Never Have I Ever

I am suffering from Cabin Fever (being that I am stuck at home due to my oral surgery). Please, keep me sane. Let's play a game... shall we.

Let's play Never Have I ever:
::five fingers up::

Never have I ever drank a whole beer.
::five fingers up::

Never have I ever smoked weed.
::five fingers up::

Never have I ever gone skinny dipping.
::five fingers up::

Never have I ever had sex in a public space.
::four fingers up::

Never have I ever had phone sex.
::four fingers up::

Never have I ever had a threesome.
::four fingers up::

Never have I ever thrown up in a club.
::four fingers up::

Never have I ever cheated
::three fingers up::

Never have I ever started a street fight.
::three fingers up::

Never have I ever dine and ditched.
::two fingers up::

Never have I ever been to Australia.
::two fingers up::

Never have I ever owned my own car.
::two fingers up::

Never have I ever sharted.

::one finger up::

SAY WHAT?!

Yes. It happened to me like three weeks ago. Needless to say, it was an experience. I thought it was a myth until I farted and felt my panties a little weird. I went to the bathroom to double check, cracking up at the though and there it was... the stain. I sat down and finished business while I was there.

WOMP

Update... I've been M.I.A.

Hey all,

I know. I've been M.I.A. I've been busy with Ting and as of last week, trying to get over oral surgery I had. Leave it to me to have the "what could go wrong" go wrong. I ended up getting a fat cheek, which in reality was a blood clot. I had to take medication to help the swelling, and once that went down I had bruising near my lip and a black eye. Great week.

The ex-fiance: I am happy and at peace with the decision I have made. I knew for a while he wasn't the man I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with. I loved him but it shouldn't have been so hard. It was a little difficult at first but it was all habitual. The habit broke and I am okay.

Ting: things are going great. I appreciate him. We are together and having fun with each other, learning along the way.

With that said, I close that chapter of my blog off. I might shut down the blog completely but I am doing things right by Ting this time and will not be posting anything about my relationship on a blog. I hold the special moments close to me and that's where I will keep them.

It Hit Me In Wholefoods

I did it.

I had the talk with the ex fiance.

I had a talk with my mom and she suggested if I wanted to do it, to just do it. She knew in my heart I was never going to find the moment I was looking for because I still loved him.


The next time he called I just did it.


I told him I didn't want to keep strumming him along in something in my heart I didn't think was going to work. Love isn't enough, and we differ in the way we like to spend our time. At the moment it might not seem like a big deal but I like to vacation, and go away on weekends, go try different things, dance. I won't say he doesn't ever try. The few times he does plans never go through. He lives a "wing it" life and is satisfied with being a homebody. In the long run, its going to catch up to us- it already has some what.


The first three years of a relationship are suppose to be the best and with him I have gone through some hardships people married for ten years haven't gone through.


His family gives me anxiety. I can't deal with it. I don't know how to be with a family I don't get along with.

Love isn't enough.

I didn't tell him about Ting. I didn't want him to think Ting was the reason why.


He was upset at first and told me he wasn't going to fight me on this.


That changed two hours later. He said it wasn't fair and he was not going to take this lying down. He loves me and it isn't fair for me to say my peice and walk away. Then he tried to guilt trip me and say the stuff depressed guys say when they loose their woman.


He said he had big things planned for us this week. I had a feeling he was just saying that because of what was going on.


I am okay when he isn't telling me these things. Well, I am better then expected.


I am trying to stick to my guns and follow the advice I give other people.


Then it happened. Yesterday I went to the supermarket. Ting was suppose to come with me but he got stuck at work so I went ahead and he picked me up; The ex fiance and I always had a good time doing our groceries. I was walking down the isles by myself and it hit me. I started to tear.


My handsome ex-fiance, I will miss you but I need to be greedy and do what is right for me.

Someone Elses Turn

Oh lord, what an eventful weekend.
Ting and I went to Philadelphia for the Philly Salsa Jam. We spent the weekend at his friends house and I, ladies and gentlemen... had an experience.
I arrived before Ting did, I have a cousin in Philly and wanted to spend some time with him and see his apartment. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I left with Ting because we had an action packed weekend, so I opted to leave a little earlier and have Ting pick me up when he arrived at night.

I arrived, walked the city with my cousin, went to his place- and I got HOMESICK! WTF I had only been there for six hours and I was homesick. It usually happens if I am not being kept occupied, which was the case (my cousin is a very mellow dude, and his live in girlfriend is even more). Ting arrives and I had never been happier to see him. My homesickness had gone away.

Weird.

Moving on.

We went out to party that night. The next day we went to tour the city on the Ride the Duck tour, had lunch with his friends, saw the liberty bell, went out to dinner, went salsa dancing, and the next morning he surprised me with a trip to the aquarium! (He had remembered in conversation that I love the aquarium and anytime I am in a new city I try to visit their aquarium).

He was amazing.
And then it happened.

He asked me to be his girlfriend.

Sounds great, especially since I like the guy and I said YES... right?

I wouldn't ask the question if the answer wasn't no. So NO. What's the problem you ask? THE EX FIANCE.

He told me once, while arguing about something that had nothing to do with this (I had asked him "what were you thinking with?")  "I was thinking with my heart, if I thought with my head In My World I ROCK I wouldn't have asked you to marry me".
It hurt like all hell to hear that, funny enough now I am having to think with this mentality.

It is no secret that the ex fiance is something I have been battling with for a few weeks.

My heart loves him but my head is almost positive that there are so many things that are missing. Love is powerful, but it is not enough to make a successful relationship work.
I don't plan on telling him that I am seeing someone else, but I need to break the news to him that I need to stop thinking we will work. Or stop seeing Ting.

Rest Your Head, Dry Your Eyes, Baby You'll Be Alright- Ryan Donn

I have so many things happen that I think are funny enough to blog about and I just don't muster the energy to log on and write. I don't like to write when I am not happy... and obviously, right now I am not too happy.

Again, I hate the fact that all my recent post have become heavy to some degree and are about love and those in it.

Ting- I don't want to like him but I do. I enjoy him a lot. He isn't even my type physically. He is chubby but we have good talks, we laugh, we dance, we have sex- I get my rocks off and he doesn't. That's a whole other post within itself. He told me it has happened with almost every girl he has been with so I don't take too much offense to it. I told him he should go get his rocks off with someone who could keep up with him.
He took offense to this.
I enjoy when he kisses my hand.
I enjoy the way he caresses me when we lay together.
I love the fact that he can't stop kissing me. He wants to kiss all the time.
I catch him starring at me every once in a while. It reminds me of when Fitness used to do that. Remember him?

He is a little sensitive to certain issues, just like any other person that is falling in like with someone. He is a great communicator and likes to talk shit out right then and there. I have been so emotionally out of it that I don't really have the energy to make strong statements. I say what I have to say and keep it moving.


Ex Fiance- I am at a loss with what to do with him. There is no denying that I love him. I love him. I am going to be completely honest with myself. I don't think it will work out because the effort in him is different. He still comes to see me, and we speak EVERY DAY. But we don't go out on dates. He comes over right after work to see me for two hours before he has to run home to let the dogs out.

I can't bash him completely. He does ask me for time but I'm usually at salsa class the days he wants to go out. Salsa is the only thing keeping me sane right now, but I guess I need to skip a few classes if I want to give things with him a fair shot?

He plans on making a career of the military. Me, an army wife?

I refuse to give up until I can say I truly tried this time around. He isn't doing anything wrong, he just hasn't done anything to sweep me off my feet. I am used to him sweeping me off my feet. I think he is at a point where he is trying to settle himself. It is only fair I give him his time to do that. When I needed my time he gave it to me. I ended up dating Fitness, but he gave it to me none the less.

I'm not ready to walk away from him just yet.

Something is not letting me. Not yet.

I still remember the day I met him :)

Let Nature Take It's Course?

Hello Blog Followers. I've been slacking on my blogging... I've had things happen, random ones, that I think would make good blogs but the inspiration just isn't there. I think I am caught in a funk. I really am not a fan that most of my blogs are about my experiences with males, but it is what it is. I try not to blog about the ex fiance. He is such a big part of my life it is hard not to.

I might not even post this blog. There are so many things I want to tell him but I feel the right thing to do right now is to just sit back, despite my emotions. Sometimes you need to let things unfold on their own.

He's asked me for time and I have given it to him. I love him, there is no denying that. What am I suppose to do when I have this little part of me inside telling my something is not right. Usually I would fight it, say something, react- DO SOMETHING. But I am tired.

I don't tell him anything anymore. He see's this.

He tells me before he loved me but didn't love himself. He is finally at a place where is content with himself and is learning. He has never been in a place where he has been comfortable in his own skin- inside and out. He is learning to love himself, and love me at the same time.

There is so much I want to say but I don't tell him anything anymore. I know he needs his time, and I am letting him do things his way. I love him and I cherish the genuine friend that he is to me. They say people don't change, I think some people do change once they hit rock bottom. He hit rock bottom last year, or something close to it. I do think he changed for the better, for the better hasn't caused me much happiness with him. What does that tell me?


____ I love you but I don't know what to do. You tell me this is going to work, I'm trying to stay positive but so many things have changed and I wonder is it really time that I let go.

On a Different Page ... and Photo Shopped

Some one please sign me up for Tool Academy.

I try not to blog about the ex fiance- but in a nut shell....

• I still love him very much.
• We see each other about once a week.
• We haven't had sex, he hasn't tried.
• We are "doing things right" according to him and taking things slow.

He has a point, and I was the one who introduced the idea of taking things slow- but I feel we are going very slow... and that's cool, but I have self diagnosed myself with a mild form of ADD and slow things bore me.

He knows, I've been honest with my feelings about this. I refuse to nag though, I nagged when he first got here and it didn't work in my favor so I let him be... I love him but I can't fight him anymore. Time will tell.

In turn, someone else has been keeping me busy. He is a dancer... his blog name will be Ting.

Of coarse, just like almost anyone I start hanging out with, Ting was something casual. Then it became sexual. Now he is feeling this. He throws comments out there that make it obvious that he wants this to go somewhere. He knows some details about the ex fiance but I have opted to try and not talk about it.

Two men, I always get caught up in some shit like this. I am enjoying Ting a little more then I care to (no, don't worry... I am not sprung lol).

On a lighter note... I have been asked to join a bachata recital team, and will join a salsa one next month so you might be hearing a lot less from me since all I will be doing in dancing.

Oh, enter the perfect opportunity for AN EXAMPLE. Speaking of dancing, here is something Ting would say:

IMWIR: I have a feeling dancing will get in the way of my next relationship.

Ting: Why

IMWIR: I am enjoying it a lot, and don't think I will stop until I am satisfied with where I am with it. I have already chosen dancing over many things (I did not mention I have chosen going to salsa class over hanging out with the ex fiance... I kept it as broad as possible).

Ting: Well, maybe you will meet a guy who can share the passion of dancing with you (and then he gives me the stare with the smile... FYI: he is a performer).

Now for what I really wanted to blog...

I'VE BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED!

I got called in for a photo shoot earlier this week... I took a few pics in some dresses and final shots were taken in a bikini.

While I was getting dressed the photographer played around with some of the pictures and calls me over to show me one.

Its one of me in the bikini.

IMWIR: WOW! This looks great!

Photographer: Yeah, I worked on it a little, look at the original ::opens up the original picture::

This is where I almost passed out.

I have never in my adult life been self conscious about my body, until I saw the before and after pictures.

I HAVE BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED, it was my first time seeing this and I hate it. Now, I know people get photo shopped for magazines, I don't think all those models really look like that but sweet jeezus- it's different when you look at yourself.

I swore off food, and then I got hungry two hours later- that plan went out the window quick.