Cold Rain

Things have been on the up and up with Scarf. Totally unexpected, I didn't want to like anyone right now because I still have something for the Ex Fiance. I don't know what to call what I still have for him. I still love him very much, I care about him, and I get excited when I speak to him. (I am still very much aware of the troubles we had and his family).


Scarf is so easy to spend time with, and he's got his shit TOGETHER. I'm not talking money, I mean everything. He has got himself together. Hanging out with him is so worry free and I really enjoy that.

I had gone hosiery shopping for my Halloween costume. I needed a specific type and wasn't finding it anywhere. I spent 3 hours going from store to store looking. Scarf suggested I go to Loehmann's, according to him they usually have everything (I had never been to the store). The next day, its cold and raining (both I dislike, its just uncomfortable being out in that type of weather). He tells me he is in the city and asks if he could pick me up. He picked me up and we head downtown... IN SEARCH OF MY PANTYHOSE. WOW, now that's a man. He had a list of stores ready for me to check out. Luckily, we found them at the first store, LOEHMANN'S. (I'm still trying to figure out how we would know this store would have them... AND he was the one who found them!).


He wasn't ready to stop hanging out with me so quickly, so he invited me to go see the movie Good Hair. Funny movie if you like Chris Rock humor. I won't ruin the movie for those of you who have not watched it but it reminds me of the movie Borat.

We got to the theater a bit early, so we started talking. He asked me about the current situation with my father and I told him about a conversation my dad had with my aunt (That Girl's mother) and how he said I am good for nothing and I am going through this phase where I don't want to work. Also, that he is the one who kicked my mom out the room and he wants a divorce and my mom not to dare deny him a divorce (FYI: my mom left their room because she wanted to and has asked him for a divorce on numerous occasions).


We spoke about that for a little while and he mentioned how uncomfortable certain things might be for me and if I ever need to get away his place has an open door. If I ever want to be alone at his place without him there he will find something to do... He wants me to know he is someone I can count on. I make fun of his old age all the time but with his old age comes a lot of experience and understanding.


Side note: I met him just as his birthday passed and offered to take him to dinner for his bday when we first hung out so I took him to Max Brenner after the movies where we started talking about our Grand Canyon Salsa Road Trip. Las Vegas is only 2.5 hrs away from where we were originally stopping so we have just added Vegas to our trip where we will be going to see a Cirque du Soleil show :), and dance more salsa!



Scarf asked me some good questions about my dad... In short, here is how I feel about the situation: You can read a little about my father here


I was very angry at him, FOR YEARS (I spent 7 yrs where the only time we exchanged words was when we argued). I was angry at him for many reasons, for the beatings, for his demeanor, for the way he treated my mother and my sisters, and especially for the fucking fake persona he had. People outside the walls of Apt 1E do not know who that man is.


Then, I grew up and tried again but the man was the same. I gave up until he broke down in front of me over something that was happening between him and my mother. I intervened because it broke my heart to see him cry. Don't ask me why. But the man was the same. I gave up and was very angry.I saw a therapist for El Difunto once and she spoke to me about my father and that opened my eyes to something. I had a fear. A huge fear that my dad would pass away and I never told him "dad, this is why I hurt..." I don't know why I figured I could have solved things with words when it came to him. I sat him down and laid it all out for him.


It was a long conversation from my end, and I cried the entire time I spoke. I looked at him in the eye at the end and told him that I didn't want him to pass away and I had all this anger in my heart about shit because at the end of the day I hurt because I love him. If I didn't I wouldn't. All I wanted to know was that he was sorry for some of the things, or to just admit he was wrong, or to admit he was a little aggressive. He looked at me back and told me I deserved everything I GOT.


Stubborn mother fucker.


At that point I had to just stand up and walk away because really, what else is there for me to do? My mother was sitting there and even her jaw dropped to the floor when he exchanged those few words with me.


What I am trying to get at is after that day I no longer have the fear. My mission when it comes to him is to steer clear, let him be him and me stay out of the way. So if he thinks I'm good for nothing, that's cool. I know he'll be the first one gloating when I get to where I want to be.


My father is going to die a very lonely man. He doesn't know how to take care of what matters and I honestly feel sorry for him. My dad is like cold rain...