I know I will be seeing you out at salsa venues and feel that is good enough for me. I know you don't mind continuing being friends, and sure getting over it is not a problem for you. The trip certainly opened my eyes to who I need to focus my time and energy on. You got a great trip out of it, you made some new friends. I know this whole thing is NOT a big deal to you, which is WHY i did not make any attempt, (until now) to explain or discuss it with you. I've felt for quite some time, that our friendship wasn't a "big deal." So, no hard feelings.

My response:
I'll keep this brief. My friendship with you was a big deal... What I couldn't deal with (and its not just with you, its with anyone at this point) was a relationship. I can respect everything you just said, thank you for even responding.
Hasta Luego,
In My World I Rock

For him to say that it was just a physical attraction and nothing else after all that shit he told me is Bull. I think it was just an ego blow (maybe) that he got shut down by someone he liked (twice, he fell for this girl in Vegas who wasn't feeling him like that either).

He knows how I feel about the Ex Fiance and knows that is the only person at the moment I am willing to get into anything serious until I meet someone who I am willing to take the chance on. He isn't it.

For a 40 year old man he sure has some childish tendencies. From the phone call about the guy kissing on my neck (which didn't happen), to then saying that he was just using that as a bridge to ask me what was up with us after he saw how bothered I got by this high school behavior, to kicking his charger because it wasn't working (Pang and I got some good laughs out of this one)... and a few other things Pang can attest to.

Honestly, after this trip and seeing what he is like, he is right- I don't think we should remain good friends... and I wasn't trying to be his best friend BUT to just completely wipe each other out of our lives like there was some wrong doing I think is a little excessive. But there is Scarf for ya.

Good Bye Oh Nine

I just read StarGazr's last post and oh shit did my heart go out to her. She had a boyfriend (who she also referred to as boo!) who found out about her blog and that was that (I am assuming, I don't know any details). I found myself nostalgic, and not in a good way. I got this flood of emotions, the heart ache, feeling of desperation when you are in love and it isn't going your way.

I remember my heartache with El Difunto is what drove me to therapy (and it worked). By the time I had my falling out with the Ex Fiance I had experienced heartache and just applied my therapy to that situation. It was still hard (and as you can see still am struggling).

I look forward to reading her future posts, whenever she is ready to return! (Everyone needs their time to heal).
------------------------------------------------
New Years Eve is upon us. Ahhh yes!

• Little slutty dress ::check::
• Manolo's ::check::
• Homies in tow ::check::
  

12 bad girls have confirmed, a few more might surprise us. The little sis is legal now, this New Years will be a good one. The Ex Fiance might come to the club with us, if not, Pang offered her services for the New Years kiss (she was my New Years kiss last year... It was a pleasant surprise lol, she caught me off guard).

In 2009 I:
-broke off my engagement
-celebrated my 25th birthday in Ireland
-got Lasik
-dated Fitness (remember him?)
-fell in love with salsa
-went to the beach almost every other day this summer
-didn't get into the academy TWICE
-haven't worked all year. Thank you unemployment.
-moved back to my parents house
-had to give away my dog because I^
-had a weird relationship (not sexual) with a 40 year old man (Scarf)
-went on a cross country road trip
-went to the Bahamas
-for the first time experienced sex against my will
-swam with dolphins and sea lions
-sky dived
-learned how much I really love the Ex Fiance
-hosted a fundraiser
-drank a lot more then I've wanted to (I don't usually drink this much, and honestly think I have a bad reaction to alcohol. My heart beats weird the day after)
-build a tolerance for Merlot
-dressed up for Halloween
-was the first girl a gay guy has ever been with

Here is to a better 2010! See you next year bloggers :)

Love the Good, Hack the Bad...

Being the TV junkie that I am, I was watching Tough Love on VH1 and one of the girls was being reprimanded for always having something set up before she left the guy.
I've known a few people who are guilty of this. My neighbor is one of them... And honestly, its wrong, BUT being human myself I can understand why. The distraction makes it easier to deal with. I have a few other friends who I know do the same thing.

When El Difunto dumped me I didn't have anything set up. Mainly because he left me and caught me off guard so I couldn't have anything set up. The heartache of that was so bad I have been guilty of having something set up before leaving the Ex Fiance (Fitness) to avoid feeling that again. When I left Fitness I didn't have something else set up so I know its not repetitive behavior.

Can you hack the pain?

I know I can't, not right now. This is how I know...
The Ex Fiance is here for a few days, I am very excited about this. I knew I loved him still, and I'm pretty sure my previous blogs gave it away but seeing him just confirmed it.
I had cancelled plans, and left my days open for him. The day after he got here he had to cancel last min because he was running Army errands. That was cool with me.
He tells me he is sitting down for dinner and will call me once he is done. Two hrs go by, I sent him a text telling him I will be salsa dancing, and I hope he enjoyed his very long meal. He calls me back to tell me he fell asleep after eating. Cool with me.
The next morning he and I are suppose to meet up at 10 am. I call him at 9:30 to see what his status is and he was still sleeping. He tells me he will sleep another half hour and then get ready. 2 hrs go by, he should have been in my house already, so I call him.

He was just hopping out the shower.

This is where I get pissed. He could have called me to tell me he was running late if he was already awake. I have literally put my life on hold for him, haven't gone christmas shopping for my parents, and he is being too laid back about me.

His response: IMWIR. I am laid back in general because for the past 5 months i have been on edge. Being yelled at for everything. And I thought you of all people would understand. I never told you to cancel plans with people. I never told you wait to buy your parents gifts. While i appreciate the fact that you are doing all that for me.
I told him I know he didn't ask me to do all that for him but I did it because I wanted to take advantage of the time he was here. I guess I had put too much of myself out there and he had just put everything into perspective for me. We had no obligations to each other and I already knew he was bothered by what had taken place, we didn't have to hang out that day.
His response was I dont get how you flip flop. I wanna come. I just dnt want drama the 3rd day I am here. I am sorry that you cancelled plans today and yesterday.

He came anyway, we had an okay day. I miss the old him, but am being realistic and accepting that he might not exist anymore. I am so into him though, my heart is invested to the point where I have put a wall up and am only allowing myself to enjoy him a certain amount because I don't feel the same in return.

This is why my answer is NO, I can't hack it.

Saltiest Kiss of My Life

I am back from vacationing at the Bahamas and although I had a horrible experience (I will touch base and elaborate on this later in the post) I did:

• Get to enjoy a hot day (I need to move somewhere hot. It truly puts me in a happy place. I hate the cold.)


• Swam with dolphins (check that off my "must do in life" list)


• Unexpectedly got kissed on the mouth by a sea lion (it was the sweetest, best, saltiest kiss of my life... And it came from a sea lion named Cassie. I kissed a girl, and I liked it.)


• Went down the slide on the Mayan Temple in the Atlantis resort (after walking up, chickening out, and being pep talked by the resort employee).

This vacation was an experience to say the least. I want to go back to my last post I Packed for Heat.
My sister Pang told me she had told my neighbor what happened and I immediately asked her "why?!" This caught me off guard, my neighbor is like family and we aren't ashamed to tell each other things. The reality of it is that I am embarrassed, and that's why I asked why.

Now that I have the time to write, let me go into further detail...
I had been drinking a good amount- I usually don't depend on alcohol but I could tell to survive 3 nights with this guy I WAS GOING TO NEED IT.
We went to bed and I started to doze off. I should have woken up when I felt him attempt to come snuggle with me. I kind of just tried to push him off and repositioned myself and KNOCKED OUT. I can't even tell you how much time in between that and the moment he started to rub the inside of my leg happen but I remember feeling that but still sleeping. Apparently I moaned when he went down on me (I found this out through conversation with him later)...
He went in and when he flipped over to put me on top is when I finally was forced to kind of wake up. I was so dizzy. I thought to myself wtf is going on. It was my first night there so it took me a while to register that I wasn't home sleeping in my bed. I remembered that I was in the Bahamas with HIM and I opened my eyes, jumped off, and ran to the shower.
He asked me if I was okay, I said yes from inside the shower and replied "I hope you aren't mad at me..."
Now I'm just feeling hung over because the reality of what just happened took any drunkenness I had away... And I'm pretty pissed but not recognizing it because I'm still in disbelief.
I tell him to leave me alone and I go to sleep.

The next day we barely exchange words. I went to walk around and found the beach. I couldn't stop thinking about the ex fiance and how I wish I was there with him instead. I wanted to talk to him about what happened, he is a comfort of mine.

The guy finally brings it up and tells me he enjoyed making love to me. ::gag::
We exchange the following points.The conversation didn't go word for word like this but here are the key points...

IMWIR: I was drunk. If I was sober that wouldn't not have happened. It was a mistake and very poor judgement on my part.
Him: I didn't seem that drunk. I moaned and made suggestions that I was enjoying it. Do I feel like I was raped? Do I honestly feel this was a mistake?
IMWIR: I don't have to stagger to be drunk. People who know me can tell I am drunk by the look on my face and he knows I was drunk. I drank a lot, and he paid for them so he knows I drank a lot. Rape is a strong word so I won't use it but I do feel I was taken advantage of in a state where I could not make decisions. I not only had been drinking but already in slumber... The combination of the two is enough to put me in the wrong state for him to have tried that. That would have NEVER happened had I been okay.
Him: I can ask anyone and they will say me accepting the trip knows sex would probably be involved.
IMWIR: He booked a trip to the Dominican Republic for us before and his money went to waste because I never went for that reason and he knew the reason why. He knows how I feel about him, I never lead him on. I accepted this trip because he asked endlessly and I didn't want his $ to go to waste. He is a man, I didn't think I needed to sit and talk him through the rules of the game again. I never demonstrated they would have changed. Regardless, the moment to try that was not when I was drunk and sleeping.

This situation is open for interpretation. People will have their opinions, some will say I got raped (like the ex fiance), others will think that I got taken advantage of (which is what I prefer to say), some find no difference between the two. Whatever the case, it is an ugly situation.

To top it off- AFTER this conversation, I am looking through his camera (with his permission of coarse) and as I flip through them I see he took close ups of my crotch area- disgusting! All in all, I have never felt so violated- to top it off by a police officer.

His defense: he took a picture of every part of my body (my feet, eyes, butt, back of my head...) which he did.

I can't believe I even have a post up here like this...

Eagle Eye FLIES OUT

Eagle Eye, why do I even keep him in my life? Seriously. Here is the short version.

He calls today and asked me what I was up to.
I told him I was cleaning my room.
I was doing my hair.
I was also doing laundry.

He then asked me what else am I doing today... I said I have salsa class later this evening.

He asked me if my parents don't tell me anything... I ask him about what.... he said about me not doing shit all day.

I told him my parents don't bitch if I am not doing anything wrong. I am not getting into any trouble and they know that once January comes- if I don't get in the NYPD I will get a job in my field of interest OR I will be going back to school,or atleast I am putting forth an effort to look for a job in late November, and applying to school (Open House Oct 27th).

He says the problem is my parents are way too lenient with me.

OH

HELL

NO

His parents would have made him work... I don't know why I felt the need to defend myself but I did. I explained to him that right now I do not have any responsibilities and am taking advantage to do everything I have wanted to do within my reach.

• I wanted to take semi nude pics, I did it.
• I want to go swim with dolphins, that trip is coming up.
• I want to learn how to dance and I am doing it.
• I just added taking a road trip to the Grand Canyon with Scarf.

I MARCH TO THE BEAT OF MY OWN FUCKIN DRUM- so leave me alone.

Here I have Eagle Eye bringing negative energy... and Scarf embracing the fact that I am taking time off to enjoy life.

I kindly told Eagle Eye I know you see no sense in what I am doing with myself and you don't agree with it. That's fine but its bringing negative energy and honestly, I don't need to be surrounded by that.

Stern v. Free Spirit

Since I've been slacking on the blogging, I decided to blog randomly to make up for loss time.

You might not remember His Boys Girl...
(read about her in the highlighted link)

She's been very good to me ever since I met her. She had asked me how I was and I didn't answer, a few days later (yesterday) I sent her this email:

Hey His Boys Girl,

I know this email is RANDOM...I have some stuff on my mind. I've spoken to my girls about it but of coarse their opinion is going to be biased, even though they try to be as truthful as they can.

Obbbbvvvviioooussslllyyy this e-mail is about Fitness lol...I don't understand why I am having trouble with this. I know he and I cannot be together, our personalities don't mix. He is stern and serious, I am a free spirit and like to laugh- even at things that are serious... You have to find some humor in it (at least I do). In the end, this is the real reason behind all of our problems.

I felt I couldn't open my mouth without there being something wrong with what I said so eventually I stopped talking. That ended up being a problem as well. That's no way to live, when communication is fucked ITS FUCKED. Its weird because I'm not one to ever have a problem with communicating with someone. I actually pride myself in my ability to talk out a problem, maybe not at the exact moment but give me a few minutes and I'll be good.

I told him from the get that I wasn't ready for the downs that came with being with somebody. Usually I am a much stronger person when it comes to dealing with this but I knew I didn't give myself enough time. I've written and erased a few times looking for the right way to word this but I can't so here is a weak attempt: The thing I'm having a hard time dealing with isn't the fact that we aren't together. I understand the reasons why and the desire I had to work things out isn't there because I need to be with somebody who loves and accepts me... ALLLLL of me, and vice versa. I want to be able to grow and be able to make mistakes without being worried that I won't be forgiven if its not something major. Walking on eggshells isn't something I could get used to... But I won't deny that I loved him and it seems he is having a much easier time with this. For the most part I am okay until I get reminded...

Anyway, thanks for reading :), I hope your anniversary went well.

IMWIR