Semi Nude Photo Shoots and God in one blog

That's right bitchessss (and I mean that with love)...

This girl right here is taking her semi nude photos on Wednesday.

It's something I've always wanted to do but never found the courage, the money, or the body wasn't right.

I am 25 and my body is as good as it is going to get unless I start to starve myself. I am 5'2 average weight 102 pounds. After a weekend of dancing I am 99 lol.

I've been letting my bush grow so I can get a Brazilian wax the day before the shoot. I can't stand hair on my body so this has been a tough one for me. I went to the beach twice this weekend and had to try to pull off a string bikini with a bush.

I went in the water and after every wave I would stand hunched over holding my crotch like a little kid that had to pee.

If the pictures come out good maybe I will block out my face and put one up. BIG MAYBE.

Love life update: Fitness and I had our first real fight this weekend... over my way of handling the possibility of wanting to move to Florida if I don't get into the NYPD academy... and this is when I realized, I care for this doof more then I thought I did.

I had been training for an agility test I HAD to pass if I wanted to even be considered for the JULY NYPD class... I had taken this test and failed it before because I hadn't been working out as hard... the people there remembered me and were so supportive. I think a few of them were trying to flirt but FUCK IT- I was too nervous to care.

As I began the test I thought I was going to take a shit in my sweats. I paced myself to make sure I didn't exhaust myself for the next stage (it was 6 stations- a 6 foot fence climb, a stairs section, pulling and pushing 80 pounds of force, a short jog, a 180 pound dummy pull, and a trigger test- shoot 16 times each hand... sounds easier then it is).

I PASSED.

I really want this. I feel cheated out of this experience, I was suppose to get in January and the mayor decided to make cuts. I have my feelings about this but I will not bad mouth political figures on my blog. I know a few people who are on the job just for the benefits, this is what I want to do, I love criminal justice. I swear, it is my calling.

Fitness tells me he prays for me everyday because he can tell- it is affecting me, the possibility of not getting in. I've cried alone at the thought. I've literally put my life on hold in hopes of getting in this class.

Pang's sorority sister tells me she is praying for me. I am flattered so many people are praying for me to get what I want. She recommends I go to church and pray too.

I haven't been to church since Sept 12, 2001.

I decide, I'M GOING TO CHURCH.

So I make my way. There are 3 big entrances.
I try one, it is locked.
I try the second one, it is locked.
I try the third one, it is locked.
I stand on the stoop of the church and stare these doors down for about one minute.
I suck my teeth, I AM GOING TO PRAY AND NO LOCKED DOORS ARE GOING TO STOP ME. I sat down on the stoop of the church, bowed my head and spoke to God... I hope he heard me over the noise of New York streets.

. sex

There are many kinds I can blog about:

• Birthday sex
• First date sex
• Break up sex (I had it with el Difunto)
• Make up sex
• Casual sex
• Oral sex
• Anal sex
• Lack of sex

This list can go on and on.

Today ladies and gentlemen I will talk about the kind of sex that can be gross to some and not a big deal to others: (DISCLAIMER, this might be too much to handle for some)

PERIOD SEX

Oh yes. I went there. Per request of os (older sister Pang).

I had never had Period Sex until I met Fitness. The guy is just too hot without clothes and honestly, the man knows how to touch me. I LOVE IT. I'm side tracking aren't I?
Ok, so obviously the day was going to come where he was going to hang and I am on my period. It had happened twice and here I am with a bloody and now wet tampon, it was frustrating.

Ofcoarse I brought this up with my girls. The first one I spoke to was Mother Theresa. Mother Theresa tells me she does it all the time... so I did it.

A little detail on how it happened: we started to get hot n' heavy. I said "give me a minute, let me check myself". I went to the bathroom, my tampon slid riggggght out since I was wet. My method was, if I wasn't bleeding heavy it's a go! It was a go. He knew already, plus I was extremely nervous I would get some on his sheets. Everything went off without a hitch, until he got out, there was a slight red ring around his penis. I dug my face in my hands and laughed, he laughed with me... kissed me and told me it was okay.

When I went to clean myself that's when the blood decided to flow a little. GOOD TIMING! Whew.

The next day, I had an itch.

...

...

I HAVE NEVER HAD A VAGINAL PROBLEM... I felt like I should be rubbing my vagina against a tree. IT WAS BAD. SO I approach Sassy Daisy about this. She tells me I probably have a vaginal infection, it's normal- most women get it at least once, and I should go to a doctor if it's my first time. We get into what might have caused it and I tell her I had sex on my period. She says that might have been the cause.

I laugh because I should have known better then to listen to Mother Theresa, she (along with my neighbor) are what I like to call closet nymphos (they both have boyfriends to be nymphos with).

Everything is okay now but I will remain sex free during period season.
Ladies and one man who reads this, any experiences with this?

Fool me twice, shame on me...

El Difunto and I were suppose to meet up today.

I didn't here from him all morning or afternoon.

Although I knew I shouldn't, I text him mid afternoon asking about the status of our plans. He responds he didn't know what my schedule was like but he had to stay at work a little later. That was that.

He didn't hit me up until 11:15 p.m. just saying hello. JUST SAYING HELLO!

I keep telling myself "the signs are there IMWIR, don't be one of those..."

Bad Habits Die Hard?

El Difunto is back in the picture people.

I know, I know, you guys must be thinking WTF.

And so am I.

Yesterday he did something very very unexpected. He called me to ask me for forgiveness and poured his heart OUT. He isn't good with talking about his feelings so this was a huge step for him. Just so you guys get an idea- I got the following texts at 4 a.m. after our talk:

I know I am horrible when it comes to love, I've hurt you... But I also know that I do love you, and it is real love... The kind of love that makes you feel warm inside even when it is below zero, the love that brings happiness even after years of tears. The love you see depicted in movies and think "that can never happen". It can and has happened... I am bad guy... And I don't deserve you... But I do love you with all my heart and soul... And I am sooooo going to try my best to show you that. I love you IMWIR. You are the only one for me. We belong together. See you Tuesday my love and best friend.

Ummm I guess you put together that I am suppose to see him tomorrow from this text. I told my mom this and she asked me what I think, and told me it is unfair to Fitness. She is right. It is unfair to him BUT...

... El difunto was the cause of a lot of grief in my engagement. My heart never really got over him. Even when he wouldn't talk to me I remained the moment he was ready to be my friend I would be here waiting. I know, you guys think I'm stupid or blinded by love. I am not defending him, or excusing his actions. The guy was an asshole, but I honestly think I am the only one who understands him.

I am not saying we are meeting up and we are going to run to city hall, get married, and have babies the next day...

I am just saying I am going to give him the light of day.

Cabin Fever Log

This past weekend I went away with Fitness and his friends to a cabin that belongs to one of his friends fathers. The cabin is aprox 2 hrs away from the city. I jotted down my experience as it went by, or at least tried to.

I arrived last night. It was a quiet night, we played Apples to Apples and they drank beer. I tried to teach Fitness a little salsa, he's got potential, he just has to get comfortable with it. Then we just sat and talked shit for a little while till we decided it was time for bed.

It is 9 of us in this house. They went food shopping for the weekend and the food bill was $500. That's not including the liquor and accessories (like bug spray). Its not that bad considering the amount of people here and how much they eat.

Fitness and I have never poo-ed when we have been together... I guess there is a first time for everything! I was never shy about announcing that I had to take a crap in front of the Ex Fiance. In fact, to get him back at times I have passed gas on his lap. TAKE THAT!

Anyway. We are here now with all of his friends. They are playing beer baseball. Its baseball and the whole time you have to play with a cup full of beer in your hand with the exception of when you are batting. It looks pretty fun but I have sat this one out.

1-i don't drink beer and

2- I'm training for an agility test and my knee has been acting up.

I decided to take it easy on the sports this weekend since I won't give up dancing on the weekdays.

I'm just in my bathing suit on a lawn chair. The area is beautiful. Very peaceful and scenic but all these bugs are about to give me an anxiety attack. I have a insect phobia and it's just really uncomfortable trying to do anything around here. I'm trying not to let it get the best of me.

Being here with his friends has really made me miss mine. His friends are cool but they are very different from my friends. I think I'm getting homesick and I've only been away one day! It doesn't help one bit that my cell phone gets no service up here!

...5 hours later...

It is 7 p.m. And we have not left the house. I am a little upset by this because I had expectations. I was told if the day was nice we were going on a nature hike and also that there was a waterfall nearby. They played beer baseball all afternoon and I stayed in because the amount of bugs outside was just ridiculous. Fitness said it himself that in the 7 yrs he has been coming to this cabin it has never been this bad.

Now they are outside playing beer pong and smoking cigars. Again, they look like they are enjoying themselves but this isn't how I like to spend my time. I find myself looking at the clock wondering when is it time to go to bed so that the time to leave gets closer. Sounds fucked up, and its not that I don't like these people... I think they are the shit. I love to see the bond they have together. It is really strong.

He is out there smoking his cigar knowing that I can't stand smoking. It makes me think about the Ex Fiance, he would never do anything like that. Then I catch myself, it isn't fair of me to do that... Compare situations. No two people are the same and NOBODY is perfect. Fitness hardly ever smokes cigars except on special occasions like weddings and what not. I mean this is no wedding but it is one of his best friends 26th birthday and allllll of his close friends took the weekend off to be here in this cabin.

I brought my good friend COFFEE PATRON to help me out this weekend. I usually don't drink but I had a feeling that I might need to this weekend. I made the mistake of buying a small bottle (that's the only one they had at the liquor store, I should have bought two)... I don't think it'll do enough to tank me but anything to help I'll take!

I never ended up writing after this last paragraph but I drank that small bottle of Patron myself (on the rocks with a little bit of skim milk), got drunk with the birthday boy. He and I had a blast. I had some good sex with Fitness, not the birthday boy. And that was that. All in all the weekend was not too fun for me but I made the best of it. I can't say I would do it again with them.

The Kiss

I've gotten a few requests about this kiss I mentioned in the last blog. I honestly was not going to write about it because then I would be giving this guy importance and I am trying not to....

... But my loyal readers... All 5 of them lol... Have requested DETAILS so here we go!

I am a LOVER of Merengue Tipico.

I find out Geovanny Polanco is in town. Pang and I get investigating quick and find out that on this same night he was performing at a spanish club in Queens (El Gran Rancho Jubilee).

Its 7:45 p.m. when we find this out. By midnight we are at the club.

Pang and I are standing on the side of the dancefloor looking at some people making fools of themselves (one of the many reasons why I love sobriety). We are bopping to the music when this guy comes up to me. He says hello and asks me when did I convert from rasta to hick (for those of you who didn't know, I was a big fan of reggae). Obviously he knows me and he looks familiar but honestly I couldn't remember who he was.

He notices that I am not recognizing him and reminds me that he knows me through (mutual friends name). Aha! Now I remember. We gets-a-talking. He asks me if I'm drinking anything, I tell him no. He asks me if I want something to drink, and I tell him no. He is shocked and tells me he isn't going to roofie my drink (lol... THE HANGOVER, go check it out). I explain to him that I don't really drink... Usually I get Red Bull and Cranberry. He grabs my hand and takes me to his table and makes me a Red Bull and Cranberry.

We start dancing, Pang is also dancing with his friend... And that's how the night was spent. Those boys all could dance! This means we must chill again.

The entire night he didn't let me leave his side. Anytime I moved too far for him to reach me he would go get me and bring me back. I knew something was going to be up, he kept kissing my cheek while we danced and anytime we made eye contact and I smile he would have this look on his face (ladies, we just know this right?).

Side note: Geovanny Polanco's performance was not disappointing as usual.

We exchange numbers, Pang and I call it an early night (3:30 a.m.) because she works the next morning.

Fast forward to Saturday night. I'm out with the girls. I was suppose to hang out with Fitness but Sassy Daisy was having some boy trouble and what are girls for if we can't be there to make sure you don't stay home crying? I rearrange plans with Fitness and off to the spanish parties we go!

He hits me up and asks me what am I up to, he wants to see me. I told him what our plans were and he shows up to the place but couldn't get in because the friend he was with didn't have the appropriate shoes.

We leave and go to another place, a restaurant that plays good music. Everything is on them, drinks for the 3 girls (because I didn't get anything to drink), food, and the money for the valet parking.

We are sitting at the table and he is being super friendly with the waitress, actually with all of them. It didn't bother me but I mention this because the moment a guy took me out to dance he got upset and he let me know it when I sat back down.

I told him this is 2009. You don't bring me here and flirt with other women and expect me to sit here looking at the floor. Either pay attention to me or someone else will.

Anyway, we kissed on the dance floor. The man can dance and I my friends can fall in love on the dance floor. Plus I think he is a little cutie :x , him and his friends are funny as heck too.

We still talk bull shit on a daily basis, but he isn't a threat to Fitness. I know, its wrong of me... But whatever, I'll work on it.

Admitting to cheat

Welcome FUTURE

I will not dedicate a blog to this man's history because, well... he just was not one of them BUT he has been there none the less. (no not in a romantic way)

Future is a dealer from around my way- I know NOT BECAUSE I DO DRUGS- I have never done drugs ::insert angel halo on my head:: but because he used to see me walk from the train station to my house late night with my book bag (coming from night classes) and used to always say when I walked by "there goes my future"... After years of telling me this I actually stopped to talk to him and he was a pretty cool dude. I had to write a paper on drug dealing in the neighborhood I live in and he allowed me to interview him- full blown details so long as I didn't use his name.

I haven't seen him in almost a year, maybe more. I am walking my dog and pass by the block he lives on. I walk past this diner and someone knocks on the glass. Usually I walk with my head down when I walk by there- just to avoid eye contact with dealers and old men trying to mack it to girls. I look up and there is Future smiling and waving. He comes out to greet me and here goes mid convo:

Future: How is everything, are you married yet? I heard you were engaged.
IMWIR: No, not anymore. I broke the engagement off and moved back.
Future: I'm sorry, is everything okay though? Que paso (translate: what happened?)
IMWIR: He got caught in a few lies and things just snow balled from there.
Future: (shaking his head in laughter) Men. We are all like that.
IMWIR: (drops jaw) THEN I GIVE UP.
Future then gives me a hug and the conversation goes on.

This shit is pissing me off. Seriously WTF- I still have faith that there is at least ONE man out there who doesn't cheat or lie...

Or should I just accept reality, lose faith, date a religious man who fears burning in eternal damnation if he cheats or lies?

Not that I should be talking. I cheated on Fitness this weekend.

It was just a kiss.

The Story Behind the Men Series: El Difunto

This probably should have been the first one to write about... But I wanted to take my time with this one.

When I was 15 my cousin Mother Theresa and I were going to go out with a friend ice skating. The third party flaked, Mother Theresa and I decided to go anyway. We had no idea where the rink was, we asked an MTA worker and they gave us 3 different locations. We still had no idea where we were going and ironically, while on the train, we see two girls with ice skates. NICE! We followed them without them knowing.

We end up in Wollman Rink in Central Park.

This day changed my life in many many ways.

Once there, we recognize nobody. We get our rentals and get our asses on the ice. There are these people called RINK RATS who know how to skate very well (my cousin and I were later to become known as one of these). The guys use this skill to pick up chicks. El difunto was one of the good skaters but he was very to himself.

I can't really remember too well but I noticed him looking at me a few times. During an ice break he was sitting near me and I was having trouble tying my skates tight. He heard me suck my teeth, or sigh, and asked me if I needed help.

... We skated together the rest of the night...

The next week I went again, and we shared our first kiss. I still remember exactly where on the ice it happened. (I ended up working at Wollman Rink for 6 years, I know that rink like the back of my hand).

El difunto became my boyfriend but I quickly ended it when he told me he loved me about a month after we started dating. I was about to turn 16 and it was too much for me at the time. He told me I would be his wife one day and that he will wait until I am ready. For the following YEARS we were on and off- but always talking even when we weren't dating.

At 23... We were hanging out, he was trying to teach me to drive stick shift and I looked to my right to express my frustrations and concerns and he had this look in his face that just melted my heart. I can't even describe it but I finally saw, next to me was a guy who LOVED me and would do a lot to make me happy... And obviously I enjoyed him.

I decided that day to give him my all.

I fell in love, like really in love but we had a lot of problems. I was still very much of a "free spirit" and he didn't like that, he was very jealous. I have a lot of guy friends and that bothered him, I like to dance a lot and that bothered him. My argument is, you have known me since I was 15... You know the way I am, why would you try to pursue a relationship with someone you KNOW is this way. His answer: because he loved me.

Four months after constant bickering about this things just kept getting worst.

I go to his house to try and work things out because he was being an ass hole, I didn't want to talk over the phone. He told me not to go, but I was FED UP... We needed to figure something out because we couldn't keep going the way we were.

I get to his house and things are weird. We start some fore play... And then have sex. As soon as he cums- he gets off and goes to the bathroom. He comes back with his boxers on, I am still naked on his bed and tells me it is over...

...WHILE I AM NAKED ON HIS BED...

I tell him there are only so many smacks to the face a person can take before they realize what's happening. This was my last slap to the face, no matter how in love I was.

I must admit, I played it off as well as I could for someone who had just gotten dumped while still naked after sex... Once I got home that's when the water works began. My mom was in the living room sitting on the couch, I laid my head on her lap and cried my eyes out. Pang walks in to find me puffy eyed, and red nosed from crying so much. As soon as she learns what happened she asks me if I want to go out for a drink. At this point anything to get my mind off of this shit will do. I get up and go.

We end up in Pizza Bar and I got retartidly drunk off of Martinis. I got home and had a one on one moment with the toilet. It was nice, I appreciate the toilet being there for me. Once I throw up I loose my ability to get up right away, so I laid down on the bathroom floor. My mom woke up (its like 4 a.m.) and brought crackers for me to eat on the bathroom floor. That's all I remember, that and my little sister taking pics of me and all I could manage to do from the bathroom floor was give her the finger with a smile on my face. GOOD TIMES eh?

The following weeks he turned into the biggest ass hole. I had left some brand new Coach sunglasses in his car, we scheduled to meet up and the mother fucker stood me up THREE TIMES. Then when I would try to reschedule for ME TO GET MY GLASSES BACK he would give me attitude like you wouldn't believe... That's when he decided to pick up the phone.

I needed to get rid of everything that reminded me of him. This break up was turning me into someone I wasn't: I was drinking (I hardly drink), I was bitter about seeing other couples, I was a lot more to myself. I noticed when my parents approached me about this two months after the break up. I decided enough is ENOUGH. Despite my short comings I was good to him and I didn't deserve this, and he wasn't worth my tears. I went to his house and left all the letters, birthday cards, valentines day cards, cute napkin notes that he had given me over the 7 years. I didn't personally give it to him, I put it in a yellow envelope and left it on his car windshield.

That was my step one to recovery.

Step two. GET HELP. People say it takes one month per year that you were together for you to get over the person/relationship. Fuck this, I wasn't going through this for another 5 months. I like instant results (its a problem I know) and I needed to speed this baby up! Hello Therapist!

Personally, that was the best thing I could have done. I walked out of that therapist office every Friday feeling better then ever.(by Tuesday I couldn't wait to go see her again)

He found out I was engaged and was not happy about that. He confessed that he had planned on proposing to me on Valentines day (9 months after he left me)... But found out I was engaged and then he realllllllly didn't want to know about me. I was suppose to be "his" wife. Pfffffffffft. NIGGUH PUHLEEZ. You don't want me to get started on my thoughts about this.

He has always been very immature in the way he goes about handling his anger. I've been asked a few times if I would go back.

I didn't know until recently.

He started to slowly talk to me again. In this, he showed me some people NEVER CHANGE.