On a Different Page ... and Photo Shopped

Some one please sign me up for Tool Academy.

I try not to blog about the ex fiance- but in a nut shell....

• I still love him very much.
• We see each other about once a week.
• We haven't had sex, he hasn't tried.
• We are "doing things right" according to him and taking things slow.

He has a point, and I was the one who introduced the idea of taking things slow- but I feel we are going very slow... and that's cool, but I have self diagnosed myself with a mild form of ADD and slow things bore me.

He knows, I've been honest with my feelings about this. I refuse to nag though, I nagged when he first got here and it didn't work in my favor so I let him be... I love him but I can't fight him anymore. Time will tell.

In turn, someone else has been keeping me busy. He is a dancer... his blog name will be Ting.

Of coarse, just like almost anyone I start hanging out with, Ting was something casual. Then it became sexual. Now he is feeling this. He throws comments out there that make it obvious that he wants this to go somewhere. He knows some details about the ex fiance but I have opted to try and not talk about it.

Two men, I always get caught up in some shit like this. I am enjoying Ting a little more then I care to (no, don't worry... I am not sprung lol).

On a lighter note... I have been asked to join a bachata recital team, and will join a salsa one next month so you might be hearing a lot less from me since all I will be doing in dancing.

Oh, enter the perfect opportunity for AN EXAMPLE. Speaking of dancing, here is something Ting would say:

IMWIR: I have a feeling dancing will get in the way of my next relationship.

Ting: Why

IMWIR: I am enjoying it a lot, and don't think I will stop until I am satisfied with where I am with it. I have already chosen dancing over many things (I did not mention I have chosen going to salsa class over hanging out with the ex fiance... I kept it as broad as possible).

Ting: Well, maybe you will meet a guy who can share the passion of dancing with you (and then he gives me the stare with the smile... FYI: he is a performer).

Now for what I really wanted to blog...

I'VE BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED!

I got called in for a photo shoot earlier this week... I took a few pics in some dresses and final shots were taken in a bikini.

While I was getting dressed the photographer played around with some of the pictures and calls me over to show me one.

Its one of me in the bikini.

IMWIR: WOW! This looks great!

Photographer: Yeah, I worked on it a little, look at the original ::opens up the original picture::

This is where I almost passed out.

I have never in my adult life been self conscious about my body, until I saw the before and after pictures.

I HAVE BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED, it was my first time seeing this and I hate it. Now, I know people get photo shopped for magazines, I don't think all those models really look like that but sweet jeezus- it's different when you look at yourself.

I swore off food, and then I got hungry two hours later- that plan went out the window quick.

How Could I Tell Him No?

One time, because of a specific conversation, Scarf asked me if I have the heart to be honest with someone, even though I know it is going to hurt them.

I answered no.

Those of you who read this regularly know about my father...

Him and my mother are no longer together but sleep in the same apartment. My mom in my room and my dad in theirs. I know he feels very alone here, I could never imagine feeling that way in such a busy house hold. I know he is not comfortable in his own home. In most ways he brought that upon himself, but the man is human and I can't help but to feel for him.

It is 1 a.m. on a Friday night and my dad sneaks into the house, making sure he doesn't make noise with the door. To his surprise he finds me sitting on the couch (I was suppose to be away for the weekend but postponed the trip due to what I think is an ear infection). I can tell he has been drinking, he looks happy.

We shoot the shit about why I am not away, he goes back to his room and I go back to my computer. He comes back and asks me if I can check on the Internet for some concert he just heard about on the radio, it is one of his all time favorite artist. He swore when he came to this country 30 years ago that he would see this man perform, and never had the chance to. He doesn't want to let this one pass by.

He kneels next to me and I look online and find the concert. I ask him how much is he willing to spend.
Dad: The best seats available
IMWIR: Alright big baller, the best seat in the house is $170
Dad: That's okay
::I input the information and request for one ticket::
Dad: can you check for two? would you like to come with me? I don't really want to go alone.

I can't even keep a dry eye typing this. My heart was completely broken. I have my reasons to say no. Do I really want to spend three hours with the man who made me feel this, this, and this? NO. But he is my father and is obviously going through something I wish I never put myself through. It is always easy to blame someone else, facing yourself isn't. I refuse to see him in his casket and think "I wish I..."

He is aging already, I see it physically and even in his eyes. I think I would be crying harder if I had said no.

He asks me to go into his room to see a DVD of the artist. He was singing along to every song, smiling and chumming around with me. How could I tell him no?

Dad, despite the fact that I can't agree with the fact that you can't say you are sorry- something in me just doesn't let me tell you no,

Scattered Thoughts, Nothing Important...

... So don't get excited.

Whats up guys?

How is everyone? Good, yeah, that's nice.

I actually have nothing to blog about so I am blog free styling. I felt I hadn't blogged in a week, and you guys might be worried. I just wanted to let you guys know that I am alive and well, for the most part.

It is my cousins birthday today- she knows who she is- HAPPY BIRTHDAY COUSIN!

My birthday is in two days and I am very excited about seeing every one at my birthday dinner on Tuesday and partying with them on Saturday.

I know I said I wouldn't blog about my relationship with the ex-fiance, and I really haven't been. I just wanted to update everyone though (since most who read this will be at the dinner on Tuesday)......

I've been enjoying the company of other men- non sexual as of yet (no the ex fiance and I STILL haven't had sex... please, spare me the comments- I KNOW). I've had a good time with the guys but there is something the ex fiance and I have that I adore. I love him.

We are not officially together yet. He hasn't asked. It's coming soon though, I feel it lol. When it does happen I will def be letting you guys know.

Out of respect for my relationship with him I WILL LEAVE THAT AT THAT.

Moving on. You guys have to read Simply T's blog. That girl CRACKS ME UP!

I have a lot to write about but everything I want to say is other people's business... lol... I'll let them post THEIR OWN business.

I have decided in March to start doing temp work in hopes to start the saving process so that in 2 years I can have enough to buy a place since I live rent free. The NYPD better effin call me in July. I am seriously running out of patience with these people (I don't really have a choice though do I?)

My sister Pang just bought a condo. I will miss living with her, and borrowing her belts. As she moves out, the little one will be moving in. She can be a handful though lol. She is a sassy little one. I wonder where she gets it from? ::slowly looking away::

GOOD NEWS: I am buying tickets to go see Chelsea Handler perform at Radio City in May. WOO HOO!