One time, because of a specific conversation, Scarf asked me if I have the heart to be honest with someone, even though I know it is going to hurt them.
I answered no.
Those of you who read this regularly know about my father...
Him and my mother are no longer together but sleep in the same apartment. My mom in my room and my dad in theirs. I know he feels very alone here, I could never imagine feeling that way in such a busy house hold. I know he is not comfortable in his own home. In most ways he brought that upon himself, but the man is human and I can't help but to feel for him.
It is 1 a.m. on a Friday night and my dad sneaks into the house, making sure he doesn't make noise with the door. To his surprise he finds me sitting on the couch (I was suppose to be away for the weekend but postponed the trip due to what I think is an ear infection). I can tell he has been drinking, he looks happy.
We shoot the shit about why I am not away, he goes back to his room and I go back to my computer. He comes back and asks me if I can check on the Internet for some concert he just heard about on the radio, it is one of his all time favorite artist. He swore when he came to this country 30 years ago that he would see this man perform, and never had the chance to. He doesn't want to let this one pass by.
He kneels next to me and I look online and find the concert. I ask him how much is he willing to spend.
Dad: The best seats available
IMWIR: Alright big baller, the best seat in the house is $170
Dad: That's okay
::I input the information and request for one ticket::
Dad: can you check for two? would you like to come with me? I don't really want to go alone.
I can't even keep a dry eye typing this. My heart was completely broken. I have my reasons to say no. Do I really want to spend three hours with the man who made me feel this, this, and this? NO. But he is my father and is obviously going through something I wish I never put myself through. It is always easy to blame someone else, facing yourself isn't. I refuse to see him in his casket and think "I wish I..."
He is aging already, I see it physically and even in his eyes. I think I would be crying harder if I had said no.
He asks me to go into his room to see a DVD of the artist. He was singing along to every song, smiling and chumming around with me. How could I tell him no?
Dad, despite the fact that I can't agree with the fact that you can't say you are sorry- something in me just doesn't let me tell you no,
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3 comments:
wow :/
I think it is good that you're going, I'm the same, can't say no because I care too much.
='( This post was so touching...Ive noticed that almost every time you write about ur dad its quite a sensitive subject and makes my eyes watery. Regarding this post, Im glad you said yes...very big of you. And who knows...MAYBE it might be the first step into him changing
(enjoy the concert xoxo)
Man, that's tough...
I didn't talk to my dad for 4 years. I completely cut him out of my life when I was 18 - I had my reasons - I could have dealt with it better, but I was young and I didn't know how to deal with such intense feelings except to just shut them out completely....
I really regret it, because now, even though we talk, we aren't very close. I can see the same changes in him that you talked about with your dad - he looks older every time I see him. I regret kicking him out of my life for those years, no matter how hurt and angry I was by the things that had transpired since I was a child. I know it was tough for you, but it seems like you did the right thing - at the end of the day, you know that you did what God - if you are religious at all - would have wanted you to do. Even if you aren't religious, you can have that peace of mind knowing that you did "the right thing," in spite of the way you have been treated in the past. Good for you.
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