Good Bye Oh Nine

I just read StarGazr's last post and oh shit did my heart go out to her. She had a boyfriend (who she also referred to as boo!) who found out about her blog and that was that (I am assuming, I don't know any details). I found myself nostalgic, and not in a good way. I got this flood of emotions, the heart ache, feeling of desperation when you are in love and it isn't going your way.

I remember my heartache with El Difunto is what drove me to therapy (and it worked). By the time I had my falling out with the Ex Fiance I had experienced heartache and just applied my therapy to that situation. It was still hard (and as you can see still am struggling).

I look forward to reading her future posts, whenever she is ready to return! (Everyone needs their time to heal).
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New Years Eve is upon us. Ahhh yes!

• Little slutty dress ::check::
• Manolo's ::check::
• Homies in tow ::check::
  

12 bad girls have confirmed, a few more might surprise us. The little sis is legal now, this New Years will be a good one. The Ex Fiance might come to the club with us, if not, Pang offered her services for the New Years kiss (she was my New Years kiss last year... It was a pleasant surprise lol, she caught me off guard).

In 2009 I:
-broke off my engagement
-celebrated my 25th birthday in Ireland
-got Lasik
-dated Fitness (remember him?)
-fell in love with salsa
-went to the beach almost every other day this summer
-didn't get into the academy TWICE
-haven't worked all year. Thank you unemployment.
-moved back to my parents house
-had to give away my dog because I^
-had a weird relationship (not sexual) with a 40 year old man (Scarf)
-went on a cross country road trip
-went to the Bahamas
-for the first time experienced sex against my will
-swam with dolphins and sea lions
-sky dived
-learned how much I really love the Ex Fiance
-hosted a fundraiser
-drank a lot more then I've wanted to (I don't usually drink this much, and honestly think I have a bad reaction to alcohol. My heart beats weird the day after)
-build a tolerance for Merlot
-dressed up for Halloween
-was the first girl a gay guy has ever been with

Here is to a better 2010! See you next year bloggers :)

Where the Heart Is... Doesn't Exist. So I Relaxed.

Before you read: The Ex Fiance and I call each other boo... it's an inside joke.
The Ex Fiance has been back for a few days... I would say it's been a roller coaster of emotions, but it really hasn't. I have felt the same since the day he arrived AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM. I see him and I think to myself I had him.

I'll copy and paste a draft of a post, an email I sent him, and a text conversation I held with him.

The draft of the post:
Its Christmas and I just realized I'm in love with someone who no longer exist.

The Ex Fiance I love is no longer there. I can't expect him to go through a life changing experience like join the army and expect him to come back the same. Re-reading that last sentence... That's where I failed, I expected.
He is still himself in many aspects, but he isn't the same with me.

I don't get the cute morning text or phone call. He is okay with canceling plans because of his family almost every time we've had plans. (This I can understand, I'm not asking for all of his time. I just would like for him to give me some sort of importance and tell them "I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with you, I would like to see IMWIR in the evening").

His tolerance to things I say is not the same.

Sometimes it's good to write things down. As I read this I am stricken with more realization.

I've tried to bring up things but like I just mentioned- his tolerance is not the same.

I am in love with a person that is no more.

I need to accept it and let it go. Get to learn the new him...

The e-mail I sent him:
Hey Ex Fiance.
Sorry for the email... Its almost 2:30 am and I haven't really heard from you. Being that you've fallen asleep early all the days prior I'm going to assume you are sleeping and will not call.
I know I'm suppose to see you later today but- some things don't change. I need to get this out before I go to bed.
I love you very VERY much. So much so that the thought of us not ending up together in the future is something I never dealt with. I've done this to myself by setting expectations but the Ex Fiance that I love isn't there anymore. You are new and improved, and although it might not benefit me- it does benefit you. You are a better person and much more comfortable within yourself, that makes me happy for you.
That doesn't change the fact that you aren't the boy I fell in love with last year (perhaps now you are a man)... I loved the attention I got from you, the daily morning text, the daily good night calls, the way that I came first, your tolerance for me is not the same.
This isn't a break up email or an email telling you I don't want to be with you ever (I can't break up if we aren't together lol). However, I did tell you that I want to marry you and its not fair for me to say that. I cannot marry someone I don't know. I do want to get to know the new you though. I love you Ex Fiance and accepting this is not an easy thing for me.
<3
IMWIR

His response to this was that I need to relax, he is having a hard time adjusting to the civilian world (I don't want to know what he will be like if he ever does go to war... adjusting to coming back is going to be horrible for him). He wants to do things right this time with me.

I can understand, and so, I relaxed.

A text conversation went like this: (FYI: I was hanging out with another guy... )
Me: Ill be getting home late. Talk to you tomorrow maybe.
::EX FIANCE calls me but I don't pick up because I was busy::
Ex Fiance: Ahhhh man. I was giving u chill space. I know how you used to be when u were with friends. My heart is racing now because of that "maybe" word. I don't know anything anymore except u... =(
Me: I love you boo and I want YOU but I need to look out for myself- going through the last couple of days has been rough
Ex Fiance: I working things out boo...i am doing my best. I feel like ur moving further w/ each passing second
Me: I won't lie, I am. Doesn't mean I love u any less, but it isn't the sane- you've changed towards me and I won't fight it
Ex Fiance: Stop saying that. Stop. You need to give me more than one week to get adjusted. It doesn't happen right away. Please. Now i am back to begging you.
Me:Its hard, I know you need to do you that's why I've left you alone.
Ex Fiance: but I didn't ask you to leave me alone.
Me: you don't have to ask me to do it...
Ex Fiance: I know but pls don't leave me alone :(
Me: When I was on u told me I need to relax. I leave you alone u don't want that either.

Today my dating situation came up...
In a nutshell, I told him he is the one I love but maybe the timing isn't right, he isn't ready to have me in his life. I can't force him to be ready so I will continue dating. He is my #1 and whenever he decides to come around, if ever, he'll know where to reach me and hopefully I"ll be available.

He called me and explained he didn't want me dating anyone else, he is working on making US better. It might be taking a little longer, and time is working against us but to please work with him.

He also knows I've been talking to one of my closest friend the break dancer and has asked me to speak to him instead, he doesn't want me to stop turning to him when I need to talk.
I told him I still turn to him for a lot but there are certain things he does NOT need, me being emo about whats going on is one of those things. I tried talking to him about how I feel re: this situation and I was told I need to relax.

I have been working with him and I will continue as long as he keeps showing me he is working for us.

This is probably the last post about this situation, I prefer to keep it private.

Love the Good, Hack the Bad...

Being the TV junkie that I am, I was watching Tough Love on VH1 and one of the girls was being reprimanded for always having something set up before she left the guy.
I've known a few people who are guilty of this. My neighbor is one of them... And honestly, its wrong, BUT being human myself I can understand why. The distraction makes it easier to deal with. I have a few other friends who I know do the same thing.

When El Difunto dumped me I didn't have anything set up. Mainly because he left me and caught me off guard so I couldn't have anything set up. The heartache of that was so bad I have been guilty of having something set up before leaving the Ex Fiance (Fitness) to avoid feeling that again. When I left Fitness I didn't have something else set up so I know its not repetitive behavior.

Can you hack the pain?

I know I can't, not right now. This is how I know...
The Ex Fiance is here for a few days, I am very excited about this. I knew I loved him still, and I'm pretty sure my previous blogs gave it away but seeing him just confirmed it.
I had cancelled plans, and left my days open for him. The day after he got here he had to cancel last min because he was running Army errands. That was cool with me.
He tells me he is sitting down for dinner and will call me once he is done. Two hrs go by, I sent him a text telling him I will be salsa dancing, and I hope he enjoyed his very long meal. He calls me back to tell me he fell asleep after eating. Cool with me.
The next morning he and I are suppose to meet up at 10 am. I call him at 9:30 to see what his status is and he was still sleeping. He tells me he will sleep another half hour and then get ready. 2 hrs go by, he should have been in my house already, so I call him.

He was just hopping out the shower.

This is where I get pissed. He could have called me to tell me he was running late if he was already awake. I have literally put my life on hold for him, haven't gone christmas shopping for my parents, and he is being too laid back about me.

His response: IMWIR. I am laid back in general because for the past 5 months i have been on edge. Being yelled at for everything. And I thought you of all people would understand. I never told you to cancel plans with people. I never told you wait to buy your parents gifts. While i appreciate the fact that you are doing all that for me.
I told him I know he didn't ask me to do all that for him but I did it because I wanted to take advantage of the time he was here. I guess I had put too much of myself out there and he had just put everything into perspective for me. We had no obligations to each other and I already knew he was bothered by what had taken place, we didn't have to hang out that day.
His response was I dont get how you flip flop. I wanna come. I just dnt want drama the 3rd day I am here. I am sorry that you cancelled plans today and yesterday.

He came anyway, we had an okay day. I miss the old him, but am being realistic and accepting that he might not exist anymore. I am so into him though, my heart is invested to the point where I have put a wall up and am only allowing myself to enjoy him a certain amount because I don't feel the same in return.

This is why my answer is NO, I can't hack it.

I loved you once, I love you still, I always have, I always will...

It's been snowing in New York. I wasn't in the mood to go out in the snow again, take the train, and find something to do while out in the snow. I had spend a drunken Saturday night caught in the blizzard and the last thing I wanted to do was this... but that is what the guy I was suppose to hang out with wanted to do.
NOTE TO SELF: Date only men who drive.

This guy I had met at the Fundraiser I had put together, he came with my little sisters friend, we had good chemistry and kept in touch. Nothing has ever happened between him and I. I had went on a double date with my little sister, her friend (which is his cousin), him, and I... and he let me pay for the movie. I wasn't even craving a popcorn but I let him get me one out of spite. Sad I know... I just think it is proper etiquette, as the guy, if you invite the girl out TO PAY.

Anyway, I make my way to Union Square, I call the guy and he does not pick up. I send him a text and then get a call from the Ex Fiance. This was the day he was due to come home from basic but due to the snow storm his flight had been delayed. I told him I was in Forever 21 in Union Square and described what the city was like. After some short chit chat he has to let go of the phone, tells me he will call me later and we hang up.

I am online to pay when the guy calls me and tells me he was running late, the transportation from NJ was running slow. He comes to the register where I am paying, I ask him what the plan of action is and he tells me he doesn't know, we will just wing it. GREAT (I am being sarcastic).
As we are walking out of Forever 21 I see the Ex Fiance about to walk into Forever 21.

My heart dropped to my ass- I don't think there has been a moment in my life where I have been so happy to see someone. I ran to him and gave him a loooooooooong hug and asked him WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE? Then I remembered, I am with another guy. I quickly introduced them, and told the guy sorry but the Ex Fiance had just gotten back from the military (he was in uniform). The other guy was cool about it and went on his way.
The Ex Fiance and I went to Max Brenner and this is when I started to tear up...
He looked so good, I was very proud of him and realized how much in love I still am with him.

I LOVE HIM, yes, my cousin that girl was right in her final post...

I have enjoyed the company of other men but there is no one else I want... through out all he has still remained a good friend of mine, someone I have become very dependant on for support. I want to be his wife one day, I am not interested in getting to know someone else. I found the man I can call my better half. I honestly think the timing for everything before was not right, but if through all we have been through we have managed to maintain good communication and a great friendship...

I've never told anyone but him this but the reason I have dealt with the breaking of my engagement so well is because deep down inside I never really accepted us not being together. I would think about the day he wouldn't talk to me anymore and it would make me cringe, he told me he loved me and I to him every time we spoke. That is what would put me at ease.

Womp Womp POMP!

OH JESUS where do I begin with this one...

If you ever want to get to know someone, spend two weeks in a car with them.
Scarf and I literally spent 24 hours of the day together. No, we didn't have sex- he had a conversation with me about this before we even went on the road trip (whew). This is how the conversation came about and it should have been my first clue to what I would have to be dealing with.

He sends me a text (remember, this is before the trip) while I was sleeping to please give him a call when I have the time. I call him as soon as I see that message. He goes on to tell me that a friend of his called him to ask him if he was still going on this trip with me because she had seen me with a guy earlier that week at a salsa party and the guy was kissing on my neck. (This did NOT happen, I am a very private person when it comes to salsa). If this would have been true then I would have fessed up but who the hell is going around making shit up about me? ARE WE IN THE FIFTH GRADE???

I thought about not even catering to this, which is what I should have done... But he kept talking about it and said if I had something with someone else to just tell him. I told him it is no ones business if I am having someone kiss on my neck... no one in Salsa knows I was hanging out with him like that and I did that for a reason. I asked him to do the same to avoid shit like this but apparently he couldn't. He said he never told her but she just put two and two together when he told her I was going on this trip alone with him. THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HER THAT?

1. He then goes on to speak about what is going on with him and I. I tell him I am not ready for anything serious with him and I refuse to deal with this kind of elementary bull, so it's best if we just remain friends.
   This is the very short version of what happened. During the road trip he brings it up AGAIN. Sweet Jesus, give me patience.
   He likes to twist things around to make himself look alright. He noticed I kept getting bothered by the bull shit of having a girl call him with this "he said she said" shit. I told him he is a 40 year old man, I don't know why am I dealing with this kind of stuff with a man twice my age, after I said this he changes his story a little bit that the phone call wasn't a big deal, he was using it as a bridge to ask me about us. I began to even wonder if that phone call even happened.
   He is POMPOUS. Brags about money to other people, talks about how he has money to me all the time. I was kind of tired hearing him talk about money. He will twist the truth so that he comes out looking okay, Ex:
   
   We were in a car with another guy in the passenger seat. I was sitting in the back seat. The passenger was giving him directions and he points to the left and says "turn left". Scarf turns right. We all ask him what is he doing and he says "you said turn right", we all correct him and say he said left. Scarf then goes "oh, I meant he said left and pointed right so I followed his hand." We all had this confused look on our faces, and I KNOW he pointed left but the little man cannot admit he made a mistake in this case so we let it go.
   
2. A guy from a tattoo shop had wanted to hang out but did not want to go out clubbing. So he told me to invite everyone over to his house, he has a hot tub and a pool table with a bar in his basement. I told everyone but we did not end up going. The night I was in the hotel room throwing up my In-n-Out french fries he makes a comment to my sister about how I give out my number to anyone and mocks me wanting to hang out with the guy from the shop and that the guy probably did not even invite us all. He said that I probably said we all have to come.I called him out on this the next day and he then says he is offended because he thought him and Pang were friends. That he meant it as a joke and there was no need for her to bring that up. OH REALLY?



3. We were in a cab in Denver, the total was 6 bucks. He hands he guy a 5o dollar bill but the cabbie does not have change for that, he had just started his shift. Scarf asks him what kind of cab is he that carries no change. The cab responds that business isn't good and that he JUST STARTED HIS SHIFT. He asks Scarf if he has anything smaller, Scarf says no, he is from NY and people from New York and with money don't carry anything smaller then a 50. PFFFT. They get into it and the cab tells him there is no need to argue, they will find a solution. I had enough of hearing this so I tell the cab I am a poor New Yorker so I have a $10. I gave it to him, apologized and got out of the cab.



4. Another time he was checking in and I waited in the car , the valet guy had to move it to make way for other cars and we had a brief conversation. He asked me where I am from, I told him NY. He asked what were we in town for and if it was my first time, I told him it was my second and I was there with my friend for dancing- he responds "oh I thought that was your boyfriend". I tell him no, he is just a friend... he says bye and that was that.Once we are in our room Scarf says "the valet guy was giving me props, asking me where did I get such a pretty girlfriend" (he is saying this in a very Scarf way, Pang knows what I am talking about) and I tell him, without even looking at him "he knows I am not your girlfriend". I turn around and he is just looking caught. Then he says "he asked you?! he isn't suppose to be asking you things like that."



5. When that whole thing with Pang and the tattoo artist happened he woke me up to ask me if he should cancel the Cirque tickets because one thing he does not mess around with is money. Those tickets were expensive (they were alright, he bragged about them like they were the best seats in the house) and if we aren't going to be his friend that he doesn't need to spend his money. Or something along those lines. ARE YOU SERIOUS... AGAIN?!

He wasn't all bad all the time... but I saw a side of him that I know I could NOT live with. I am glad Pang got to see it as well because I started to think I was crazy for seeing this ALL THE TIME.

Besides that- I had a great time, there was never an awkward moment. He was a great host, he knew where he was going and I just had to sit back and relax :)

Viva Las Wegas

Its Friday Morning in Vegas as I write this...
Thursday is little Friday and we treated it as such.
Let me begin...

We went salsa dancing at this hole in the wall spot (there is a big Rodeo something in town and all the big salsa places were closed so we had to find the local places). It was cool, no one there really knew how to dance. Let the drinking begin there. I only had one shot of Cuervo. I was too full from dinner to drink again.

On our way back to the hotel we stop by a Walgreens and buy necessities for the drinks- club soda, and juices. Next door is a liquour store that looks closed. When I am done at Walgreens I get in the car with Scarf and tell him we need to go to the liqour store. He responds in a dry tone and looking at me "its closed". I asked if he checked and he said yes. I go back into Walgreens to get my sister Pang and the other salsa dancer that came with us (we will call him Mr. Rican because he is Puerto Rican).

We go back to the hotel and I decide that before we head upstairs I'm going to ask if there is a liqour store walking distance. The man directs me and Pang and I go on our way. It was chilly so I had to lend Pang my jacket. We walk up to the same effin liqour store, GOOD JOB SCARF! I get the cherry flavored Vodka and walk back.

When I arrive to the room Scarf is standing there looking dumbfounded at the fact that we found liqour. He asks where I get it and I told him the truth, at the exact same liqour store he told me was closed. He notices I'm bothered and says sorry, he didn't know. (Pls remember he told me he checked).

Mr. Rican comes in, Pang and I are getting ready in the bathroom and I hear Scarf telling Jim how I came in pissed that I had to walk to the liqour store. NO, that's not the reason I was bothered... I was bothered because I know he didn't check and told me he did. Mr. Rican says how nice it was for us to have gone and asks Scarf if he thanked us. He tells him yes (which he didn't), then walks in the bathroom 10 mins later while I am putting on my make up and says thank you. I decided to brush the situation off- I'm in Vegas and with other people.
Off we go to Tao. Long story short... Mr. Rican and Pang end up kissing a few times, I had red panties with a purple dress on and I was dancing so carelessly I think a few ppl saw my underwear (talk about classy), I was sippin on Vodka on the rocks, we lost Scarf a few times... AND

I ended up making friends with this security guard who tells me that my sister and I could go to VIP. I tell him we are salsa dancers from New York and we had a show at the Tropicana the day before and are guest instructors for a few classes on Saturday. I explained the two guys we were with were our salsa partners and we couldn't go in without them because that would be rude and thanked him for the offer. I need to stop reading Chelsea Handler's book. I kept telling people my sisters name was Ana (those of you who know me personally know her name is NOT Ana...)

Our friend Mr. Rican, being the salsa dancer that he is, is spinning to music and knocks down the phone of a passing security guard (who happened to be the boss) and he immediately gives the sign to escort him. A few guards come and tell us we can stay but he has to go. They know it was an honest mistake and no one was being hostile- none of us were being sloppy drunks, but the power hungry little asian had to feel important... We didn't fight it (it was already 3:30 am and were literally planning on leaving like 10 mins later) and so we walked out.

I looked at the pictures this morning and couldn't stop cracking up, especially since I don't remember posing for half of them. GOOD TIMES!

I AM ALREADY IN NY AS I WRITE THIS NEXT PART

The next day we decide to go to In-n-Out because Mr. Rican just couldn't get enough. I am a vegeterian but I decide to take one for the team and order a side of French Fries.

I spent the rest of the night throwing up greasy french fries. I literally saw the grease bubbles in the toilet water. It was disgusting. They all went to the hotel club TRYST where Scarf's company apparently had a hard time standing up lol. (A blog about Scarf coming soon)

Saturday night we went to see the show Mystere (cirque du soliel). It was great. We were so tired though we ended up staying in that night.

So Vegas wasn't too crazy- one of us got kicked out the club, and one of us threw up so I guess we did what people do in Vegas lol.